"State of the Morgans Address"

In honor of President Obama's State of the Union address (which I admit I didn't watch any of and instead sat through two mildly entertaining episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress") I thought it fitting that I should bring you up to date on the State of the Morgans.  In anticipation of this momentous occasion I looked back through my posts to reflect on where we came from.  As you may know, we were drowning under piles of socks and withering away from the lack of home cooked meals.  I was feeling overwhelmed, disorganized and in need of some sort of intervention and so I boldly embarked on this blogging adventure several months ago.

First up I took a look around and realized that I was a big part of the problem.  How could I expect my kids to have clean rooms when the side of the tub was my personal laundry basket and my nightstand was piled a foot high?  If I don't make my bed then why in the world should I expect my kids to?  I'd like to report that the tub problem is solved but it's not completely.  I AM more aware of it and try really hard to put my things away and my nightstand is better and I'd say I make my bed more than half the time now.  (Except--really, why do we need to make the bed when we are just going to sleep in it that night.  Or even better, climb in it later that day for a delicious nap?)  So baby steps there I suppose.

Next we moved onto setting up the new jar allowance system where the kids start out the month with $30 and every day their jobs aren't done or I find their messes around the house they lose a $1.  This has been going remarkably well lately.  Not necessarily because they are cleaning up their things but because I got two kid funded lunches at Baja Fresh this week!  I'm not making that up!  One of the kids asked me how many dollars they had lost so far and I said, "a lot."  But you know what?  He didn't whine or complain but instead seemed to accept it.  And then he cleaned his room.  They also have been doing their weekly jobs but I haven't used the hooks for a while.  Instead what seems to work best is for me to give each kid a Saturday job and post it on the inside of the front door.  So far so good.  I think what works best about this system--the jar one in particular--is that it is easy for me to monitor and  I'm motivated to do it--especially on those days when the taco cravings get bad.

Part 2 of getting organized was making and keeping a large wall calendar with all of our activities posted.  I'd mentioned previously that normally I start that every September and by December the calendar is blank because I've lost the gumption to continue.  Yep--that about sums up my efforts this time and I realized something.  I hate making that calendar!  It hangs over my head like an evil task masker and makes me feel guilty when I look at it.  Besides, in this day and age, all my appointments go in my phone anyway so I threw out the wall calendar and I feel pretty good about it.  Only took me about 10 years to figure that out...

Up next was cooking.  Like meals.  It's a serious flaw in my homemaking skills.  I keep thinking that if I keep "pinning" yummy recipes and trying new things that I'll learn to enjoy it.  Not so much.  But I am trying to cook at least three real meals a week and I've given myself permission to not feel bad when the rest of the nights are leftovers or YOYO nights.  I will say this--I did find a pretty sweet new app that makes finding recipes, planning your meals and making a grocery list super easy and it's free!  Look up "Big Oven" if you are interested.  So yeah--I'm not going to be the next Betty Crocker.

Moles.  Ok--this wasn't really part of the plan but did involve a blog post last summer.  I'm sad to report that a new mole has moved in and is in the process of doing some serious redecorating.  Stinkin' moles...

So as you can see, on all those fronts I haven't made tremendous progress.  I mean, some things are doing better but truth be told, my house doesn't look like it came out of a magazine, my laundry room still looks like a small bomb went off more times than not and instead of goldfish boxes laying around it's now empty packages of Chips Ahoy thanks to a good sale and even better coupon.  But I will say this--the second reason for me starting this blog was to document how I can help my children be more resilient and self reliant.  Most of you know that this last year has been a hard one for our family and honestly, there were days when I felt like I had absolutely no idea what I was doing anymore as a mother.  But with a lot of prayer, and pondering, and reading and learning I can honestly say that we have seen significant changes here.  I've learned to not let my kid's emotions rule my own emotions but instead I concentrate on being their "constant."  I've stepped back and allowed my children the chance to fail--and then watched as they pick themselves up.  We've given them more responsibility and they have risen to the challenge.  They've grown and stretched and made a few mistakes but they've had a whole lot more successes.  We are trusting them more and trusting our Savior more than ever.  And with all that comes what I've been seeking along.  Not a clean house, or family dinner every night, but peace.  The peace that comes from knowing that we're really just doing the best we can--not doing things perfectly, but just our best.

Jen's Advice, Part 2. AKA: Downton Abbey returns.

