Dare I say this just might be working?

When you last saw me I was whining (like usual) about my inability to stay on track and get things accomplished.  After all, this is one of the main reasons I started blogging almost a year (a year!) ago.  And then a small miracle occurred this week.  You see most days I feel like one of those hamsters on those wheels that's running and running and never gets anywhere. (At least I assume that's what hamsters do--due to my no pet policy and fear of rodents I'm not entirely sure).  I mean I joke about reading people.com and playing Candy Crush (which by the way if anyone has any genius solutions to get me off of level 169 I am ALL EARS because THIS LEVEL STINKS) and checking Facebook but the honest truth is that most days I rarely just sit around being idle.  It's just that I would feel like I was going and going and yet I  would get to the end of each day wondering what I actually did.

Then came the (smallish) miracle.  Most of you know that I work for Weight Watchers.  It's a great, perfect little part time job and I love the members that I work with.  Overall it's extremely rewarding to be pretty intimately involved with helping people get healthy and achieve their goals.  Anyway, each month we work on a new habit and this month that habit happened to be "take 5 minutes every day to replay your day."  At the same time I stumbled upon this little gem on pinterest:

http://justagirlandherblog.com/how-i-organized-my-whole-life/

For whatever reason this little sheet and those 5 minutes has solved a big part of my problem.  Every night while in bed I pull out my planning sheet from the day and cross off what got done/bought/etc and transfer what I didn't have time for to the next day.  Then I plan out my next day.  Yeah--I know what a lot of you are thinking:  duh.  We know that.  Yeah--I knew that too but for whatever reason all the other things I tried (notes on my iphone, to-do lists, planners, etc) just didn't cut it.  Maybe it's those hypnotic circles at the top of the page but for whatever reason THIS is working!  And that 5 minutes is saving me so much stress and feelings of frustration.

I've learned a couple of things:  First, most days I was trying to cram way too much into my day.  No wonder I was feeling like I needed three more hours every day--I actually did.  Secondly, I'm finding that when I actually schedule the important stuff first like exercise and pinterest (just checking to see if you were paying attention) then I feel much more accomplished every day.

Like I said, a small miracle:-)

Monday Morning

It is a beautiful Monday morning and I have a list a mile long of things to do.  Monday is supposed to be my "day where I accomplish everything" but it rarely works out that way.  Because I get so distracted!  Jeesh!  I have laundry to fold, my room to clean, WW work to do, emails to return and about 10 other things that need to be done.  But I also have a really good book I'm reading, a 1/2 done pinterest project, seeds I want to plant, etc etc.

I'm trying to embrace the fact that I don't get that much done.  It's just that I keep thinking I should be able to get more done.  (Dang it, now I'm back to those shoulds…)  Are there people out there that accomplish their entire "to do" list every day?  Like at the end of the day do they get to put check marks next to all the different items and experience that sense of accomplishment?  I don't even make the lists any more.  If I REALLY need to remember something I write it on my hand and then I give it about a 75% chance that I'm going to get that done.

I'm torn between the idea of embracing my scatter brain personality and wanting to change it.  On one hand, there's the voice of my spin instructor Aras who tells us at the end of every session that if we don't like what we see "CHANGE IT!"  (Side note, Aras refers to his "partner" as his "housewife"?  Am I the only one that has never heard of this in regards to a same sex partner???)

What was I talking about?  Right--my inability to stay on track… So there's a part of me that continues to think I should get my act together.  But then there is the part of me that really wants to go upstairs and snuggle under my comforter and read the rest of "Midnight in Austenland."  It's maddening!

There's gotta be a way to figure this out.  I mean it can't be rocket science right?  Maybe if I spend some time on pinterest I'll find the answer...

Digging in the Dark and Other Adventures

First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to read my last blog post.  It's interesting because that post was viewed 3 times as much as any other one I've done and it was viewed in countries like China and Australia and the UK!  So hopefully it helped someone out.  I know it definitely helped me--it's as if once I got that out I had this burden off my shoulders and now I have all this energy to do all sorts of projects around the house.  Lately I've been like the energizer bunny.

