The #1 Thing That Will Make You A Better Mother

The #1 Thing That Will Make You a Better Mother

I’m going to share with you the best piece of advice my parents gave me.  Just prior to getting married they told me that to be the best mother, I needed to make a weekly date night with my husband a priority.  Luckily, they had set a great example—from the time I can remember they had Friday date night.  Why is this one piece of advice so important?  Because it clearly defined what the most important relationship in my life would be—the relationship with my husband.

I remember as a mother of three young kids, talking about this idea of a weekly date night with a friend.  She disagreed when I told her that being a wife was my first priority.  “No, I WAS a wife, now I’m a mother” is what she said.  Does that ring a bell with anyone?  

Here’s the thing—at the end of the day, it’s going to be me and Dave against the world.  Our kids will grow up and leave.  (They will grow and up and leave, right??)  They will get married and have families of their own and when our last moves out I don’t want to look at Dave and wonder who he is.  Because I’ve seen when that happens and the results aren’t pretty.

So what does a weekly date night DO exactly? 

1.)  It Gives Us A Break From the Demands of Motherhood.  

It is HARD being a mom!  When they are little it’s physically demanding and as they get older it’s more emotionally demanding.  We need a break.  Preferably with dinner out and not returning until the kids are asleep. (Because let’s face it—bedtime, or the “witching hour” as I like to call it, is the most emotionally draining part of our day.)  

2.) It says to our children “I love you, but I love your Dad more.” 

I want my kids to know that my relationship with their father is the most important thing in our lives.  It makes us united, it makes us stronger and it sets an example for our kids to follow.  Just the other night we took five of the kids to the movies and as we filed into the row Dave went first followed by the kids and then myself.  But I noticed that the kids left a seat open next to Dave—for me.  Because they know how we operate.  In it together.  

3.) It Builds Intimacy.

A weekly date gives Dave and I time to remember why we liked each other in the first place.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the drama and chaos of raising kids that we can forget to connect on an emotional, let alone physical, way.  By setting aside at least one night a week, we guarantee we have time for each other.

Now I know there are skeptics.  I’ve heard it all:  “sitters are too expensive,” “my kids need me”, “they won’t behave if I’m not there,” “there’s not enough time.”  Here’s what I have to say to that:  “Baloney!”  There’s nothing more worth your money than this investment in your marriage.  Go without take out one night or a new outfit.  Trade babysitting with a friend or ask a relative.  I promise you, there’s a way to get a sitter.  You’re right—your kids DO need you—just not every second of every day and if you are telling yourself otherwise you are grossly overestimating your importance.  Or using it as an excuse to NOT spend time with your spouse.  As for your kids’ behavior:  they will probably behave better for a sitter than you.  And if they don’t?  So what?  That’s what you pay the sitter for!  Not enough time?  Then you seriously need to reevaluate your life.  Because there’s nothing more important.

I stand by the caption for this blog post.  The #1 thing you can do to be a better mother is a weekly date night.  I dare you to try it.  Call a sitter, go out to dinner and order a Diet Coke in my honor. You won’t be disappointed.

Change is a coming...

“Winds in the east, mist coming in, like somethin’ is brewin’ and bout to begin.”  

—Bert, from Mary Poppins

It’s a season of change here at the Morgan house.  As I type this we are loaded into our 15 passenger van and headed to Utah to drop our 2nd and 3rd son off for their first year of college.  As we piled into this trusty “SIXKIDS” vehicle, Dave remarked that for the next several months it will probably get little to no use outside of the occasional request to drive it for church activities.

We’ve had a lot of adventures in this van.  We brought Kennedy home from the hospital in it, strapped in among her 5 older brothers.  We’ve hauled snare drums and band judges. We’ve driven it to competitions, dance practices, music lessons, back to school shopping outings, family vacations and more scout activities than I can count.

Our family is growing smaller.  Our kids are growing up and doing good things but it’s bitter sweet.  It’s remarkable to see them becoming young adults, but the days of dressing them all in matching shirts for our Disneyland vacations, or sitting around the dinner table together every night are done.  At least for the most part.

And yet, there are great things too.  We aren’t meant to be stagnant.  We are meant to grow and stretch, even if it’s a little bit painful.  I like the idea of looking forward instead of looking back.  Up ahead are daughters in law and grandchildren and one poor son in law who will have to withstand the initiation by 5 brothers.  There are anniversaries and birthdays and graduations.  There are rich conversations and lots of laughter and love.  And blessings.  Lots and lots of blessings.  

Yes, “winds in the east, mist coming in, like somethin’ is brewin’ and bout to begin.”  It’s brewin’ alright- and I don’t doubt it’s going to be an adventure.

MOTHERHOOD--"Don't Wish It Away!"

The days can be long when you are a mom of young kids.  Diapers to change, mouths to feed, messes to clean up, and so on.  It’s draining having practically no time to yourself—“can I just go to the bathroom in peace!”  If you stay at home your adult interaction is limited to talking back to Steve on “Blues Clues” or chatting up the UPS driver because you’re starved for grown up talk.  And wherever you go you must bring 2 or 3 or in my case, 6, small children with you.  I would love to tell you that’s fun.  I would be lying if I did.

I have a vivid memory of a winter night when we were a young married couple with two children.  Dave and I were wanting a Ben and Jerry’s fix and so Dave was heading out the door to run to the store. I remember thinking, “it seems like it will be forever until Dave and I can just jump in the car and head out for a date whenever we want.”

Guess what?  Forever is here.  And it came really, really, really fast.  

