You are going to either think more or less of me after this one. And I'm Ok with that:-)

Part One:  My Experience

I have probably thought about writing this post hundreds of times.  In fact, I think it's why I originally started blogging because I knew someday this post needed to be written.  I keep waiting for the perfect time or the perfect way to say what I want to say but I decided tonight that it doesn't matter that I do it perfectly, I just need to do it.  (See, I HAVE learned something in this last year!)

First--an apology, particularly to my friends who are not of my faith.  This post will be a little high LDS context and it would take me forever to give all the background to explain everything but feel free to message me with any questions.  And I understand if you want to quit reading--but I hope you won't because out of all the posts I've done so far, this one comes from the most tender parts of my heart.

Almost 13 months to the day our oldest son came home early from a mission.  He had been called to serve in Madgascar ("I like to move it, move it"--admit it you were singing that in your head right now.)   But two days before he left the Missionary Training Center in Provo it was decided he needed to come home.  It's not my place to air all the gory details but it's enough to say that it was in a large part due to issues with anxiety and depression--issues we had no idea existed.  And frankly, neither did Jordan.  Call it a "perfect storm" if you will, of events.  A whole lot of pressure, unknowns and a few other things thrown in and so we received a call that we needed to come right away to get our son.

I don't think there is any way to adequately explain what we felt.  Honestly, unless you've been thru it you aren't going to understand and for those of you that aren't LDS I think it will be harder.  You see we spend our children's whole lives training them and preparing them to serve a 2 year mission for our church.  We consider it a sacred and holy calling and as parents we feel a great responsibility to prepare them for that--and as a mother of 5 boys I don't have to tell you that that's a whole lot of pressure.  And I wasn't all that worried.  I thought I had it (mostly) figured out and then out of the blue this happens--it's like getting hit by a semi truck.  Like really.  A big, giant semi truck.

To be frank, I could go on for pages about how this affected us.  It is the absolute truth that I have never cried so much in my life.  Or been so angry.  Or so lost.  Or overwhelmed, or insecure, or anxious, or worried, or entirely out of my element.  And you know what?  I realized a few things about myself.  (And here is where there is a good chance you are going to think a lot less of me but I promised honesty in this blog so here it is):

I was judgemental.  And proud.  And naive.  And a whole lot of stupid.

You see, I thought that if you do x,y and z that you were guaranteed a certain outcome.  2+2=4.  Except sometimes it equals -1000.  I thought that if I raised my boys a certain way, and taught them certain things, and went to my church meetings, and said my prayers and served and did my calling and loved my husband and the other thousand things I did "right" that my little life would be pretty close to perfect.  I mean I expected a few hiccups along the way, but not this.  Never this.

And so I'm apologizing publicly to any of you that I judged before.  And I don't think most of the time I was consciously "judging" you.  I really wasn't.  But that doesn't make it right.  I'm sorry that I thought that you must be doing something wrong because you had a bad marriage or wayward children or heck bad hair for that matter!  I was wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

And so even though this last year has been what I call the most terrible of my life, it's also been the most wonderful.  (Funny how trials are like that.)  Because here is what I've learned:

We can change.  We can change!  Through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can be better people and overcome our challenges.  I have more compassion now than ever before.  I judge less and love more. I understand my children better.  (I mean as a whole.  They still have me scratching my head a fair amount of the time.) My husband and I are closer and the changes to Jordan over the last year are remarkable.  I've learned that sometimes we can do almost everything right and things still happen.  And sometimes we screw up and we can fix it.  We can learn more, be better and our capacity for love grows even greater.


Part Two:  Some Advice


Whew!  That was a lot and maybe I should end it here but I do have a few pieces of advice for friends and family who have loved ones dealing with a situation like ours.  You see, one of the hardest things for me with having an early returning missionary is that I felt like nobody understood and nobody really knew what to do--and so I'm going to give you some tips.  Now keep in mind that every situation is different but from my perspective (as well as from the perspective of other moms I've talked with who have dealt with this) here are some suggestions:

1.  Understand that this is HARD for the family experiencing it.  I would treat it like a family experiencing any other tragedy like sickness or job loss.  Send a card, drop a treat by or offer to bring a meal.  (I will be forever grateful to the dear friend who offered to bring us dinner the night after we returned home from picking up our son.  It really meant the world.)

2.  Ignoring it is not the answer.  Trust me.  This makes it worse.  But also--don't ask for the details.  Missionaries come home early for all sorts of reasons:  physical health issues, mental health issues, testimony issues, morality issues and more.  If they want you to  know they will tell you.  And I'm going to get on my soap box and say no reason is better or worse than the other.  We have friends whose children came home for morality issues and I think they should be applauded for having the courage to admit their wrongdoings and work towards getting ready to go back out--all while everyone is watching and judging.  That takes guts.  And while I'm at it don't assume anything.  I had very well meaning people say to me, "I'm sure your son didn't come home for_____."  What if they did?  And now I know that you think that's shameful?  Just say I'm sorry and ask if there is anything you can do.  You can't go wrong with that strategy.

