My Children Come Second in My Life--(and they know it)

Recently a friend gave a great talk in church and she made this comment:  "As children we came second in my family.  And that's the way it should be."  I loved this statement because I think too many couples get it backwards.  It's so easy to let your children come between you and your spouse and that's dangerous territory.

I've written previously about the importance about dating your spouse so I won't rehash that point (although I'm pretty adamant about it.)  Instead here are three different reasons your spouse needs to come before your children:

TO SHOW SOLIDARITY

Nothing undermines your influence as a parent more than having a spouse who doesn't have your back. You know what I'm talking about, right?  One parent makes a decision and then the other one reverses it or even worse, disagrees with the decision in front of the kids.  Yikes.  One of my children recently said that they have never seen Dave or I fight.  Although it's true that we have never yelled at or insulted one another, we don't always see eye to eye.  But we work that out between us so that when we are faced with making family decisions, disciplining the kids or setting boundaries, we are in agreement.  Two people, one united purpose.  The exception--when the kids want to go out for ice cream they go to Dad. (And usually send their sister to do the asking.)

TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Dave and I talk often about the need for emotional intimacy in your marriage.  Being able to connect emotionally is probably the biggest marker of a lasting and satisfying marriage.  Unfortunately, sometimes our relationships with our kids creep in and can affect our relationship with our spouse.  It's wonderful to foster an emotionally intimate relationship with your children, but if you find that you are turning to your children more than your spouse to get your emotional needs met then it's time to re-evaluate.

BECAUSE KIDS GROW UP AND LEAVE

Yep, for the majority of us, our children will grow up and leave the nest--and that's exactly what you want.  And then it's you and your spouse.  Together.  Forever.  You don't want to send your final child off to school and turn to look at your spouse and wonder who they are.  Nope.  You want to be able to say, "Finally we have all the time in the world for just the two of us!"  (And then if you're anything like us you'll head straightway for Disneyland.)

The beauty of this is that it's never too late to start making the changes you need to put your spouse first.  Schedule a date.  Send a flirty text.  Make time for each other.  And pretty soon your kids will be in 2nd place.  Right where they belong.

Crying In My Diet Coke

This morning (at the crack of dawn after two hours of sleep) we put our third son, McKay on the plane for his two year mission for our church.  It's one of the most bittersweet experiences of being a parent I think.  You're so grateful for the choices they are making, and yet so sad to see them leaving for two years.  He's headed to the New Hampshire, Manchester mission and we are so excited.  New Hampshire doesn't seem that far, and yet, for two years we will get just one email a week and just two phone calls a year.  In this day and age of constant technology, that's pretty meager.  Done are the days of receiving texts asking if I'll pick up milk, or if he can have money for gas.  I can't just pick up the phone and call him at college or even go down and visit for the weekend.

Yep, it's the worst.  But it's also the best.

It's the best because he's doing good things--difficult things.  And he's doing them because he WANTS to do them now, not just because Mom and Dad expect it.

We have several friends and family who are sending children off to college and missions and I've thought about what advice I would give, now that we've been through both three times.  For what it's worth, this is what I've come up with:

THEY ARE IN A GOOD PLACE

Console yourself with the idea that they are in a good place, moving forward with their lives and becoming the adults you want them to be.  And even though you may be crying in your Diet Coke like me, chances are you're extremely proud of the person they are becoming.

THEY WILL LIKE YOU MORE

It's true!  I mean they love you and all that now, but there is nothing like moving away from home to get them to appreciate all you've done for them for the last two decades.  Seriously--all that laundry you did for them, meals you cooked, and family bonding experiences you made them endure are remembered much more fondly.  This may actually be my favorite part of them leaving...

YOUR NEW NORMAL CAN BE A FANTASTIC NORMAL

While I absolutely miss my kids when they leave home, I also really like it.  That sounds callous but I prefer to be a glass is half full type of gal.  I'm annoying that way.  When one leaves home it changes the dynamics--but I've found it to be really enjoyable.  The kids still at home get a chance to shine a little more, you get to eat out a whole lot more cause it gets way cheaper, and we now fit in a regular size car versus the Morgan Mobile.  Plus when Kennedy, our baby, leaves for college Dave and I are planning to head to Hawaii and lounge on a beach for three weeks where we will go to any restaurant we want (never once stopping at Wendy's), watch whatever we want on the hotel TV and only have to  put sunscreen on each other.  I can't wait.

You know what?  I'm feeling better already.  But first, a nap--that Diet Coke is wearing off...

Why Perfectionism is Killing You

Based on the readership and response I've received from my last post:" B- Parenting: When OK is Good Enough" we are stressed out!  Many of us are stuck in the perfectionism track and it's slowly killing us.  Perfectionism is not simply the quest to do something really well.  Perfectionism involves setting unrelenting high expectations of ourselves and then experiencing feelings of inadequacy and even self loathing when we fail to meet those expectations.While at times that idea can serve us, too often it does not.

