"Keep Your Heels, Head, and Standards High"

Do you ever feel like your self worth is in the toilet?  How can we increase our own self worth when we live in a society that seems to tear it down so frequently? These are questions that I have pondered over the last couple of weeks as I prepared to speak to a group of girls and women on the topic, “Keeping Your Heels, Heads, and Standards High.” After much thought I believe the answer lies in this phrase, recited each week in the Young Women’s meetings throughout the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father Who Loves Us and We Love Him”

When we really understand this and come to believe it 2 things will happen:

1. Our self worth will increase

2. Our desire to be like Him will increase (which will in turn increase our sense of self worth)

As girls and women we are hard on ourselves! We feel guilty too often, we compare too frequently and we feel like we don’t measure up much of the time. I am surrounded by 8 sisters in law and 2 sisters who are enormously talented. One is an amazing photographer. Some are super talented and creative. Others have patience far beyond mine. One speaks a number of foreign languages and another is an amazing mother to a son with significant physical handicaps. I have a mother in law who keeps a spotless house and my own mother can sew anything, including my wedding dress which was a ginormous creation straight out of the early 90’s, with big sleeves, a giant bow and enough pearls and sequins to blind you.

If I wasn’t careful I could easily feel like I don’t measure up.  The only foreign language I speak is Dave's middle of the night nonsense talk and we all know I'm not going to get the "Good Housekeeping Award" anytime soon.  But guess what?  I know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me. Little old me! I think about each of my six children with all of their different talents and abilities and we are no different in the site of our Father in Heaven. As women we aren’t all meant to be the same—how boring would life be if we were? (Like really--how many Kristyn's do you want running around this world?  The sock piles would be enormous.)

In the October 2014 General Conference, Pres. Uchtdorf (an apostle of the Lord) said this:

“He sees you clearly--He knows you as you really are. And He loves you--today and always! Do you suppose it matters to our Heavenly Father whether your makeup, clothes, hair, and nails are perfect? Do you think your value to Him changes based on how many followers you have on Instagram or Pinterest? Do you think He wants you to worry or get depressed if some un-friend or un-follow you on Facebook or Twitter? Do you think outward attractiveness, your dress size, or popularity make the slightest difference in your worth to the One who created the universe?”

When we recognize our role as a daughter of God, our self worth can’t help but to increase, and as we begin to understand who we are, our desire to follow His path will increase—even when the world may tell us otherwise.

Now, more than ever we women must be an example of who the Lord knows we are—His daughters. We must, in essence, act as a daughter of God would act.

Former Young Women general president Margaret D. Nadauld taught:

“The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.”

I fear that as women we are losing site of what it means to be a true daughter of God and by doing so, our own self worth is diminishing rapidly. It’s not easy to stand up for what we believe is right. It’s rarely popular, particularly if social media is to be any sort of measuring stick. Just in this last week I have seen several FB posts that have caused me to pause (ok--really they just riled me up) and consider that my morals and views seem to be going against the grain of society. Modesty, clean language, the divine role of motherhood, treating our spouses with respect and more seem to be viewed as unnecessary, old fashioned or intolerant. And all the while we wonder why we are unhappy?

I believe the answer to happiness can be found in returning to a virtuous life. I recognize that this might not be a popular idea but I absolutely believe that a virtuous life builds our confidence and will lead to powerful women with a increased self worth. Women, let’s have the confidence to act as God would have us act, to understand our worth as His daughter and to join the call for a return to virtue.

Setting Out To Do The Unthinkable

SETTING OUT TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE

How many times have you told yourself “I’m just that way?” I’ve done that to myself a lot over the years.  “I’ll never have an organized house,” “I’m shy”, “I just can’t eat hot dogs.”  (OK—THAT is true!  Hot dogs gross me out.)  By telling ourselves these things we are essentially saying “I’m incapable of changing.”  Huh.  That doesn’t sit well with me because if we don’t change we don’t progress.  And I want to be better than I was yesterday.  So with that in mind, I set out three weeks ago to do the unthinkable:  become a morning person.