I am telling you, my friend Jen is a genius!  Do you hear that Jen?  YOU ARE A GENIUS!  In my last post I shared some sage advice Jen gave me regarding how to not beat myself up as a mother.  What I didn't tell you, (but turned out to be amazing) is the advice she gave me on cleaning my house.  We all know that a big part of the reason I started blogging was so that I could get my house in order and teach my kids to be self sufficient too.  And there has been some progress on that front:  kids doing their own laundry, Saturday chores implemented and a new allowance system that so far is working out well.  This is all great but it still didn't change the fact that I ALWAYS feel behind.  At the end of every day there is still a number of things left on my to-do list and I was constantly feeling like I was never going to get caught up.

Here's a secret:  I'm never going to get caught up.  Like really--never.  There will always be laundry to do and shelves to dust and bathrooms to clean and dishes to wash and socks to pick up (so many socks…) and a million other things.  There just will be.  But this week, thanks to Jen I think I finally embraced that concept.

Your dying to know what her solution is aren't you?  Here it is:  she cleans her house once a week.  That's it.  One day a week she does her general cleaning and then the other days she just does kitchen duty.  I know what some of you are thinking:  "duh!"  Now there are a lot of you much smarter than me  who have been doing this for years so there is a tiny part of you that thinks I'm sort of an idiot.  Here's another secret:  I kind of am.  I mean, I've spent so much time researching cleaning strategies and organizing methods (stupid pinterest…) all in the hopes of having this perfect tidy little house.  You know--the kind where you aren't panicked when the doorbell rings unexpectedly or your teenage son brings home a car full of kids.  And so that's why every day I feel guilty when I sit down to read people.com (must keep up on the latest Hollywood gossip) instead of doing more housework.

So for the last two weeks I decided to try Jen's approach and it was so LIBERATING!  Honestly, I have felt so much better.  The beginning of each week I (and the kids as part of their Saturday chore) did all the general stuff:  bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, and general cleaning and straightening.  The rest of the week I just did the kitchen and some very minimal straightening which mostly involved me hounding the boys to pick up their socks and trash. (Obviously I still have not solved the great sock dilemma).  Do you know what I did every day instead of feeling guilty about everything not done on my list?  I exercised more, I cooked actual meals, I did crafts with my daughter, read a book without guilt, redid the hall bathroom and actually sat down and watched the first two episodes of Downton Abbey.  (Side note:  am I the only one that thinks Mrs. Padmore is hilarious?  And Cora is just whiny and annoying?  And please tell me Branson is not going to fall for that annoying Edna?  I mean seriously!  She is SO annoying! )

I have to tell you--this whole approach did wonders for my mood and it's all because of Jen.  So cheers to you Jen!  May you be blessed with an endless supply of Diet Coke and chocolate truffles and anything else your heart desires.  In the meantime I'm off to spend some quality time with Lady Mary and Carson the butler.  Now a butler…that's an idea...

"Thanks for the advice, Jen."

I need an instruction manual.  On teenagers.  Like what are they thinking, or more importantly, what does that grunt mean?

If I am being completely honest, which I hope by now you all know that I'm trying to be, I have been a little out of my element lately in the parenting department.  Being a mom of little kids came very naturally to me--it just "made sense" so to speak.  Getting your kid to sleep thru the night?  Got it.  Potty training--easy.  Bedtime--perfected the 6:30 pm turn in.  Time outs, Love and Logic, lullabies, Family Home Evenings,  joy school, piano lessons, "sassy spray" for talking back, binky rehab, Blues Clues trivia, endless answers to the question; "Why????"  Done.  I mean, it wasn't easy--but it made sense to me.

Teenagers?  Somedays I feel like I'm in a foreign land.  Or maybe outer space.  It's not that I don't enjoy lots of things about having older kids.  I love going to all of their activities and seeing their talents develop.  I love having good gospel and political discussions with them.  They are witty and smart and fabulous and a million other great things.  But sometimes I don't know what in the heck I'm doing as their parent.  Like completely clueless.  Honestly, I've spent way too much time analyzing this as of late.  How do I change my parenting style to reflect these almost adults?  When do I jump in to help and when do I let them navigate their challenges on their own?  Have I taught them too much?  Am I too overprotective, judgmental, or annoying?  Did I not teach them enough and am I slacking in teaching them to be kind, responsible, contributing members of society?  And what's with the grunting? So much grunting...

So Sunday morning as I was pondering why I can't seem to figure it out, I had this truly great idea to message a friend of mine who also has 5 boys and a girl all about the same ages of mine.  We don't know each other extremely well but I was blessed to work with her a few years back on a church committee and I really respected her.  I don't think she would mind me saying that her kids have been a handful (and probably still are sometimes).  I love her FB posts about holes in the wall, the principal's office, the dishes under their beds and so much more and she always seems to be able to laugh about it. She gave me some great advice but here is the best part of all:

"I think the most effective thing I do is keep in mind whatever they're doing or have done that is driving me bonkers will END.  I also have learned not to take personally anything my kids do or say.  It's hormones and they're crazy people.  Really."

