I was talking with a friend the other night and we were lamenting all of the pressure that comes from those FB posts celebrating achievements. We all do it right? "Hey look at me, I'm on a cruise!" "My kid is awesome--he's a 4.0 student!" It's like those dang Christmas letters--but we get them EVERY DAY! Now, I'm not saying those things are always bad to announce. I mean, they are certainly better than the "woe is me" FB posts. You know what I'm talking about right? Those cryptic, something is wrong, I need attention but I'm not really gonna say what's happening so you are forced to ask me/feel sorry for me status updates. Those make me crazy.
Anyway....my friend and I were discussing how sometimes all those celebratory posts make us feel like we don't measure up which lead me to wonder how many of us are feeling the same way? And wouldn't it be refreshing if we shared what life is really like? (Not woe is me, just real life). So in that spirit I'm sharing some of the facebook status updates I should have posted over the years:
Update:
"I received this call from so and so's kindergarten teacher today: "Hi, Mrs. Morgan. We caught your son with his pants down peeing behind the tree at recess. Could you talk to him and explain that is unacceptable? Oh, and he shouldn't be inviting his friends over to join him."
Update:
"I can tell it's going to be one of those days. The dishes are piled in the sink, my laundry is out of control and the principal just called to tell me that Carter has assembled the 5th grade boys together to protest the unfair treatment of the male gender at recess. Maybe he'll be a politician???"
Update:
"So today has had it's good points and it's not so good points. Dear son is crossing over into scouting today which is great. But the same son also got suspended from 5th grade for the day for getting in a fight. With a girl. The girl won."
Update:
"Another call today--this time from the Vice Principal of the high school. 'Hey Mrs. Morgan? Just thought I'd call and tell you that your son was given in school suspension for hoarding ketchup packets from his school lunch in his locker. I'm not exactly sure what his plan for them was but we are concerned..."
And one of my favorite all time examples of the Morgan's mediocrity:
Update:
"We received this comment on so and so's report card today: "Hopefully the summer will cure you of your laziness."
So there it is. Oh us Morgan's have great things too--graduations and missions and awards and vacations just like everyone else. But most of the time it's just a whole lot of normal, mediocre, less than amazing living. And you know what? It's pretty great.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Happiness--it's a state of mind
I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately. What makes us happy and how do we define happiness? (I'm thinking real happiness not Baja Fresh induced coma happiness.) In reflecting on this I've realized that in the last year or so I think I've misunderstood what happiness is. As moms a lot of our happiness revolves around our children and their state of minds. One mom said someone told her "you're only as happy as your saddest child." Yikes. I heard that and thought I'm not sure I'll ever be happy then. Unless we are at Disneyland. (It is literally "The Happiest Place on Earth." Unless you've been dealing with a toddler in a stroller in the burning up heat for the last 10 hours while "It's a Small World" is blaring at you. Not so happy then...)
Anyway, I've been thinking how easy it is to let our children's moods dictate how happy we are. I know I've been really guilty of this but lately I've realized that it's counter productive. If I have a kid who is moody, me being moody isn't going to help the situation. If I have a child who is tired and upset, me being upset with them isn't making things better. It goes back to that idea of being a constant in their lives. I believe firmly that growing up is hard enough to do without us as parents heaping a whole lot more guilt on them. And yet that doesn't keep me from laying awake at night worrying about all the things I don't do "right." So in that spirit I thought I'd just put it out there--so here it is, my list of things I don't do:
1. Cook. Most nights. There is a just a whole list of complicated reasons why this doesn't get done and I've gone back and forth on beating myself up over them. But honestly, they all manage to get fed--even if it's a smoothie and sandwich. Or a stack of Oreos. Whatever.
2. Have "perfect" family home evenings. We have no cute chart, no singing, and we do it on Sunday night because Monday's just don't work for us. But..we do get together, discuss a gospel principle, read the scriptures and eat a pan of brownies--the same treat we have every FHE. (Refer to #1 above.)
3. Camp as a family. I don't know why but this one sort of haunts me sometimes. We have all these boys and yet we have only camped a few times. This is because I sort of hate it. It's so much work! And I'm extremely picky about the bathroom situation. But I hear these stories of our friends that have these great camping adventures and I feel guilty. Then I realize we just do things differently--we love Disney and we have been fortunate to be able to make numerous trips there. For our kids it's like returning to the cabin by the lake--it's familiar and there are so many great memories we have made there. Also, all the toilets there flush.