Yep—I have long proclaimed myself a night owl.  Frankly in my early mothering days it was the only time of day I could actually put together two coherent thoughts let alone get any sort of project done.  After the bedtime ritual of stories and songs and prayers and teeth brushing (who am I kidding—the kids rarely brushed their teeth at night…) I would drag out what ever project I wanted to complete and stay up to the wee hours of the night working in blissful silence.  Mornings arrived with me bleary eyed, grumpy and planning how soon “Blues Clues” would come on so I could squeeze in a 30 minute nap on the couch.  (To this day the theme song of “Blues Clues incites instant yawning on my part—a sort of “Pavlov’s Dogs” response.)

But life is different now and I was finding myself dissatisfied with the way my days were playing out.  I found that things like exercise were getting pushed aside.  The more that exercise got pushed aside the more frustrated I became.  Even worse I woke up feeling behind and went to bed feeling behind.  So I had a crazy thought—what if I got up every morning at 5:00 am and went to the gym?  

When I proposed this to Dave he was dubious.  Mostly because he’s been married to me for 24 years.  You see, he knows that the number of times I have been upright at 5:00 am can be counted on one hand.  However, as a natural morning person himself he was supportive—albeit skeptical.

So, Monday morning came and my alarm went off at the unholy hour of 5:00 am.  Since it was Day 1 I was determined to follow through.  I stumbled to the bathroom, got dressed and headed out the door.  Here’s something you may not know:  it’s DARK at 5:00 am!  What the heck?  Navigating by the stars, I made my way to the gym.

Are you curious what I discovered?  The gym is practically empty!  You don’t have to wait for the equipment you want to use and when you head to the weight benches you don’t have to wade through a bunch of body builder guys half your age.  The music is quieter and best of all—NOBODY shows up in full make up and hair!   By the time I left 80 minutes later I had my exercise and scripture study done and my thoughts gathered about my day ahead.  And not only that but when I returned home I found time to unload my dishwasher, start the laundry, start dinner in the crockpot and process my inbox.  All before 9:00 am!  

But that was just the first day.  The real test remained as to how the next few days would play out.  Well, I’m happy to report that so far, three weeks in, it seems to have stuck.  I’m actually looking forward to my mornings now!  Sure, I have to go to bed a little earlier, and you better not talk to me for the first 20 minutes I’m awake, but overall I’m loving the results.  I no longer feel guilty all day that I didn’t find time to fit my work out in and even better, I am SO much more productive.  There really seems to be something to this idea of arising early.

Now I want to figure out how to apply this concept of change to other areas of my life.  If I really desire a tidy house, shouldn’t I be able to make that happen?  If I want to reinvent a way to help my kids be organized, couldn’t I do that?  If I want to become a motivational speaker and pod cast host, isn’t it possible?  (An idea I’ve been toying with but currently have no idea how to go about.)  The question becomes “what am I willing to give up, or commit to to make those things happen?”  So I predict some more soul searching ahead—most likely while running on a treadmill at 5:30 am tomorrow morning:)

Advice From a Parenting Expert

I was recently asked to submit an article for a website called: Power of Moms.  I believe I mentioned them in my last post, but basically it's a great, free site, that focuses on "deliberate motherhood."    But it's been challenging for me to write an article for the site because I keep thinking, "what do I know?"  And then I realized, that I had this misguided notion that people who write about or teach about or give talks about motherhood are somehow perfect--that they have perfect families with kids that are always well behaved who always make the best choices.  Or I thought that they must be the type of moms who always speak with a soft tone and whose children hug them goodbye every time they leave the house (or something equally June Cleaver-like.)  Then it hit me--wouldn't I want parenting advice from someone who actually understood what I was going through?  Who best to help other moms in challenging situations than a mom who has lived it?  And let me tell you, I've lived it alright.

