Why Perfectionism is Killing You

Based on the readership and response I've received from my last post:" B- Parenting: When OK is Good Enough" we are stressed out!  Many of us are stuck in the perfectionism track and it's slowly killing us.  Perfectionism is not simply the quest to do something really well.  Perfectionism involves setting unrelenting high expectations of ourselves and then experiencing feelings of inadequacy and even self loathing when we fail to meet those expectations.While at times that idea can serve us, too often it does not.

You Might Be a Perfectionist If...

In case you are not 100% sure that you suffer from perfectionism here are some examples:

*You have a hard time deciding what to wear every morning.
*You obsessively make lists
*You procrastinate assignments or responsibilities because you are afraid of doing them wrong.
*You are afraid to try new things.
*You cannot delegate or trust others with responsibilities because it won't get done "right."
*You feel a need for constant approval or feedback (earning awards and accolades is almost a necessity)
* You hoard items in case you "someday" need them.
*You post a million "selfies".  (Ok, I don't actually know if that's perfectionism but it's super annoying and at least attention seeking, right?  That can't be healthy.)

And in more serious situations perfectionism can look like:

*Anxiety/panic attacks
*Eating disorders
*Self harm
*Depression

So if we know that perfectionism is harming us, what do we do about it?  I think it starts by giving ourselves permission to be imperfect.  It means saying "it's ok that my house isn't clean all the time" or "I am ok with the idea that my children aren't always going to make the right decisions."  I have a wise husband who talks about "unacceptable verses undesirable outcomes."  I love this concept!  When we finally realize that there are very few outcomes in life that are "unacceptable" that frees us!  It means understanding that while I might not like or desire my child to do poorly in school, it isn't unacceptable.  I mean, really, I don't have a whole lot of control over whether or not my son fails math.  It will have it's own natural consequences so after I've done my due diligence I need to let it go.  (And believe me that has been a lesson LONG in the making for me.)  The world is not going to stop turning if my child fails a class!  Life will go on, and will probably even go on pretty happily.

I'm going to tell you something shocking:  you're not perfect.  You're not going to do everything perfectly and chances are if you DID do everything perfect, if you're a perfectionist you're going to think that it wasn't perfect anyway!  I mean, it's exhausting just typing that!  So why not quit that game before you even start?  Does that mean doing a lackluster job--no.  Does it mean that we're destined for a life of mediocrity?  Of course not.  What it does mean is that we give ourselves permission to try--and then fail.  It means that we recognize the growth that comes from trying, not being perfect at it.  A lack of perfection just means opportunity for change.  It means being kind to ourselves when things don't turn out exactly like we planned.

So in the great words of Idina Menzel, "Let it Go."  (And you're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head all day.)  Let go of the idea that you aren't enough.  Because you are.


*This is a great resource on understanding and treating perfectionism:  Perfectionism in Perspective