4. Have perfect children. Our kids do not get perfect grades, play an instrument perfectly, or act perfect. But they are perfect for us. They are great children who have their own unique talents and personalities and they help us grow as parents.
I will mess up as a parent--we all will. Being a mom (or Dad) is HARD. And if we sit around waiting for all of our ducks to line up in a row to be happy we will never be happy. That's no way to live our lives and so I am working on finding joy in most of the moments of my life. (I say "most" because those of you with teenagers know that there are just some unhappy moments. Usually followed by a hike in car insurance.) I'm learning to see our challenges as ways to be better and have my children grow. I'm looking at difficulties as ways to become more like God--because for heaven's sake look at all his kids! Some of them are "challenging." I'm learning to appreciate all the blessings we have been given--particularly our amazing, imperfect kids.
PS--I LOVE this talk--"Grateful in Any Circumstance." And we love Pres. Uchtdorf. Take a few minutes to read or watch it.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng
Anyway, I've been thinking how easy it is to let our children's moods dictate how happy we are. I know I've been really guilty of this but lately I've realized that it's counter productive. If I have a kid who is moody, me being moody isn't going to help the situation. If I have a child who is tired and upset, me being upset with them isn't making things better. It goes back to that idea of being a constant in their lives. I believe firmly that growing up is hard enough to do without us as parents heaping a whole lot more guilt on them. And yet that doesn't keep me from laying awake at night worrying about all the things I don't do "right." So in that spirit I thought I'd just put it out there--so here it is, my list of things I don't do:
1. Cook. Most nights. There is a just a whole list of complicated reasons why this doesn't get done and I've gone back and forth on beating myself up over them. But honestly, they all manage to get fed--even if it's a smoothie and sandwich. Or a stack of Oreos. Whatever.
2. Have "perfect" family home evenings. We have no cute chart, no singing, and we do it on Sunday night because Monday's just don't work for us. But..we do get together, discuss a gospel principle, read the scriptures and eat a pan of brownies--the same treat we have every FHE. (Refer to #1 above.)
3. Camp as a family. I don't know why but this one sort of haunts me sometimes. We have all these boys and yet we have only camped a few times. This is because I sort of hate it. It's so much work! And I'm extremely picky about the bathroom situation. But I hear these stories of our friends that have these great camping adventures and I feel guilty. Then I realize we just do things differently--we love Disney and we have been fortunate to be able to make numerous trips there. For our kids it's like returning to the cabin by the lake--it's familiar and there are so many great memories we have made there. Also, all the toilets there flush.
4. Have perfect children. Our kids do not get perfect grades, play an instrument perfectly, or act perfect. But they are perfect for us. They are great children who have their own unique talents and personalities and they help us grow as parents.
I will mess up as a parent--we all will. Being a mom (or Dad) is HARD. And if we sit around waiting for all of our ducks to line up in a row to be happy we will never be happy. That's no way to live our lives and so I am working on finding joy in most of the moments of my life. (I say "most" because those of you with teenagers know that there are just some unhappy moments. Usually followed by a hike in car insurance.) I'm learning to see our challenges as ways to be better and have my children grow. I'm looking at difficulties as ways to become more like God--because for heaven's sake look at all his kids! Some of them are "challenging." I'm learning to appreciate all the blessings we have been given--particularly our amazing, imperfect kids.
PS--I LOVE this talk--"Grateful in Any Circumstance." And we love Pres. Uchtdorf. Take a few minutes to read or watch it.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Dare I say this just might be working?
When you last saw me I was whining (like usual) about my inability to stay on track and get things accomplished. After all, this is one of the main reasons I started blogging almost a year (a year!) ago. And then a small miracle occurred this week. You see most days I feel like one of those hamsters on those wheels that's running and running and never gets anywhere. (At least I assume that's what hamsters do--due to my no pet policy and fear of rodents I'm not entirely sure). I mean I joke about reading people.com and playing Candy Crush (which by the way if anyone has any genius solutions to get me off of level 169 I am ALL EARS because THIS LEVEL STINKS) and checking Facebook but the honest truth is that most days I rarely just sit around being idle. It's just that I would feel like I was going and going and yet I would get to the end of each day wondering what I actually did.