3.  Be sensitive.  The #1 lesson I have learned from this experience is that we ALL have trials and things that are hard in our life.  Lots of times others have no idea.  There are some things like illness or death or job loss that are apparent but there is so much more such as marriage issues, wayward children, addiction, depression and that people quietly suffer with.  I hope that I am more sensitive now to those situations--that I don't go on an on about my great marriage or new car or straight A student (well, first I'd have to get a kid that's one of those but you get the idea).  Because maybe the person I'm talking to doesn't have the same.  And there is another apology I need to make--I've done that and I'm sorry.  I was stupid and naive (see my above list.)

4.  Just love a little more.  Don't judge.  Be kind and don't freak out when someone like me starts bawling uncontrollably when you ask, "how are things?"  Because I just might.  And then I might talk to you non-stop for 45 minutes in the Target baking aisle because I just need to unload for heaven's sake.

My goodness--this is the longest post ever!  (Like really-- I promise to never post something this wordy again).  But like I said, it's been weighing on my mind.  And now that it's done I can go back to my random musings on my losing battle to get organized.  There's always material ripe for the picking on that subject…

Oh--and as for Jordan.  He is doing well!  He returned to the mission field last month to serve in the Illinois, West Chicago mission.  He loves it and feels like it is exactly where he needs to be.  For those of you who would like to be included on his weekly email list please message me or you can follow him on FB.  We predict things will continue to go well and if for some reason they don't--we know that the Lord has a plan for that as well.

                                    Elder Morgan with his companion 

Good night!

UPDATE!!  I can't believe it's been almost two years since I wrote this post!  Jordan successfully completed his mission and flies home in just 6 days!  We are beyond thrilled at the HUGE changes he has made in his life and the young man he has become.  And we can't wait to hug that kid!  If you are interested in coming and hearing him report on his mission he will be speaking at the Hearthwood Bldg at 300 Hearthwood Blvd in Vancouver at 9:00 am on Dec. 13th.

Someone just give me a list!

I was talking with another mom today about how easy it is to get overwhelmed with the "shoulds" in our life--particularly as it relates to being mothers.  We should spend quality time with our kids.  We should teach them to be self reliant.  We should expect them to get good grades.  We should teach them to work hard.  We should teach them to live the gospel.  We should attend all their events.  We should provide for them but at the same time we don't want them to be spoiled brats. We should teach them to be respectful, hold a job, find a spouse and live a good life.  So many shoulds! It's exhausting! My friend and I were commiserating about how guilty we feel when we can't complete all the shoulds and agreed that what we really need is a list of the absolute shoulds.  Like on a scale of 1-10 how does picking up your socks rank compared to "hold a steady job."  Is eye rolling really  an 8 or 9 like it feels when it happens for the 10th time that day or is that maybe less important than "be a contributing member of society?"  How do we figure out what the bare minimum is we need to be doing when the bare minimum feels like a mountain let alone the thousand more "shoulds" that lurk out there?  And then we pile even more guilt on because we make the mistake of looking around and comparing ourselves to others.


I think this comparing is really the heart of the problem.  I've joked in the past about the dangers of pinterest but maybe it's not a joke.  We see these women with these perfectly organized houses and we think that that must carry over into every aspect of their life.  Or we read these cute little blogs and think that these women with their kids in matching outfits and hair bows must not struggle with self esteem issues or a pile of clothes on their tub.  One lady at church once told me that she was envious of my "perfect mormon life" and I actually laughed out loud.  And then told her she was sadly mistaken if she thought my life is perfect.  Don't get me wrong--I have a great life with so many things to be thankful for, but it is in no way perfect.  And it's not meant to be.

Heres the thing:  I don't have a sparkling clean house, a well manicured or landscaped yard, a perfect track record for family scripture study and prayers or a fool proof system for getting my kids to practice the piano.  I don't cook dinner every (alright most) nights, we eat too much junk food, watch too much TV and stay up too late.  When they tell me at church that now I should be figuring out a way for my kids to be involved in family history work it about pushes me over the edge because the thought of adding one more thing to the list of things I should be doing is just too much.  So I decided today that I'm coming up with my own list of "shoulds"--Heather, here you go:

1.  I should be kinder to myself as a mother.  I may not be perfect but I try my best.  There is no such thing as "super mom" and the title of "mostly mediocre mom" is nothing to be ashamed of.
2.  I should cut my kids some slack--it's ok if they roll their eyes once in a while or are grumpy about seminary, or forget to take the trash out.
3.  I should tell my kids I love them and show it with how I talk to them.

And most importantly:

4.  I should make sure that I read my scriptures every day and pray because without God's help everything is so much harder and frankly at times impossible.  I can honestly say that without divine guidance I think I would have literally lost my mind this last year.  And to be quite frank, if I'm in tune with what the Lord wants me to do, then I'll be okay.  And my family will okay.  Not perfect--but okay.