So with that in mind here are some things that as a mom I do know:

1.  As a good friend told me recently, "Don't compare your family's 'Behind the Scenes Story' to another family's 'Highlights Reel.'  That seems so obvious and yet we do it.  All.The.Time.  Someone at church once said to me that they wished they had a perfect family like mine.  I literally laughed out loud.  I do not have a perfect family.  You do not have a perfect family.  Let's keep that in mind shall we?

2.  If you don't set limits with your children at a young age, you are in for a world of hurt at an older age.  Believe me, it's much easier to control the actions of a 5 year old than it is the actions of a 17 year old.  So when you have put your preschooler on timeout for the 5th time that day for talking back, stick to your guns.  It's making you crazy now but it will save your sanity later.

3.  To avoid going completely nuts when you have teenagers you must learn to not let their moods affect your moods.  As one of my favorite parenting authors says, "keep their wind out of your sails." Seriously.  That idea was a life saver to me.  Teens will be moody.  Often.  If you let your attitude be affected by their attitudes you're in for a world of hurt.  It was tough enough being a teen when I was one--I don't want to relive it 6 more times.

4.  Take time to focus on the good in your children.  Too often it's easy to get caught up in all they are not doing versus the other way around.  Maybe their room looks like a bomb went off and they forget to take out the trash but aren't you glad that they keep their curfew, are kind to their siblings, and notice when you actually cook dinner?  One of the best things I ever did while in the middle of a challenging parenting time was to make a list of all the troubling things my child was doing and then a list of all the great things they were doing.  The first column had a grand total of 5 items.  The 2nd? 26!  And yet I was spending all of my time fixated on those 5 negative ones.  Look for the positive.

5.  Give yourself a break.  I mean this literally as well as figuratively.  Every Monday I go to lunch.  By myself.  It's my time to eat tacos and read a book and get myself recharged for the week ahead.  While I'm doing that it's a reminder to me that as a mom, I don't have to perfect--I just have to try my best and trust that in the end, things will work out.

Motherhood is so very hard but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Most days:)

Am I In a Cult?

I think I have found my new calling in life--master declutterer.  Is that even a word?  It is now!  My last blog post detailed the organization system called "Mind Organization for Moms" hereafter and forever referred to as MOM.  This system has been life changing for me as far as getting all that was in my HEAD out of it and into a system for me to keep track of.  My emails are organized into folders and my projects/responsibilities are all assembled in my file/cubby system.  Here's a pic:

I cannot begin to tell you what a relief this system has been for me!  Then, a few weeks ago I struck another gold mine.  This:

http://www.amazon.com/Life-Changing-Magic-Tidying-Decluttering-Organizing-ebook/dp/B00KK0PICK/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=

My apologies to all of my family and friends that have had to listen to me go on, and on, and on, and on about this book but holy cow people!  This is it!  (At least for me--I know there are some haters out there.)  I also fully recognize that it sounds like I have "drunk the kool aid", so to speak.  Totally worth it.

The basic premise of the book is that we need to keep the things that "spark joy" and let go of the rest.  But it's SO much more than that.  This book spoke to me. For so long I have been spinning my wheels on the home front.  Sure, compared to lots of people we were doing ok but you all know what a disaster my laundry room was not to mention my chronic pile of clothes on the tub. 

 LOOK AT MY TUB PEOPLE:

AND IT'S LOOKED LIKE THAT FOR 15 DAYS!!!! (Forgive all the caps but this is BIG!)  And not only that but following the book's philosophy I have gone over nearly all my house and everything has a place!  No longer do I spend an hour looking for spray paint I bought, or band aids or batteries, or the right light bulb.  Literally, everything has a place.  And it's one place and a place that makes sense.