You Might Be a Perfectionist If...

In case you are not 100% sure that you suffer from perfectionism here are some examples:

*You have a hard time deciding what to wear every morning.
*You obsessively make lists
*You procrastinate assignments or responsibilities because you are afraid of doing them wrong.
*You are afraid to try new things.
*You cannot delegate or trust others with responsibilities because it won't get done "right."
*You feel a need for constant approval or feedback (earning awards and accolades is almost a necessity)
* You hoard items in case you "someday" need them.
*You post a million "selfies".  (Ok, I don't actually know if that's perfectionism but it's super annoying and at least attention seeking, right?  That can't be healthy.)

And in more serious situations perfectionism can look like:

*Anxiety/panic attacks
*Eating disorders
*Self harm
*Depression

So if we know that perfectionism is harming us, what do we do about it?  I think it starts by giving ourselves permission to be imperfect.  It means saying "it's ok that my house isn't clean all the time" or "I am ok with the idea that my children aren't always going to make the right decisions."  I have a wise husband who talks about "unacceptable verses undesirable outcomes."  I love this concept!  When we finally realize that there are very few outcomes in life that are "unacceptable" that frees us!  It means understanding that while I might not like or desire my child to do poorly in school, it isn't unacceptable.  I mean, really, I don't have a whole lot of control over whether or not my son fails math.  It will have it's own natural consequences so after I've done my due diligence I need to let it go.  (And believe me that has been a lesson LONG in the making for me.)  The world is not going to stop turning if my child fails a class!  Life will go on, and will probably even go on pretty happily.

I'm going to tell you something shocking:  you're not perfect.  You're not going to do everything perfectly and chances are if you DID do everything perfect, if you're a perfectionist you're going to think that it wasn't perfect anyway!  I mean, it's exhausting just typing that!  So why not quit that game before you even start?  Does that mean doing a lackluster job--no.  Does it mean that we're destined for a life of mediocrity?  Of course not.  What it does mean is that we give ourselves permission to try--and then fail.  It means that we recognize the growth that comes from trying, not being perfect at it.  A lack of perfection just means opportunity for change.  It means being kind to ourselves when things don't turn out exactly like we planned.

So in the great words of Idina Menzel, "Let it Go."  (And you're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head all day.)  Let go of the idea that you aren't enough.  Because you are.


*This is a great resource on understanding and treating perfectionism:  Perfectionism in Perspective

B-Parenting: When OK is Good Enough

Recently at a family gathering we coined a new phrase, "B- Parenting."  It's the concept that what we are doing as a parent might not be entirely perfect but it's good enough.  Above average in fact if you consider a C grade as average.  Here's some examples of B- Parenting:

*Brushing off a dropped pacifier and sticking it back in your baby's mouth.
*Plopping your toddler down in front of the Disney channel for three hours because you're at the end of your rope
*Letting your teen sleep till noon every day in the summer because at least they're home, right?
*Allowing your five year old to wear jeans underneath her princess costume which is covered with her winter coat and a tutu because, well, you just want to make it out of the house without a fight.
*The Wendy's drive thru for dinner.  Twice this week.
*Cold cereal the other five nights...
*The living room is clean just in case someone stops by, but the kitchen looks like a bomb went off and for heavens sake, don't go upstairs!
*Admitting to your child's teacher that there is no way you can commit to your child doing their kindergarten homework this year because it's kid number 5, you've got a newborn at home and how important is it to learn to color inside the lines anyway?
*Letting every kid be on a device for a 12 hour road trip because this is the longest stretch of silence you've experienced in the last year and you'll take what you can get.

All of those are examples from my own life.

We could spend a whole lot of time worrying about all the "shoulds" in our life:  I should be cooking nutritious meals every night, I should be reading to my children from great works of literature, I should be able to keep a clean house, I should be more patient, more fun, more like so and so down the street.  Right now I could list off about 15 things that I should be doing at this point in my life, but what if what I'm doing is enough?  What if it's ok that cooking is a challenge for me, my kids dig their socks out of a sock basket (or the dirty clothes on a really bad day) and some of my kids dislike reading?  Isn't it more important that we like being together, they are good examples to their friends and they see that Dave and I trust them to keep the house from falling apart while we go away for the weekend?

Here's the thing--as a parent you have to figure out what is REALLY important.  And that answer can be different for each of us--for each of our children even.  It's easy to look at someone else and thing "what in the heck are they doing?" Or even worse, to think "I should be a better parent like so and so." But it's not really our place to judge--parenting our own children is plenty of work.  Because here's a secret:  most of us, probably even all of us, are B-parents.  And the good news is, that's above average:)