When our oldest was two years old we bought a new coffee table for our little student apartment. For whatever reason, Jordan looked at that and thought "jungle gym" and immediately climbed on top of it and stood proudly in the center. I looked at him, told him "no, we don't stand on tables" and pulled him off. And then he climbed up there again. And I pulled him off again. This pattern continued ALL DAY. (Two year olds tend to have a mind of their own.) After about the 20th time, I was tired of it and started thinking, "what's the big deal? Maybe I should just let him climb on there because this is exhausting and is it really worth the fight?" And then clear as day this thought came to me:
"It's a coffee table when he's two, it's dating and drugs and grades when he's 15."
Our kids need limits. They need to be told "no" and they need us to follow through. It's a fine line. My sister in law told us about a family she knows who felt that they spent too much time saying no so they decided to hold "A Day of Yes" which is exactly how it sounds. All good in theory until after a day of various outings, screen time, treats and gifts it dissolved into a crying frenzy at the local ice cream shop and the family packed up and left before the treats even arrived. Too much yes, it seems, makes for a big no at the end of the day.
So, how do we know when to say no? That right there is the magic question. It's really easy to swing too far in either direction. Either you become the all powerful dictator (which your kids will eventually resent and probably rebel against) or you become captain of the Permissive Parenting movement and your kids become the holy terror of the neighborhood. (And admit it--right now you can think of at least one kid you know who fits that description...) The goal then is to land somewhere in the middle at the corner of Responsible and Appropriate.
I tend to ask myself a couple of questions when faced with the decision of when to say no:
1. Does saying no benefit BOTH my child and myself?
2. Will me saying "no" set my child up for making better decisions down the road?
If the answer is yes to both of those, then a no is in order. See, our kids DO want limits. They may not know that now, but they want to know where the line is. That gives them security and stability. And more security and stability means that they will be more comfortable making their own decisions when appropriate, which leads to resilience, which is basically my personal soap box for what I think our children are lacking. (But that's another blog post...)
So tell me, how do YOU decide when a "no" is in order? I'd love to hear stories from your own life of what worked and especially what didn't. Because, let's face it, if we are smart we will probably learn more from our mistakes than anything else. And lest you think that I've done it perfectly (your'e laughing at that suggestion, I know) believe me, I haven't. Just ask my children...
