"Thanks for the advice, Jen."

I need an instruction manual.  On teenagers.  Like what are they thinking, or more importantly, what does that grunt mean?

If I am being completely honest, which I hope by now you all know that I'm trying to be, I have been a little out of my element lately in the parenting department.  Being a mom of little kids came very naturally to me--it just "made sense" so to speak.  Getting your kid to sleep thru the night?  Got it.  Potty training--easy.  Bedtime--perfected the 6:30 pm turn in.  Time outs, Love and Logic, lullabies, Family Home Evenings,  joy school, piano lessons, "sassy spray" for talking back, binky rehab, Blues Clues trivia, endless answers to the question; "Why????"  Done.  I mean, it wasn't easy--but it made sense to me.

Teenagers?  Somedays I feel like I'm in a foreign land.  Or maybe outer space.  It's not that I don't enjoy lots of things about having older kids.  I love going to all of their activities and seeing their talents develop.  I love having good gospel and political discussions with them.  They are witty and smart and fabulous and a million other great things.  But sometimes I don't know what in the heck I'm doing as their parent.  Like completely clueless.  Honestly, I've spent way too much time analyzing this as of late.  How do I change my parenting style to reflect these almost adults?  When do I jump in to help and when do I let them navigate their challenges on their own?  Have I taught them too much?  Am I too overprotective, judgmental, or annoying?  Did I not teach them enough and am I slacking in teaching them to be kind, responsible, contributing members of society?  And what's with the grunting? So much grunting...

So Sunday morning as I was pondering why I can't seem to figure it out, I had this truly great idea to message a friend of mine who also has 5 boys and a girl all about the same ages of mine.  We don't know each other extremely well but I was blessed to work with her a few years back on a church committee and I really respected her.  I don't think she would mind me saying that her kids have been a handful (and probably still are sometimes).  I love her FB posts about holes in the wall, the principal's office, the dishes under their beds and so much more and she always seems to be able to laugh about it. She gave me some great advice but here is the best part of all:

"I think the most effective thing I do is keep in mind whatever they're doing or have done that is driving me bonkers will END.  I also have learned not to take personally anything my kids do or say.  It's hormones and they're crazy people.  Really."

Isn't that AWESOME!  Like I knew that.  But I didn't really believe that.  And I've thought and thought about it and it really clicked with me.  Sometimes they are going to be sad and moody and I don't need to "fix" it.  I don't need to add my sadness to their sadness but instead I need to be their constant.  When one of them tells someone off and I want to strangle them, I know that they will figure it out and probably won't be doing that when they are 40.  At least not as much.  When the answer to the question, "how was your day today" is a grunt for the 6th day in a row, I can probably guarantee that at some point in the future they're going to have an actual word for an answer.  Like "fine" or maybe even  "really good!"

I think as moms we are too hard on ourselves.  Some of that comes from worrying about how our children's behavior reflects on us.  (I'd like to say that I'm not vain like that but I promised to be honest and sometimes I do worry about that.)  But mostly, we just want our kids to grow up to be happy, smart, resilient adults.

So, Jen--I owe you.  I've breathed easier this week, tried to let things roll off my back, and when they grunt, I try to remember "this too shall pass."