Then came the (smallish) miracle. Most of you know that I work for Weight Watchers. It's a great, perfect little part time job and I love the members that I work with. Overall it's extremely rewarding to be pretty intimately involved with helping people get healthy and achieve their goals. Anyway, each month we work on a new habit and this month that habit happened to be "take 5 minutes every day to replay your day." At the same time I stumbled upon this little gem on pinterest:
http://justagirlandherblog.com/how-i-organized-my-whole-life/
For whatever reason this little sheet and those 5 minutes has solved a big part of my problem. Every night while in bed I pull out my planning sheet from the day and cross off what got done/bought/etc and transfer what I didn't have time for to the next day. Then I plan out my next day. Yeah--I know what a lot of you are thinking: duh. We know that. Yeah--I knew that too but for whatever reason all the other things I tried (notes on my iphone, to-do lists, planners, etc) just didn't cut it. Maybe it's those hypnotic circles at the top of the page but for whatever reason THIS is working! And that 5 minutes is saving me so much stress and feelings of frustration.
I've learned a couple of things: First, most days I was trying to cram way too much into my day. No wonder I was feeling like I needed three more hours every day--I actually did. Secondly, I'm finding that when I actually schedule the important stuff first like exercise and pinterest (just checking to see if you were paying attention) then I feel much more accomplished every day.
Like I said, a small miracle:-)
Then came the (smallish) miracle. Most of you know that I work for Weight Watchers. It's a great, perfect little part time job and I love the members that I work with. Overall it's extremely rewarding to be pretty intimately involved with helping people get healthy and achieve their goals. Anyway, each month we work on a new habit and this month that habit happened to be "take 5 minutes every day to replay your day." At the same time I stumbled upon this little gem on pinterest:
http://justagirlandherblog.com/how-i-organized-my-whole-life/
For whatever reason this little sheet and those 5 minutes has solved a big part of my problem. Every night while in bed I pull out my planning sheet from the day and cross off what got done/bought/etc and transfer what I didn't have time for to the next day. Then I plan out my next day. Yeah--I know what a lot of you are thinking: duh. We know that. Yeah--I knew that too but for whatever reason all the other things I tried (notes on my iphone, to-do lists, planners, etc) just didn't cut it. Maybe it's those hypnotic circles at the top of the page but for whatever reason THIS is working! And that 5 minutes is saving me so much stress and feelings of frustration.
I've learned a couple of things: First, most days I was trying to cram way too much into my day. No wonder I was feeling like I needed three more hours every day--I actually did. Secondly, I'm finding that when I actually schedule the important stuff first like exercise and pinterest (just checking to see if you were paying attention) then I feel much more accomplished every day.
Like I said, a small miracle:-)
Monday, April 28, 2014
Monday Morning
It is a beautiful Monday morning and I have a list a mile long of things to do. Monday is supposed to be my "day where I accomplish everything" but it rarely works out that way. Because I get so distracted! Jeesh! I have laundry to fold, my room to clean, WW work to do, emails to return and about 10 other things that need to be done. But I also have a really good book I'm reading, a 1/2 done pinterest project, seeds I want to plant, etc etc.
I'm trying to embrace the fact that I don't get that much done. It's just that I keep thinking I should be able to get more done. (Dang it, now I'm back to those shoulds…) Are there people out there that accomplish their entire "to do" list every day? Like at the end of the day do they get to put check marks next to all the different items and experience that sense of accomplishment? I don't even make the lists any more. If I REALLY need to remember something I write it on my hand and then I give it about a 75% chance that I'm going to get that done.
I'm torn between the idea of embracing my scatter brain personality and wanting to change it. On one hand, there's the voice of my spin instructor Aras who tells us at the end of every session that if we don't like what we see "CHANGE IT!" (Side note, Aras refers to his "partner" as his "housewife"? Am I the only one that has never heard of this in regards to a same sex partner???)
What was I talking about? Right--my inability to stay on track… So there's a part of me that continues to think I should get my act together. But then there is the part of me that really wants to go upstairs and snuggle under my comforter and read the rest of "Midnight in Austenland." It's maddening!
There's gotta be a way to figure this out. I mean it can't be rocket science right? Maybe if I spend some time on pinterest I'll find the answer...
I'm trying to embrace the fact that I don't get that much done. It's just that I keep thinking I should be able to get more done. (Dang it, now I'm back to those shoulds…) Are there people out there that accomplish their entire "to do" list every day? Like at the end of the day do they get to put check marks next to all the different items and experience that sense of accomplishment? I don't even make the lists any more. If I REALLY need to remember something I write it on my hand and then I give it about a 75% chance that I'm going to get that done.