I'm not going to take the time to explain the whole system because to catch the full vision you really need to read the book and it's totally worth the $7.99 on Kindle.  Forget waiting for it from the library--my sister was #424 on the waiting list...)  But the biggest thing for me was sorting by category--not by room.  For years I have "decluttered" or "organized" going room to room.  And I would make a little progress but usually it was just me moving a stack of things from one place to another and never really finding where stuff "belonged."  Or I would purge a little but hold on to things "just in case I might one day need 50 blinking mickey necklaces." (That is actually true--I found those in my closet).   According to the book, the author recommends starting with clothing and getting ALL of your clothing in one place.  That included all shoes, purses backpacks, coats, etc.  So that's what I did. I pulled every article of clothing I owned out of the closet/drawers/baskets and this is what I came up with.  Frankly, the pictures don't do it justice.  And this was two weeks after I had "purged" my clothes!

I then set about going through the items one by one, only keeping those things that "sparked joy."  (It's hokey, but that's what she calls it--I think it's a weird Japanese translation thing...)  Do you know what I discovered?  I discovered that I had 4 almost identical gray cardigans! Why?  I had 8 similar black t-shirts--yet I only wear the same 2.  I had shoes with tags on them that were a "good deal" but that I never wore because they hurt my feet.  When all was said and done I donated 3 bags to Goodwill, one to my sister and another one was full of trash.  The result?

And the best thing of all?  I'm putting things back where they belong!!!  This is amazing!  And once I started I couldn't stop.  I woke up early in the morning--early(!) to begin KMing (that's what the cool people call it I guess) my home. I had 7 identical paint rollers yet could never find one to use.  Who needs 7 paint rollers?  I'm never going to have 7 people helping me paint I'm sure.  My home is clean, I've donated LOADS of things, sent furniture to new homes and "tidying" my home is so much quicker. I no longer feel guilty when someone stops by or when I want to watch TV instead of cleaning.  

So to all of my fellow spastic moms who feel like they can't ever get it together, I'm telling you--this may be your answer.  It seems to be for me and while I'm not perfect I cannot tell you how much better I feel.  

So I don't care if this may be some weird Japanes cleaning cult.  I'm in.  Now who wants to join me??? 

Do You Get ADD At The Age of 42???

I am a living testament to the fact that God really does answer our prayers--even ones from a mom who was feeling like she was losing her mind because she couldn't get her life and brain (mostly her brain) organized.  I know that because I'm that woman.  Some background:

When I started this blog almost two years ago it was part therapy and partly a way for me to attempt to document myself getting my act together.  Well, I think it met the therapy goal but the second goal was pretty much an epic fail.  Oh, we did implement a new allowance system which worked great (but is getting a huge revamp next week) and I learned some good parenting skills along the way, but honest truth--I felt like I was constantly behind.  Oh wait--that's because I WAS!

The only way I can describe it is that I felt like I had about a million things to keep track of and they were all either jumbled around in my brain, filed away somewhere in my email in box of 45,000--yes 45,000 emails, written on a list that I kept forgetting to look at or buried under a pile of papers on the end of the kitchen counter.  Every day I went to bed feeling behind and woke up feeling behind.  I had the same things on my "to do" list for 6 months.  Between the kids, work, the house, callings, volunteering and everything else I felt BURIED.  (Does this sound familiar to anyone?)  And because I felt so overwhelmed I spent a good chunk of my time avoiding the things that needed to be done because I couldn't figure out how to get started.  So I got really good at Candy Crush.

So...finally (I guess I'm a slow learner), I decided that maybe it might be a good idea to ask the good Lord for help.  I figured I didn't have anything to lose--my sanity was already gone-and maybe, just maybe He would have an answer.  And he did.  On Facebook.  Facebook--the land of annoying video reposts, braggy status updates, and endless requests to join Candy Crush.  But as I sat one day scrolling aimlessly through FB land I cam across this:

http://powerofmoms.com/webinar-information-page-draft/

The name of this rang a bell because a friend had mentioned it in a comment on my blog a while back and at the time I had good intentions to read it "someday" but then when someday arrived I couldn't remember what it was I wanted to read.  (Story.Of.My.Life.)  Well--it was a sign I tell you because I had hours worth of Christmas wrapping to do so I signed up for the webinar on "Getting Projects Done" and a new me was born!  Call me a sucker but I was sold after listening to this webinar.  For the first time in a long time I felt like I might have a solution to my scattered ways so I texted Dave and told him I knew what I wanted for Christmas.  Yes--the full organizational system cost me money but it is worth every penny to me because for the first time in a loooong time I feel energized and inspired and ORGANIZED!  Projects are getting done, emails are cleaned up and attended to, and I have time to relax and enjoy my life again.  I really do think it's an answer to prayer.

