5 Steps To A Healthy Marriage

Dave and I are approaching our 25th wedding anniversary!  25 years!!  It seems like such a short time ago we were living in Provo in our tiny run down basement apartment.  This last week we had the privilege of spending time with our entire family, including our son and daughter in law who were married just last month.  (And who were probably completely mortified that they had to share a hotel room with their parents, but handled it with grace.) As I watched them and reflected on the last 25 years of my own marriage I came up with five steps to a healthy marriage:

1.  SPEAK KINDLY

You would think this would go without saying but I can't tell you how many couples we have been around that seem to have missed this memo.  Yelling, arguing, belittling, and sarcasm have no place in a marriage.  I try to always remember this: " If I was being talked to the way I am talking to my spouse at this moment, how would I feel? "  If the answer is discouraged, angry, belittled or demeaned, then I know I need to change how I'm speaking.  I'm telling you--this one strategy can be a game changer.

2.  DATE WEEKLY

I did a previous blog post on this concept and you can read it here:  http://morganhouseofmystery.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-1-thing-that-will-make-you-better.html

The bottom line is that a weekly date means you value your relationship with your spouse and that they are a priority.  It doesn't have to be a big production--most of our dates involve dinner and shopping at Target--but it should happen every week.  And I can already hear the excuses:  "We don't have money, we don't have a sitter, our lives are too busy, I don't want to be away from the baby/children/dog"...I don't care.  You need to date every week.  The end.

3.  GET AWAY FOR A WEEKEND AT LEAST TWICE A YEAR

Yeah, yeah, yeah--you are coming up with more excuses at this moment.  Again, I don't care.  If your marriage is a priority you will figure out a way to make it happen.  Money is an issue?  Forego other luxuries and save for the next 6 months.  No sitters?  Surely you have some friends somewhere??  If not, you better start making some quick!  If the friends can't watch the kids, they probably know a good reliable older teenager or young adult that can handle your kids for a night or two.  I'll be honest, this was a step that we didn't figure out until about 10 years into our marriage but when we did, we never looked back.  All those benefits that come from a weekly date are compounded when you have a weekend get away.  It's a time to recharge, reconnect and build intimacy which brings me to step 4:

4.  PHYSICAL INTIMACY

I'm just going to say it--sex is pretty dang important in marriage.  I've heard of people that outside of creating children don't have sex.  I'm going to be blunt--I think that's wrong.  And also probably leads to some really frustrated individuals.  (Or a heck of a lot of children...) Being physically intimate shows you love your spouse and you want to be close to them.  It means you understand that you each have physical needs and you work together to figure out the best way to meet those needs.  Again--I can hear the excuses:  "I don't feel attractive, we are too busy, the kids are at home." If you don't feel attractive, figure out something that will make you feel sexy.  If you're too busy, schedule it.   If the kids are home, lock the bedroom door.  (We take a lot of "naps" in our house.) I'm perfectly comfortable telling you that we actually schedule our sex life (with room for spontaneity).  Navigating the waters of your physical relationship brings you closer together, which leads to the final step:

5.  EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

I could go on and on about this final step.  (Even more than I could go on about step #4).  Emotional intimacy means being able to share your thoughts, dreams, concerns, and basically everything with your spouse.  It means making yourself vulnerable and taking emotional risks.  It means practicing whole hearted listening and it means practicing that on a daily basis.  Have you seen couples that basically live in the same house but have no real relationship?  That's because they haven't developed emotional intimacy.  I can honestly say that Dave is my best friend and biggest confidant.  This didn't happen overnight, but over time because we have made it a priority.  If your child/mother/sister/friend is ranked as your #1 personal confident, you have work to do on being emotionally intimate with your spouse.  Start today--you'll thank me later.

I firmly believe that our relationship with our spouse is the single most important relationship we can have on this earth.  The question to ask yourself is "are the things I'm doing now in my marriage reflecting that?"  If not, it's not too late.  Start now!

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