I'm torn between the idea of embracing my scatter brain personality and wanting to change it. On one hand, there's the voice of my spin instructor Aras who tells us at the end of every session that if we don't like what we see "CHANGE IT!" (Side note, Aras refers to his "partner" as his "housewife"? Am I the only one that has never heard of this in regards to a same sex partner???)
What was I talking about? Right--my inability to stay on track… So there's a part of me that continues to think I should get my act together. But then there is the part of me that really wants to go upstairs and snuggle under my comforter and read the rest of "Midnight in Austenland." It's maddening!
There's gotta be a way to figure this out. I mean it can't be rocket science right? Maybe if I spend some time on pinterest I'll find the answer...
Monday, April 14, 2014
Digging in the Dark and Other Adventures
First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to read my last blog post. It's interesting because that post was viewed 3 times as much as any other one I've done and it was viewed in countries like China and Australia and the UK! So hopefully it helped someone out. I know it definitely helped me--it's as if once I got that out I had this burden off my shoulders and now I have all this energy to do all sorts of projects around the house. Lately I've been like the energizer bunny.
First I decided to tackle that giant hill of sawdust and the big empty spot where the tree in the front yard once stood. Did I mention we cut it down? Yep--no more leaves for the neighbors to complain about. However, I decided to go all renegade and planted a square foot garden in the front yard! Hee, hee--I wonder what they think of that? A friend mentioned that I should check out the book "Square Foot Gardening." It looks like this:
First I decided to tackle that giant hill of sawdust and the big empty spot where the tree in the front yard once stood. Did I mention we cut it down? Yep--no more leaves for the neighbors to complain about. However, I decided to go all renegade and planted a square foot garden in the front yard! Hee, hee--I wonder what they think of that? A friend mentioned that I should check out the book "Square Foot Gardening." It looks like this:
I'm super jazzed about this idea--so jazzed that I made my two flower beds MYSELF! Yep, that's right! It went swimmingly but when it came time to mix the secret soil together I started right before dusk which explains why Parker, Kennedy and I were mixing and hauling dirt in the front yard at dark with our main illumination being the headlights of the car. It seriously looked like we were burying dead bodies. We are kind of ghetto over here. We especially looked ghetto with head lamps strapped to our foreheads...
(The neighbor actually came out to see if everything was alright)
Also, I've been painting furniture like crazy! With this awesome invention that I'm sure most of you know about but I just discovered--Chalk Paint! It's AMAZING! If I was one of those super cool crafty bloggers I would insert pictures here of my projects along with step by step instructions. But I'm not. So just look up homemade chalk paint recipe on pinterest and be prepared to be amazed. I was sold at the first sentence that said I didn't need to prime or sand and it's done from start to finish in a day. (Well it CAN be done in a day if you aren't distracted by things like Candy Crush and Facebook and Survivor.)
So that brings me to my next plan that I need everyone's help with. When I started this blog part of the reason I did it is to help me be accountable for making some changes in my life and I think more or less that has worked. I have DEFINITELY rethought how I parent and we made some great changes--and also came to the conclusion in the end that the majority of the time when I trust my instincts I do ok. What HAS fallen a little by the wayside is my good eating and working out habits--which is ironic given that I work for Weight Watchers I know. But like I teach in my classes, none of us are perfect and while I do ok at managing my weight (thanks in large part that to keep my job I have to maintain my goal weight) I could improve how I eat and the exercise I get. Oh--and I'm supposedly running a 1/2 marathon this weekend. Which I have not trained for. Yikes. Actually that's not true. I decided on Tuesday I better see if it was even possible for me to run farther than 6 miles. It's possible. It just aint pretty as is witnessed by the Burgerville guy who kindly offered me some water when I ran into his store at mile 7 looking like a crazed, dehydrated woman who had never run that far before. Oh wait...
Anyway--so as soon as I get over this stomach virus I have I'm making plans to get myself in order. I figure that the last year was so tied up in my kids that I can afford a little "me" time. That doesn't involve so much Baja Fresh. Curse that delicious Baja Fresh...
Monday, March 31, 2014
You are going to either think more or less of me after this one. And I'm Ok with that:-)
Part One: My Experience
I have probably thought about writing this post hundreds of times. In fact, I think it's why I originally started blogging because I knew someday this post needed to be written. I keep waiting for the perfect time or the perfect way to say what I want to say but I decided tonight that it doesn't matter that I do it perfectly, I just need to do it. (See, I HAVE learned something in this last year!)
