How do we raise resilient children? How do we teach them how to deal with anxiety and stress in an anxious and stressful world? As I've pondered my own experiences I've come up with three strategies that I believe builds resilience.
1. LET THEM FAIL: I know, it goes agains every fiber of our mothering beings to allow our kids to blow it. I think for a better part of my parenting years I've walked behind my children with an imaginary wheelbarrow trying to prevent the falls. But it's in the failure that resilience is made. I read once that we should actually give our kids tasks that we know they won't be able to accomplish the first time. Madness, I thought! But then I realized the value. It's when our children learn to pick themselves up and that not succeeding at something is ok that they develop the ability to handle difficult things.
2. ALLOW FOR MEDIOCRITY: I think there is an epidemic of parents who think their children should be the best at everything. Straight A's, class president, lead in the play, star soccer player, favorite of every teacher, friend to all. Here's the thing--that's not going not happen. And if it is happening, chances are that's not such a healthy thing. When our children feel that they have to perform at the top level in everything they undertake, or need constant praise or awards we are setting them up for a really hard fall down the road. Because I hate to break it to you but your children aren't the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most talented in all the land. Neither are mine. And that's ok.
3. ACCEPT THEY WILL MAKE MISTAKES: I used to believe that if I just taught my children correct principles and told them how to do everything then I could save them from a lot of grief and pain. (Naive, I now realize.) Here's the thing--our kids need to make mistakes and more importantly, they need to know that we understand that. We were not meant to be on this earth to do things perfectly. In fact, I think it's the opposite. We were put here to figure out how to pick ourselves up when we fall and make ourselves better. If we are the type of parents that so closely monitors everything our child does so that they WON'T fail we are in fact, failing as a parent. I make mistakes, you make mistakes, and our kids need to know that they will make mistakes, and that we are ok with that.
As a parent I want my children to succeed and be happy. I used to think that meant having them do everything "right" but I've come to believe that's not the case. The growth comes from accepting that we won't do everything perfectly but that we aren't meant to. It's in the failures and mistakes that resilience is born.