First I decided to tackle that giant hill of sawdust and the big empty spot where the tree in the front yard once stood.  Did I mention we cut it down?  Yep--no more leaves for the neighbors to complain about.  However, I decided to go all renegade and planted a square foot garden in the front yard!  Hee, hee--I wonder what they think of that?  A friend mentioned that I should check out the book "Square Foot Gardening."  It looks like this:

I'm super jazzed about this idea--so jazzed that I made my two flower beds MYSELF!  Yep, that's right!  It went swimmingly but when it came time to mix the secret soil together I started right before dusk which explains why Parker, Kennedy and I were mixing and hauling dirt in the front yard at dark with our main illumination being the headlights of the car.  It seriously looked like we were burying dead bodies.  We are kind of ghetto over here.  We especially looked ghetto with head lamps strapped to our foreheads...

(The neighbor actually came out to see if everything was alright)

Also, I've been painting furniture like crazy!  With this awesome invention that I'm sure most of you know about but I just discovered--Chalk Paint!  It's AMAZING!  If I was one of those super cool crafty bloggers I would insert pictures here of my projects along with step by step instructions.  But I'm not.  So just look up homemade chalk paint recipe on pinterest and be prepared to be amazed.  I was sold at the first sentence that said I didn't need to prime or sand and it's done from start to finish in a day.  (Well it CAN be done in a day if you aren't distracted by things like Candy Crush and Facebook and Survivor.)

So that brings me to my next plan that I need everyone's help with.  When I started this blog part of the reason I did it is to help me be accountable for making some changes in my life and I think more or less that has worked.  I have DEFINITELY rethought how I parent and we made some great changes--and also came to the conclusion in the end that the majority of the time when I trust my instincts I do ok.  What HAS fallen a little by the wayside is my good eating and working out habits--which is ironic given that I work for Weight Watchers I know.  But like I teach in my classes, none of us are perfect and while I do ok at managing my weight (thanks in large part that to keep my job I have to maintain my goal weight) I could improve how I eat and the exercise I get.  Oh--and I'm supposedly running a 1/2 marathon this weekend.  Which I have not trained for.  Yikes.  Actually that's not true.  I decided on Tuesday I better see if it was even possible for me to run farther than 6 miles.  It's possible.  It just aint pretty as is witnessed by the Burgerville guy who kindly offered me some water when I ran into his store at mile 7 looking like a crazed, dehydrated woman who had never run that far before.  Oh wait...

Anyway--so as soon as I get over this stomach virus I have I'm making plans to get myself in order.  I figure that the last year was so tied up in my kids that I can afford a little "me" time.  That doesn't involve so much Baja Fresh.  Curse that delicious Baja Fresh...

You are going to either think more or less of me after this one. And I'm Ok with that:-)

Part One:  My Experience

I have probably thought about writing this post hundreds of times.  In fact, I think it's why I originally started blogging because I knew someday this post needed to be written.  I keep waiting for the perfect time or the perfect way to say what I want to say but I decided tonight that it doesn't matter that I do it perfectly, I just need to do it.  (See, I HAVE learned something in this last year!)

First--an apology, particularly to my friends who are not of my faith.  This post will be a little high LDS context and it would take me forever to give all the background to explain everything but feel free to message me with any questions.  And I understand if you want to quit reading--but I hope you won't because out of all the posts I've done so far, this one comes from the most tender parts of my heart.

Almost 13 months to the day our oldest son came home early from a mission.  He had been called to serve in Madgascar ("I like to move it, move it"--admit it you were singing that in your head right now.)   But two days before he left the Missionary Training Center in Provo it was decided he needed to come home.  It's not my place to air all the gory details but it's enough to say that it was in a large part due to issues with anxiety and depression--issues we had no idea existed.  And frankly, neither did Jordan.  Call it a "perfect storm" if you will, of events.  A whole lot of pressure, unknowns and a few other things thrown in and so we received a call that we needed to come right away to get our son.