First--an apology, particularly to my friends who are not of my faith. This post will be a little high LDS context and it would take me forever to give all the background to explain everything but feel free to message me with any questions. And I understand if you want to quit reading--but I hope you won't because out of all the posts I've done so far, this one comes from the most tender parts of my heart.
Almost 13 months to the day our oldest son came home early from a mission. He had been called to serve in Madgascar ("I like to move it, move it"--admit it you were singing that in your head right now.) But two days before he left the Missionary Training Center in Provo it was decided he needed to come home. It's not my place to air all the gory details but it's enough to say that it was in a large part due to issues with anxiety and depression--issues we had no idea existed. And frankly, neither did Jordan. Call it a "perfect storm" if you will, of events. A whole lot of pressure, unknowns and a few other things thrown in and so we received a call that we needed to come right away to get our son.
I don't think there is any way to adequately explain what we felt. Honestly, unless you've been thru it you aren't going to understand and for those of you that aren't LDS I think it will be harder. You see we spend our children's whole lives training them and preparing them to serve a 2 year mission for our church. We consider it a sacred and holy calling and as parents we feel a great responsibility to prepare them for that--and as a mother of 5 boys I don't have to tell you that that's a whole lot of pressure. And I wasn't all that worried. I thought I had it (mostly) figured out and then out of the blue this happens--it's like getting hit by a semi truck. Like really. A big, giant semi truck.
To be frank, I could go on for pages about how this affected us. It is the absolute truth that I have never cried so much in my life. Or been so angry. Or so lost. Or overwhelmed, or insecure, or anxious, or worried, or entirely out of my element. And you know what? I realized a few things about myself. (And here is where there is a good chance you are going to think a lot less of me but I promised honesty in this blog so here it is):
I was judgemental. And proud. And naive. And a whole lot of stupid.
You see, I thought that if you do x,y and z that you were guaranteed a certain outcome. 2+2=4. Except sometimes it equals -1000. I thought that if I raised my boys a certain way, and taught them certain things, and went to my church meetings, and said my prayers and served and did my calling and loved my husband and the other thousand things I did "right" that my little life would be pretty close to perfect. I mean I expected a few hiccups along the way, but not this. Never this.
And so I'm apologizing publicly to any of you that I judged before. And I don't think most of the time I was consciously "judging" you. I really wasn't. But that doesn't make it right. I'm sorry that I thought that you must be doing something wrong because you had a bad marriage or wayward children or heck bad hair for that matter! I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
And so even though this last year has been what I call the most terrible of my life, it's also been the most wonderful. (Funny how trials are like that.) Because here is what I've learned:
We can change. We can change! Through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can be better people and overcome our challenges. I have more compassion now than ever before. I judge less and love more. I understand my children better. (I mean as a whole. They still have me scratching my head a fair amount of the time.) My husband and I are closer and the changes to Jordan over the last year are remarkable. I've learned that sometimes we can do almost everything right and things still happen. And sometimes we screw up and we can fix it. We can learn more, be better and our capacity for love grows even greater.
Part Two: Some Advice
Whew! That was a lot and maybe I should end it here but I do have a few pieces of advice for friends and family who have loved ones dealing with a situation like ours. You see, one of the hardest things for me with having an early returning missionary is that I felt like nobody understood and nobody really knew what to do--and so I'm going to give you some tips. Now keep in mind that every situation is different but from my perspective (as well as from the perspective of other moms I've talked with who have dealt with this) here are some suggestions:
1. Understand that this is HARD for the family experiencing it. I would treat it like a family experiencing any other tragedy like sickness or job loss. Send a card, drop a treat by or offer to bring a meal. (I will be forever grateful to the dear friend who offered to bring us dinner the night after we returned home from picking up our son. It really meant the world.)
2. Ignoring it is not the answer. Trust me. This makes it worse. But also--don't ask for the details. Missionaries come home early for all sorts of reasons: physical health issues, mental health issues, testimony issues, morality issues and more. If they want you to know they will tell you. And I'm going to get on my soap box and say no reason is better or worse than the other. We have friends whose children came home for morality issues and I think they should be applauded for having the courage to admit their wrongdoings and work towards getting ready to go back out--all while everyone is watching and judging. That takes guts. And while I'm at it don't assume anything. I had very well meaning people say to me, "I'm sure your son didn't come home for_____." What if they did? And now I know that you think that's shameful? Just say I'm sorry and ask if there is anything you can do. You can't go wrong with that strategy.