Isn't that AWESOME!  Like I knew that.  But I didn't really believe that.  And I've thought and thought about it and it really clicked with me.  Sometimes they are going to be sad and moody and I don't need to "fix" it.  I don't need to add my sadness to their sadness but instead I need to be their constant.  When one of them tells someone off and I want to strangle them, I know that they will figure it out and probably won't be doing that when they are 40.  At least not as much.  When the answer to the question, "how was your day today" is a grunt for the 6th day in a row, I can probably guarantee that at some point in the future they're going to have an actual word for an answer.  Like "fine" or maybe even  "really good!"

I think as moms we are too hard on ourselves.  Some of that comes from worrying about how our children's behavior reflects on us.  (I'd like to say that I'm not vain like that but I promised to be honest and sometimes I do worry about that.)  But mostly, we just want our kids to grow up to be happy, smart, resilient adults.

So, Jen--I owe you.  I've breathed easier this week, tried to let things roll off my back, and when they grunt, I try to remember "this too shall pass."  

"Where is this so-called perfect life?"

I never wanted this blog to be "one more thing" that I had on my to-do list and so I haven't posted in a while because with the holidays life was just crazy busy.  Yet, it was still hanging over my head and so I thought, "if it's hanging over my head, why don't you just sit down and write something for heaven's sake."  It's not like I have a shortage of ideas--in fact I had decided to write a whole post about those dang Christmas letters you receive every year.  You know, the ones that talk about how Johnny gets straight A's and is student body president, Megan plays six instruments and volunteers at the nursing home 5 days a week, Peter just received his Eagle Scout award at the ripe old age of 13 and a half and Mom and Dad led the family to victory in their year long goal to read the scriptures and say family prayers EVERY night!!!  Woohoo for the Johnsons--we are amazing!

I admit it, I think I'm guilty of sending out letters like that before and they are totally fine.  They are fine.  But how come we don't send out letters that say, "Billy broke curfew 6 times in the last month, Abby is pulling straight C's and we're crossing our fingers we don't have to shell out the big bucks for summer school, Caleb plays Minecraft on the computer for 8 hours at a stretch, the gutters need to be cleaned, we can't find matching socks to save our life and quesadillas are a gourmet meal around the place?"  Because, I think that's a little closer to reality people.  Seriously!

Ok--so maybe that's a little extreme (or is it…) but over the last several months I have really thought a lot about how we (meaning me, but I don't think I'm totally alone here) spend so much time worrying about all the things we aren't doing instead of concentrating on what we ARE doing.  It's easy to assume that the Smiths always have a clean house and dinner together as a family every night.  And maybe they do.  But maybe their kids are sassy behind closed doors and maybe Sis. Smith snores really loud.  Or something like that.  It's easy to think that the Stewarts kids are perfect because they are NEVER late to church but maybe that's because Sis. Stewart dresses them in their suits the night before and they sleep in their clothes.  (Honest truth--I know somebody that did that!  Genius I say!)

I mean, it's a fine line--you don't want to air ALL of your dirty laundry--but how about some of it?  I have found that almost without question, when I admit to someone that I have only cooked twice in the last two weeks other moms nod their head in understanding.  Or when I mention that I have 4 baskets of laundry to fold and 5 kids are down to using one towel between them, my friend looks visibly relieved that she's not the only one.

So I'm starting it people--I'm admitting that the Morgan's are not perfect--not even close.  (Shocking I know!)  We go thru probably 6 packages of Oreos and Chips Ahoy every week and if my kids eat more than one vegetable or fruit in that time span we are doing well.  I'm really bad about making my kids do chores.  I don't enforce bedtimes.  My kids all have phones or iPods (they are monitored and the app stores and browsers are locked but I know that's no guarantee.)  The van has not been cleaned out or washed in months, there's a layer of dust on my family room shelves and the sink has not been empty of dirty dishes for a few days now.  (Because once I empty them there are always MORE.  Why????)

This doesn't mean that we shouldn't be striving to be better--this life is all about progression.  But it's not about perfection and the sooner we understand that, the better we will feel.  So my goal this year is to spend less time thinking about what I'm NOT doing and more time thinking about what I AM doing.  I love my kids.  We laugh together and genuinely like being around each other.  They are kind to one another and to me 99% of the time.  We try to do what's right and we succeed more often than not--but far from 100% of the time and that's ok.  We're just going to try to be better.  That's all.  Just a little better:-)