I don't think there is any way to adequately explain what we felt.  Honestly, unless you've been thru it you aren't going to understand and for those of you that aren't LDS I think it will be harder.  You see we spend our children's whole lives training them and preparing them to serve a 2 year mission for our church.  We consider it a sacred and holy calling and as parents we feel a great responsibility to prepare them for that--and as a mother of 5 boys I don't have to tell you that that's a whole lot of pressure.  And I wasn't all that worried.  I thought I had it (mostly) figured out and then out of the blue this happens--it's like getting hit by a semi truck.  Like really.  A big, giant semi truck.

To be frank, I could go on for pages about how this affected us.  It is the absolute truth that I have never cried so much in my life.  Or been so angry.  Or so lost.  Or overwhelmed, or insecure, or anxious, or worried, or entirely out of my element.  And you know what?  I realized a few things about myself.  (And here is where there is a good chance you are going to think a lot less of me but I promised honesty in this blog so here it is):

I was judgemental.  And proud.  And naive.  And a whole lot of stupid.

You see, I thought that if you do x,y and z that you were guaranteed a certain outcome.  2+2=4.  Except sometimes it equals -1000.  I thought that if I raised my boys a certain way, and taught them certain things, and went to my church meetings, and said my prayers and served and did my calling and loved my husband and the other thousand things I did "right" that my little life would be pretty close to perfect.  I mean I expected a few hiccups along the way, but not this.  Never this.

And so I'm apologizing publicly to any of you that I judged before.  And I don't think most of the time I was consciously "judging" you.  I really wasn't.  But that doesn't make it right.  I'm sorry that I thought that you must be doing something wrong because you had a bad marriage or wayward children or heck bad hair for that matter!  I was wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

And so even though this last year has been what I call the most terrible of my life, it's also been the most wonderful.  (Funny how trials are like that.)  Because here is what I've learned:

We can change.  We can change!  Through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can be better people and overcome our challenges.  I have more compassion now than ever before.  I judge less and love more. I understand my children better.  (I mean as a whole.  They still have me scratching my head a fair amount of the time.) My husband and I are closer and the changes to Jordan over the last year are remarkable.  I've learned that sometimes we can do almost everything right and things still happen.  And sometimes we screw up and we can fix it.  We can learn more, be better and our capacity for love grows even greater.


Part Two:  Some Advice


Whew!  That was a lot and maybe I should end it here but I do have a few pieces of advice for friends and family who have loved ones dealing with a situation like ours.  You see, one of the hardest things for me with having an early returning missionary is that I felt like nobody understood and nobody really knew what to do--and so I'm going to give you some tips.  Now keep in mind that every situation is different but from my perspective (as well as from the perspective of other moms I've talked with who have dealt with this) here are some suggestions:

1.  Understand that this is HARD for the family experiencing it.  I would treat it like a family experiencing any other tragedy like sickness or job loss.  Send a card, drop a treat by or offer to bring a meal.  (I will be forever grateful to the dear friend who offered to bring us dinner the night after we returned home from picking up our son.  It really meant the world.)

2.  Ignoring it is not the answer.  Trust me.  This makes it worse.  But also--don't ask for the details.  Missionaries come home early for all sorts of reasons:  physical health issues, mental health issues, testimony issues, morality issues and more.  If they want you to  know they will tell you.  And I'm going to get on my soap box and say no reason is better or worse than the other.  We have friends whose children came home for morality issues and I think they should be applauded for having the courage to admit their wrongdoings and work towards getting ready to go back out--all while everyone is watching and judging.  That takes guts.  And while I'm at it don't assume anything.  I had very well meaning people say to me, "I'm sure your son didn't come home for_____."  What if they did?  And now I know that you think that's shameful?  Just say I'm sorry and ask if there is anything you can do.  You can't go wrong with that strategy.