3. Be sensitive. The #1 lesson I have learned from this experience is that we ALL have trials and things that are hard in our life. Lots of times others have no idea. There are some things like illness or death or job loss that are apparent but there is so much more such as marriage issues, wayward children, addiction, depression and that people quietly suffer with. I hope that I am more sensitive now to those situations--that I don't go on an on about my great marriage or new car or straight A student (well, first I'd have to get a kid that's one of those but you get the idea). Because maybe the person I'm talking to doesn't have the same. And there is another apology I need to make--I've done that and I'm sorry. I was stupid and naive (see my above list.)
4. Just love a little more. Don't judge. Be kind and don't freak out when someone like me starts bawling uncontrollably when you ask, "how are things?" Because I just might. And then I might talk to you non-stop for 45 minutes in the Target baking aisle because I just need to unload for heaven's sake.
My goodness--this is the longest post ever! (Like really-- I promise to never post something this wordy again). But like I said, it's been weighing on my mind. And now that it's done I can go back to my random musings on my losing battle to get organized. There's always material ripe for the picking on that subject…
Oh--and as for Jordan. He is doing well! He returned to the mission field last month to serve in the Illinois, West Chicago mission. He loves it and feels like it is exactly where he needs to be. For those of you who would like to be included on his weekly email list please message me or you can follow him on FB. We predict things will continue to go well and if for some reason they don't--we know that the Lord has a plan for that as well.
Elder Morgan with his companion
Good night!
UPDATE!! I can't believe it's been almost two years since I wrote this post! Jordan successfully completed his mission and flies home in just 6 days! We are beyond thrilled at the HUGE changes he has made in his life and the young man he has become. And we can't wait to hug that kid! If you are interested in coming and hearing him report on his mission he will be speaking at the Hearthwood Bldg at 300 Hearthwood Blvd in Vancouver at 9:00 am on Dec. 13th.
I have probably thought about writing this post hundreds of times. In fact, I think it's why I originally started blogging because I knew someday this post needed to be written. I keep waiting for the perfect time or the perfect way to say what I want to say but I decided tonight that it doesn't matter that I do it perfectly, I just need to do it. (See, I HAVE learned something in this last year!)
First--an apology, particularly to my friends who are not of my faith. This post will be a little high LDS context and it would take me forever to give all the background to explain everything but feel free to message me with any questions. And I understand if you want to quit reading--but I hope you won't because out of all the posts I've done so far, this one comes from the most tender parts of my heart.
Almost 13 months to the day our oldest son came home early from a mission. He had been called to serve in Madgascar ("I like to move it, move it"--admit it you were singing that in your head right now.) But two days before he left the Missionary Training Center in Provo it was decided he needed to come home. It's not my place to air all the gory details but it's enough to say that it was in a large part due to issues with anxiety and depression--issues we had no idea existed. And frankly, neither did Jordan. Call it a "perfect storm" if you will, of events. A whole lot of pressure, unknowns and a few other things thrown in and so we received a call that we needed to come right away to get our son.
I don't think there is any way to adequately explain what we felt. Honestly, unless you've been thru it you aren't going to understand and for those of you that aren't LDS I think it will be harder. You see we spend our children's whole lives training them and preparing them to serve a 2 year mission for our church. We consider it a sacred and holy calling and as parents we feel a great responsibility to prepare them for that--and as a mother of 5 boys I don't have to tell you that that's a whole lot of pressure. And I wasn't all that worried. I thought I had it (mostly) figured out and then out of the blue this happens--it's like getting hit by a semi truck. Like really. A big, giant semi truck.
To be frank, I could go on for pages about how this affected us. It is the absolute truth that I have never cried so much in my life. Or been so angry. Or so lost. Or overwhelmed, or insecure, or anxious, or worried, or entirely out of my element. And you know what? I realized a few things about myself. (And here is where there is a good chance you are going to think a lot less of me but I promised honesty in this blog so here it is):
I was judgemental. And proud. And naive. And a whole lot of stupid.
You see, I thought that if you do x,y and z that you were guaranteed a certain outcome. 2+2=4. Except sometimes it equals -1000. I thought that if I raised my boys a certain way, and taught them certain things, and went to my church meetings, and said my prayers and served and did my calling and loved my husband and the other thousand things I did "right" that my little life would be pretty close to perfect. I mean I expected a few hiccups along the way, but not this. Never this.