So..if anyone is interested take a look at the webinar.  That is absolutely free and worth listening to if nothing else.  The Power of Moms website has loads of free info on parenting and organizing and a bunch of other stuff and if you are interested in learning more about the M.O.M system of organization you can find that info there.  (I know I sound like a Power of Moms zealot but I'm ok with that.  Totally worth it.)  Who knows--it might be your answer to prayer too:-)

Choosing Your Battles

I've been talking with some moms lately about navigating the stormy waters of parenting and I've decided that the number one rule that allows us to be (somewhat) successful is this:  Choose Your Battles.  Really--that's like the golden rule of parenting.  Have you ever seen those parents where EVERYTHING is a big deal--so consequently nothing is a big deal?  You know, the parents that yell about every little thing, find fault with more things than not and are grounding their kids every other day for practically nothing?  I'm gonna let you in on a little secret:  that doesn't work.  I am convinced that the more we yell, the less our kids hear.  The more we take away, the less control we get.  The more we complain, the less they trust us.

It's not easy being a parent.  At the base, we all just want our kids to do well, make good choices and not screw up our grandkids some day.  It just seems that too often our solution is to try to take too much control when really we need to be giving up more control.  This is something I've thought about a lot the last few years and that advice, to choose my battles, has taken on a new meaning.  Now, keep in mind this is a work in progress and things that in the past I would have freaked out about (talking to girls) now seems like no big deal (at least they are talking to someone:-)  So here is the Morgan list of battles I choose to fight--or not.  (Keep in mind--these are MY battles and that doesn't mean that I think yours should be the same.  They won't be and that's OK!!)

BATTLE TO FIGHT:

Speaking kindly--in our house it is not acceptable to yell or talk rudely to one another, particularly a parent.  For our home, I have found that the Spirit has a hard time being here if everyone is yelling.

BATTLE TO LET GO:

Hugging, kissing or general touchy/feeliness.  I'm sure I'm to blame for not nursing my kids enough as babies or forbidding them to sleep in my bed (seriously--how do people sleep with 3 foot heating pads in their beds?)  but pretty much all of them are not big on this.  ("No touching!') It used to bug me--it doesn't anymore and I figure when it counts they will come for hugs as is evidenced by the THREE times Carter returned to hug me goodbye when he left on his mission:-)

BATTLE TO FIGHT:

Church/mutual--they don't always want to go.  Heck I don't always want to go, but almost always they will be there.  Even after a 3 hour soaking wet rehearsal.  They may not be in the best mood when they go, but they are there.

BATTLE TO LET GO:

Wearing their scout shirt to said mutual.  This is one that in the old days would have been a big deal to me.  It's not that I don't think it's a good idea, or that I don't think they should wear it since they've been asked--it's just that in the eternal scheme of things this one isn't worth fighting for me.  Unfortunately teenage boys who want to look attractive for teenage girls do not think they look super cool in a boy scout uniform.  Shocking I know.

BATTLE TO FIGHT:

Respecting other people's things.  Generally speaking, with the exception currently of one son getting caught using someone else's cup, the kid's respect each other's stuff.  You might have seen the picture I posted of the separate chocolate milk (or as we call it:  "milk, chocolate milk") jugs in our fridge.  A lot of people questioned if that would work.  It does because they understand the importance of people's things.