3.  Be sensitive.  The #1 lesson I have learned from this experience is that we ALL have trials and things that are hard in our life.  Lots of times others have no idea.  There are some things like illness or death or job loss that are apparent but there is so much more such as marriage issues, wayward children, addiction, depression and that people quietly suffer with.  I hope that I am more sensitive now to those situations--that I don't go on an on about my great marriage or new car or straight A student (well, first I'd have to get a kid that's one of those but you get the idea).  Because maybe the person I'm talking to doesn't have the same.  And there is another apology I need to make--I've done that and I'm sorry.  I was stupid and naive (see my above list.)

4.  Just love a little more.  Don't judge.  Be kind and don't freak out when someone like me starts bawling uncontrollably when you ask, "how are things?"  Because I just might.  And then I might talk to you non-stop for 45 minutes in the Target baking aisle because I just need to unload for heaven's sake.

My goodness--this is the longest post ever!  (Like really-- I promise to never post something this wordy again).  But like I said, it's been weighing on my mind.  And now that it's done I can go back to my random musings on my losing battle to get organized.  There's always material ripe for the picking on that subject…

Oh--and as for Jordan.  He is doing well!  He returned to the mission field last month to serve in the Illinois, West Chicago mission.  He loves it and feels like it is exactly where he needs to be.  For those of you who would like to be included on his weekly email list please message me or you can follow him on FB.  We predict things will continue to go well and if for some reason they don't--we know that the Lord has a plan for that as well.

                                    Elder Morgan with his companion 

Good night!

UPDATE!!  I can't believe it's been almost two years since I wrote this post!  Jordan successfully completed his mission and flies home in just 6 days!  We are beyond thrilled at the HUGE changes he has made in his life and the young man he has become.  And we can't wait to hug that kid!  If you are interested in coming and hearing him report on his mission he will be speaking at the Hearthwood Bldg at 300 Hearthwood Blvd in Vancouver at 9:00 am on Dec. 13th.

Someone just give me a list!

I was talking with another mom today about how easy it is to get overwhelmed with the "shoulds" in our life--particularly as it relates to being mothers.  We should spend quality time with our kids.  We should teach them to be self reliant.  We should expect them to get good grades.  We should teach them to work hard.  We should teach them to live the gospel.  We should attend all their events.  We should provide for them but at the same time we don't want them to be spoiled brats. We should teach them to be respectful, hold a job, find a spouse and live a good life.  So many shoulds! It's exhausting! My friend and I were commiserating about how guilty we feel when we can't complete all the shoulds and agreed that what we really need is a list of the absolute shoulds.  Like on a scale of 1-10 how does picking up your socks rank compared to "hold a steady job."  Is eye rolling really  an 8 or 9 like it feels when it happens for the 10th time that day or is that maybe less important than "be a contributing member of society?"  How do we figure out what the bare minimum is we need to be doing when the bare minimum feels like a mountain let alone the thousand more "shoulds" that lurk out there?  And then we pile even more guilt on because we make the mistake of looking around and comparing ourselves to others.


I think this comparing is really the heart of the problem.  I've joked in the past about the dangers of pinterest but maybe it's not a joke.  We see these women with these perfectly organized houses and we think that that must carry over into every aspect of their life.  Or we read these cute little blogs and think that these women with their kids in matching outfits and hair bows must not struggle with self esteem issues or a pile of clothes on their tub.  One lady at church once told me that she was envious of my "perfect mormon life" and I actually laughed out loud.  And then told her she was sadly mistaken if she thought my life is perfect.  Don't get me wrong--I have a great life with so many things to be thankful for, but it is in no way perfect.  And it's not meant to be.