And so I'm apologizing publicly to any of you that I judged before. And I don't think most of the time I was consciously "judging" you. I really wasn't. But that doesn't make it right. I'm sorry that I thought that you must be doing something wrong because you had a bad marriage or wayward children or heck bad hair for that matter! I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
And so even though this last year has been what I call the most terrible of my life, it's also been the most wonderful. (Funny how trials are like that.) Because here is what I've learned:
We can change. We can change! Through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can be better people and overcome our challenges. I have more compassion now than ever before. I judge less and love more. I understand my children better. (I mean as a whole. They still have me scratching my head a fair amount of the time.) My husband and I are closer and the changes to Jordan over the last year are remarkable. I've learned that sometimes we can do almost everything right and things still happen. And sometimes we screw up and we can fix it. We can learn more, be better and our capacity for love grows even greater.
Part Two: Some Advice
Whew! That was a lot and maybe I should end it here but I do have a few pieces of advice for friends and family who have loved ones dealing with a situation like ours. You see, one of the hardest things for me with having an early returning missionary is that I felt like nobody understood and nobody really knew what to do--and so I'm going to give you some tips. Now keep in mind that every situation is different but from my perspective (as well as from the perspective of other moms I've talked with who have dealt with this) here are some suggestions:
1. Understand that this is HARD for the family experiencing it. I would treat it like a family experiencing any other tragedy like sickness or job loss. Send a card, drop a treat by or offer to bring a meal. (I will be forever grateful to the dear friend who offered to bring us dinner the night after we returned home from picking up our son. It really meant the world.)
2. Ignoring it is not the answer. Trust me. This makes it worse. But also--don't ask for the details. Missionaries come home early for all sorts of reasons: physical health issues, mental health issues, testimony issues, morality issues and more. If they want you to know they will tell you. And I'm going to get on my soap box and say no reason is better or worse than the other. We have friends whose children came home for morality issues and I think they should be applauded for having the courage to admit their wrongdoings and work towards getting ready to go back out--all while everyone is watching and judging. That takes guts. And while I'm at it don't assume anything. I had very well meaning people say to me, "I'm sure your son didn't come home for_____." What if they did? And now I know that you think that's shameful? Just say I'm sorry and ask if there is anything you can do. You can't go wrong with that strategy.
3. Be sensitive. The #1 lesson I have learned from this experience is that we ALL have trials and things that are hard in our life. Lots of times others have no idea. There are some things like illness or death or job loss that are apparent but there is so much more such as marriage issues, wayward children, addiction, depression and that people quietly suffer with. I hope that I am more sensitive now to those situations--that I don't go on an on about my great marriage or new car or straight A student (well, first I'd have to get a kid that's one of those but you get the idea). Because maybe the person I'm talking to doesn't have the same. And there is another apology I need to make--I've done that and I'm sorry. I was stupid and naive (see my above list.)
4. Just love a little more. Don't judge. Be kind and don't freak out when someone like me starts bawling uncontrollably when you ask, "how are things?" Because I just might. And then I might talk to you non-stop for 45 minutes in the Target baking aisle because I just need to unload for heaven's sake.
My goodness--this is the longest post ever! (Like really-- I promise to never post something this wordy again). But like I said, it's been weighing on my mind. And now that it's done I can go back to my random musings on my losing battle to get organized. There's always material ripe for the picking on that subject…
Oh--and as for Jordan. He is doing well! He returned to the mission field last month to serve in the Illinois, West Chicago mission. He loves it and feels like it is exactly where he needs to be. For those of you who would like to be included on his weekly email list please message me or you can follow him on FB. We predict things will continue to go well and if for some reason they don't--we know that the Lord has a plan for that as well.
Elder Morgan with his companion
Good night!
UPDATE!! I can't believe it's been almost two years since I wrote this post! Jordan successfully completed his mission and flies home in just 6 days! We are beyond thrilled at the HUGE changes he has made in his life and the young man he has become. And we can't wait to hug that kid! If you are interested in coming and hearing him report on his mission he will be speaking at the Hearthwood Bldg at 300 Hearthwood Blvd in Vancouver at 9:00 am on Dec. 13th.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Someone just give me a list!