BATTLE TO LET GO:

Healthy eating.  Ok--I know this one will bug people and being a Weight Watcher leader people will assume that my kids eat healthier than most.  True confession:  they don't.  They drink too much soda, eat too many Oreos and skip too many meals.  I cook infrequently (but stay tuned because I am about to embark on a bold new adventure soon) and I love to eat out.  And so do they.  Should they eat healthier?  Yes.  Do I wish they ate more fruits and veggies?  Of course.  Is it currently worth me fighting with them about it or heaven forbid cause some sort of eating disorder because of it?  No.  I was a picky eater.  My siblings were picky eaters.  Dave was a picky eater.  And guess what?  We grew out of it.

As I've been writing this I realized that the list of what I let go is far longer than the battles I engage in.  Some examples of other

things I choose not to fight:

1.  Messy bedrooms.  That's why there is a door.  For me to close.
2.  Video game time limits.  If I think they've been on too long or they are getting mad, then I ask them to turn it off.  They do.  With six kids it just never worked for me to say each got a certain amount of playing time and I had no interest in being the video game police.  Plus with six kids they HAD to share.  It's survival of the fittest.
3.  Wearing pajamas to bed--Parker once slept in his suit Saturday night so he didn't have to get ready Sunday morning.  Whatever. That's being efficient right?
4.  Strict bedtimes--this is because my kids are all over the age of 11.  When they were little it was 6:30.  Because I needed to stay sane.
5.  Skipping the occasional class at school.  Bad I know--but I trust them to be smart about it.  So far they haven't abused the privilege.  If they do, that may change.

Like I said--my battles are my battles.  Some people might be appalled by what goes on over here at the Morgan house.  The potty talk alone would make my mother cringe!  But if you find that you are yelling and punishing a whole lot, maybe it's time to choose your own battles a little more wisely.  Just a thought from a mom who's been there:-)

We've Got Problems

For those of you following along on this wacky life journey of mine you know that it's pretty obvious that here at the Morgan house we are a long way from perfect.  We also might be, just a tiny bit, a little nutso.  Here are just a few glimpses into our life this last week:

First, we still have not remedied the cooking situation around here.  I'm seriously at a loss.  Even if I do cook, which is getting more and more rare, nobody eats it.  I made dinner the other day and came down to find a certain son (who shall remain nameless) eating the following--I am not making this up:  A giant bag of Ruffles potato chips, a stack of oreos and, wait for it, goldfish.  All chased down by a Mountain Dew.  What???  I know what you're thinking--don't buy that stuff.  Easier said than done.  I just really, really like Oreos...

Second, in a giant push to purge my home of all things not useful I organized every nook and cranny and consequently can't find anything anymore.  I think my scattered system was actually easier.  I spent two hour--TWO HOURS--looking for the stuff to clean the fish bowl with because I feared Kennedy's wrath if I didn't find it by the 15th.  That's her regularly scheduled day for cleaning the bowl.  Whose kid is that???

Third, one of my sons has a phobia which was highlighted by this phrase yelled down the stairs at me tonight:  "Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I need you to come up here and kill a spider for me! "  Now, keep in mind that I am only left with teenage sons at this house anymore so...it's a problem.  Because I'm a big believer in facing our fears I made that son man up and suck up that thing with a vacuum.  It was quite the event.  Tomorrow night we are moving on to his fear of people touching him and clowns.  Anybody know where I can score a lot of touchy, feely clowns on short notice???

Fourth--the Morgan's like a lot of potty humor.  Like every meal involves some sort of bodily sound/fluid discussion.  And it's not limited to meals either because sometimes it sneaks into our scripture study as well.  We should be ashamed.

Case in point: this is McKay's senior picture we are going to display on the bookshelf

Yep--we're wack jobs around here.  I've got teenage boys single handedly bringing croc shoes back in fashion, a missionary son who likes to scare the daylights out of his poor unsuspecting companion and a daughter who I'm pretty sure is more responsible than me.  And she's 11.  And I kind of love it:-)