Heres the thing:  I don't have a sparkling clean house, a well manicured or landscaped yard, a perfect track record for family scripture study and prayers or a fool proof system for getting my kids to practice the piano.  I don't cook dinner every (alright most) nights, we eat too much junk food, watch too much TV and stay up too late.  When they tell me at church that now I should be figuring out a way for my kids to be involved in family history work it about pushes me over the edge because the thought of adding one more thing to the list of things I should be doing is just too much.  So I decided today that I'm coming up with my own list of "shoulds"--Heather, here you go:

1.  I should be kinder to myself as a mother.  I may not be perfect but I try my best.  There is no such thing as "super mom" and the title of "mostly mediocre mom" is nothing to be ashamed of.
2.  I should cut my kids some slack--it's ok if they roll their eyes once in a while or are grumpy about seminary, or forget to take the trash out.
3.  I should tell my kids I love them and show it with how I talk to them.

And most importantly:

4.  I should make sure that I read my scriptures every day and pray because without God's help everything is so much harder and frankly at times impossible.  I can honestly say that without divine guidance I think I would have literally lost my mind this last year.  And to be quite frank, if I'm in tune with what the Lord wants me to do, then I'll be okay.  And my family will okay.  Not perfect--but okay.

Spinning out of control

Ever since my oldest was born I've had a gym membership.  This is because I subscribe to the philosophy that if I'm paying for it I'll most likely use it and more or less this has worked out over the years.  There was a brief period of time when I bought a treadmill thinking it would be so much easier to work out at home but instead it just became a really ugly clothes rack in the corner of our bedroom--like the precursor to my tub pile.  So a gym membership works better for me.  For years I have belonged to the local 24 Hour Fitness club and because we joined when they first opened we've had this screaming deal of only $99 a year for our membership fees.  However, it's not really a "family" gym so about 6 years ago we joined the local community center for the track, pool, etc.  That has been my preferred work out place because I'm not gonna lie--I feel pretty tough with the mostly elderly clientele that works out in the mornings.  It's pretty chill there and I can pop in, do my work out and get out of there with minimal fuss.  Plus it doesn't matter what you look or dress like.  I mean some of these older folks are working out in jeans.  Jeans!  I don't even know how that is possible.

Anyway, that had been good for a while but as the kids have gotten older I'm really the only one using the membership and it seemed silly to pay $70 a month when I have that sweet deal going on over at 24 Hour so this last month I made the switch and went back to my old stomping grounds.  For the most part it's fine--there's a lot more variety there and way more machines but I have to tell you, I don't feel so tough anymore because I'm not 100% sure but I think I might be the "elderly" of that club.  Like I feel old over there.  I mean twenty something girls show up wearing full makeup and hair extensions--at 9 am in the morning!  That is just WRONG!  Meanwhile I literally look like I just rolled out of bed with my hair pulled back in a pony, headband in and the only makeup gracing my face is the mascara smudged under my eyes from the day before.  Seriously, who goes to they gym looking like they have a hot date???

So, there's that.  Also, at the community center the TVs were all set to things like Animal Planet and Wheel of Fortune reruns but at this gym it's MTV.  And the MTV that is on now is nothing like the MTV I remember.  Like call me crazy but didn't it used to show actual music videos?  Because I don't think it does anymore--now it's just scantily dressed women screaming like banshees and rappers with reality shows that are so ridiculous.  I'm missing those Perry Mason episodes with the geriatric crowd...

The other night I was there and I was so not in the mood to listen to the two girls on the treadmills next to me talk about the problems associated with all night bouts of partying and drinking (all discussed while walking about 2 miles an hour and checking their hair in the mirrors) so I decided to be daring and try my first ever spin class.  I have to say, I kind of enjoyed it--it was a dang good workout and it really made me reflect on life.  See in spin class you ride a stationary bike as an instructor leads the class through different levels.  When you are warming up you keep your bike tension at a lower level like 3-4 and then you begin to go thru different "hills" and "valleys", either ramping up the tension or dialing it back depending on the scenario.  The great thing about it is that nobody knows what your tension is at except you--what may be a 3 for one person could be a 9 for another.  It's up to you to push yourself and then know your limits.