I was talking with another mom today about how easy it is to get overwhelmed with the "shoulds" in our life--particularly as it relates to being mothers. We should spend quality time with our kids. We should teach them to be self reliant. We should expect them to get good grades. We should teach them to work hard. We should teach them to live the gospel. We should attend all their events. We should provide for them but at the same time we don't want them to be spoiled brats. We should teach them to be respectful, hold a job, find a spouse and live a good life. So many shoulds! It's exhausting! My friend and I were commiserating about how guilty we feel when we can't complete all the shoulds and agreed that what we really need is a list of the absolute shoulds. Like on a scale of 1-10 how does picking up your socks rank compared to "hold a steady job." Is eye rolling really an 8 or 9 like it feels when it happens for the 10th time that day or is that maybe less important than "be a contributing member of society?" How do we figure out what the bare minimum is we need to be doing when the bare minimum feels like a mountain let alone the thousand more "shoulds" that lurk out there? And then we pile even more guilt on because we make the mistake of looking around and comparing ourselves to others.
I think this comparing is really the heart of the problem. I've joked in the past about the dangers of pinterest but maybe it's not a joke. We see these women with these perfectly organized houses and we think that that must carry over into every aspect of their life. Or we read these cute little blogs and think that these women with their kids in matching outfits and hair bows must not struggle with self esteem issues or a pile of clothes on their tub. One lady at church once told me that she was envious of my "perfect mormon life" and I actually laughed out loud. And then told her she was sadly mistaken if she thought my life is perfect. Don't get me wrong--I have a great life with so many things to be thankful for, but it is in no way perfect. And it's not meant to be.
Heres the thing: I don't have a sparkling clean house, a well manicured or landscaped yard, a perfect track record for family scripture study and prayers or a fool proof system for getting my kids to practice the piano. I don't cook dinner every (alright most) nights, we eat too much junk food, watch too much TV and stay up too late. When they tell me at church that now I should be figuring out a way for my kids to be involved in family history work it about pushes me over the edge because the thought of adding one more thing to the list of things I should be doing is just too much. So I decided today that I'm coming up with my own list of "shoulds"--Heather, here you go:
1. I should be kinder to myself as a mother. I may not be perfect but I try my best. There is no such thing as "super mom" and the title of "mostly mediocre mom" is nothing to be ashamed of.
2. I should cut my kids some slack--it's ok if they roll their eyes once in a while or are grumpy about seminary, or forget to take the trash out.
3. I should tell my kids I love them and show it with how I talk to them.
And most importantly:
4. I should make sure that I read my scriptures every day and pray because without God's help everything is so much harder and frankly at times impossible. I can honestly say that without divine guidance I think I would have literally lost my mind this last year. And to be quite frank, if I'm in tune with what the Lord wants me to do, then I'll be okay. And my family will okay. Not perfect--but okay.
I think this comparing is really the heart of the problem. I've joked in the past about the dangers of pinterest but maybe it's not a joke. We see these women with these perfectly organized houses and we think that that must carry over into every aspect of their life. Or we read these cute little blogs and think that these women with their kids in matching outfits and hair bows must not struggle with self esteem issues or a pile of clothes on their tub. One lady at church once told me that she was envious of my "perfect mormon life" and I actually laughed out loud. And then told her she was sadly mistaken if she thought my life is perfect. Don't get me wrong--I have a great life with so many things to be thankful for, but it is in no way perfect. And it's not meant to be.
Heres the thing: I don't have a sparkling clean house, a well manicured or landscaped yard, a perfect track record for family scripture study and prayers or a fool proof system for getting my kids to practice the piano. I don't cook dinner every (alright most) nights, we eat too much junk food, watch too much TV and stay up too late. When they tell me at church that now I should be figuring out a way for my kids to be involved in family history work it about pushes me over the edge because the thought of adding one more thing to the list of things I should be doing is just too much. So I decided today that I'm coming up with my own list of "shoulds"--Heather, here you go:
1. I should be kinder to myself as a mother. I may not be perfect but I try my best. There is no such thing as "super mom" and the title of "mostly mediocre mom" is nothing to be ashamed of.
2. I should cut my kids some slack--it's ok if they roll their eyes once in a while or are grumpy about seminary, or forget to take the trash out.
3. I should tell my kids I love them and show it with how I talk to them.
And most importantly:
4. I should make sure that I read my scriptures every day and pray because without God's help everything is so much harder and frankly at times impossible. I can honestly say that without divine guidance I think I would have literally lost my mind this last year. And to be quite frank, if I'm in tune with what the Lord wants me to do, then I'll be okay. And my family will okay. Not perfect--but okay.
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