I think life is like that--we are all spinning thru this life and sometimes we get to coast by on a 3 where we aren't breathing hard and are just enjoying the little ride.  And then all at once someone yells "10" and before you know it you're pedaling with all your might, your legs screaming in pain, your head bent down, sweat pouring off you and you can barely breathe.  Do you ever feel like that?  I really have the last little while--in fact I did not fully appreciate my easy "3" time of life until the "10" came along and somedays I feel like it's all I can do to just stay on the bike!  But here's the thing about spin class.  Those hills are dang hard--but they are pretty short and then you get to coast along for a while until the next one comes.  And when the next one comes you can usually push yourself harder because your muscles are warmed up and you're feeling stronger--stronger than you would be had you coasted along at a leisurely pace the whole time and when the hour is up you feel amazing--like you've accomplished something great and maybe made yourself just a teeny bit better in the process.

So that's what I'm working on now--learning to love the hills and appreciate them for what they are:  ways to make us stronger, better people.  Looking back over the last year I've realized that life is not predictable.  We can plan and prepare but we can  be coasting along thinking we have it all under control and someone will come by and ramp up that tension to a 10 and suddenly you're not sure you're going to make it over that hill.  But guess what.  We do.  We will.  And when we do we realize we are so much more capable than we thought we were and not only that, we appreciate the valleys even more now.  At least I do.  Most days:-)

Snowmageddon

"Snowmageddon" is here people.  At least that's what the news is calling it.  Or "Snowpocolypse."  I can't decide which I find most mockable.  Whenever the promise of bad weather hits the northwest the news channels take drama to new heights around here--I remember the "Arctic Blast" a few years ago and a few years before that it was the "Deep Freeze."  It doesn't take much snow for panic to set in here  and I started thinking that there's a chance I might be the news channel of parenting.

Now, if you don't now me that well I will explain that I think that a good percentage of the time I'm pretty chill.  I mean things bug me--but mostly in an annoying yet sometimes hilarious sort of way.  I'm not easily offended, I rarely get really mad and if I do it lasts for like 10 minutes because I hate being mad.  Dave and I rarely disagree because neither one of us likes being disagreeable and if there is any contention our code word is "nice."  As in after a tense few moments one of us will look at the other and say, "nice???"  To which the appropriate response is, "I love…."  (So if you happen to hear this exchange you know that we just experienced our version of a fight.  Now you know all my secrets…)  In addition I prefer to think of myself as a pretty positive person who is not prone to a whole lot of drama.  Except where my children are concerned--more importantly my children's future.

I think this is why the teenage years are throwing me for a bit of a loop.  The child who is getting a couple of bad grades mid semester is going to be a college drop out selling fudgesicles out of an ice cream truck for a living (like the actor who plays Ron in ""Harry Potter"), the one who lives like a slob is going to drive his future wife insane with his pile of clothes and books, and whenever one has a streak of grumpiness I worry that they are going to turn into one of those cranky neighbors that complains to the nice mom with six kids about leaves blowing into her yard.

That's why I'm lucky to have Dave.  He reminds me that the poor student will turn it around (he is) and probably grow up to support us in our old age, the messy one will figure it out when he has a roommate or wife (I hope so for the wife's sake) and the grumpiness is just a phase that most teens go through and does not mean they will turn into curmudgeony old men who shake a fist at the neighbor kids when they ride their bikes in the cul de sac.  (We have some crazy neighbors if you can't tell.)

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't prefer it if we didn't have to hound about grades or cleanliness or put up with the whininess or grunting (again, so much grunting) but I'm also trying to keep a level head about such things because they are short term.  Not to mention the fact that my parenting trials are pretty minor compared to many.  So I'm going to try to quit blowing them up in my mind to the status of "Teenageddon" and instead recognize that it's just a dusting of pre teen/teen angst much like this snow "storm" so far.

Update: I wrote this post when the snow storm was just getting started and I sort of mocked it.  But we did get a good helping of snow and more is on the way today.  I have to say, I'm loving "Snowmageddon" because it's so fun seeing the kids having so much fun together.  Even with the challenges we face as a family we are very blessed that our kids get along very well and genuinely like being together.  And that, is a win in my book.