One of my sons who is is on a mission for our church said there is a saying in the mission field:  “The days are long but the months are short.”  I think that describes parenthood.  When I was a mom of 6 little kids the days were so long.  And draining.  And often times a little boring.  Of course they were rewarding and tender and filled with love too.  But when I look back, the months (and years) are so short!

In 48 hours we will be welcoming Carter home from his 2 year mission to Brazil.  Our oldest son is finishing up his last five months of his mission in Chicago.  Mckay is headed to BYU in the fall which leaves us with just three teenagers at home.

This time in our life is marvelous, and crazy busy and really really difficult at times.  I’m no longer changing diapers (I think I would seriously vomit if I had to now.  What is it about being a young mom that gives you an iron stomach?)  I don’t have to wipe faces or entertain little ones and yes, I do get to go to the bathroom in peace,.  And the best thing about this stage of life?  I get to go out with my husband pretty much whenever I want!  I think we had 4 lunch dates just last week!  

Each stage of our life is precious if we recognize it for what it is.  We can’t wish away where we are at, and we can’t spend all of our time living in the past.  Instead true joy comes in the now.  The sticky kisses.  The snuggles on the couch.  The “I love you” when your teen heads out the door.  The thrill of seeing a son return home from a two year life of service.  

So live in the now, people.  Live in the now.

Choosing the Difficult Path--Our Journey Over A Mountain

Have you ever wondered if it's really necessary to make ourselves do difficult things?  Have you ever thought that the easy way is the better way?  Have you tried to shield your children from life's challenges?  I have--lots of times.  This last week I gained a new perspective on why it's so important to do hard things.

Our family was blessed to all be involved in our youth "Trek" for our church.  For three days the youth in our congregation gathered together for a journey that covered over 26 miles--nearly 9 of them up and over a mountain as they pulled a traditional pioneer handcart loaded with their supplies.  I'll let you in on a little secret:  I hate camping.  Like so, so, much.  I don't like sleeping under the stars with not even a tent to zip up to keep the bugs at bay.  I don't like going 4 days without a shower (remember how vain I am?) And I really, really, really HATE using a porta potty.  The only thing worse is going in the woods--which I did for the first time in my 43 years of living.  (TMI?)

(That's my Davis in the front, middle).

So, if I hate camping and the great outdoors so much, why do I love Trek?  Because it teaches us to do hard things.  And this was hard.  I've been on treks before and they were challenging.  This was beyond challenging.  I don't even know that I have words to adequately describe it, but I'll try.  For this adventure the youth, ages 12-18 are divided into "families" with each family having a Ma and Pa.  Four families make up a "company" and Dave and I were captains of a company. We got a front row seat to the adventure and it was priceless.  On the day of the handcart portion of the trek, the youth donned pioneer clothes and then walked over 5 miles to where their handcarts were parked.  From there they loaded all of their gear and we set out for what would turn out to be an 8.5 mile journey up and over a mountain on logging roads.  There were hills--so, so many hills and pulling the handcarts for over 8 hours up and over those hills pushed these kids to the max.  Some broke down.  Some cried.  Blisters and sunburns were a common theme.  And yet, they did it.  Working together they did what they thought was impossible.  And they did it with patience and love for one another.  They encouraged each other, they prayed together and they all contributed.  At times Dave and I had to help them and often we became emotional watching them struggle.  As we arrived in camp that night the sense of accomplishment was astonishing.

And the next day?  We hiked 12 miles over various terrain in the sun.  For some youth this was easier--for others, they wanted to give up.  But along the way, friends, "parents" and leaders stepped in to offer support.  For the last several miles I hiked with a girl on each arm and one holding onto my backpack because together we were stronger than alone.

These kids will probably never have to physically work this hard again.  They most likely won't be asked to hike 26 miles up and over a mountain while pulling a hand cart.  But they will have challenges in their life that they will want to run away from.  Or avoid.  Or give up on.  And now they know that they have it in them to face them head on and prevail.  As a parent, it is excruciating at times to watch your children experience difficult things.  We want to rescue.  We want to alleviate.  But sometimes the best thing we can do is allow them to endure it.  And when they do, they will come over that mountain stronger than they ever thought they were.

(See that mountain waaay in the distance?  That's what we hiked up and over to get to the beach.)

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE REWARDS YOU HAVE SEEN FROM LETTING YOUR CHILDREN DO DIFFICULT THINGS?  PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW

PUSH UPS AND PARENTING: HOW THEY RELATE

PUSH UPS AND PARENTING:  HOW THEY RELATE

I hate push ups.  So.So.Much.  Recently, my totally awesome and amazing friend, Kelly put together a 5 day work out plan to get me in shape.  (Here is where I would “hashtag” Kelly if I actually knew how hashtags work.  I need lessons from my 16 year old— or the neighbor’s cat.  I think I’m like the only one who doesn’t get them.)  ANYWAY, these work outs are kicking by rear end.  I thought I was doing reasonably hard work-outs before.  I was wrong.  So wrong.  This morning I was doing a new one and on my list was the exercise that I hate the most—push ups. Did I mention that I hate them?  Because I do.  A lot.  They are difficult and uncomfortable and I look ridiculous while I am doing them.  Yet as I was working through my third (THIRD!) set of them this morning, I realized that push ups and parenting have three things in common.

CONSISTENCY:
You are not going to make much progress doing one push up.  Or even doing one set of push ups once. No, you have to do multiple reps, multiple times, and multiple days a week.  For like the rest of your life. Sound familiar?  We can’t make our kids do their chores once and expect to see long term results.  (And believe me, I’ve tried!).  They have to do it over, and over, and over again.  We can’t just take them to church once and expect the lessons there to stick.  We have to do it over and over again until hopefully one day they are doing it for themselves.  If we want to see real progress—with push ups or parenting, we must be consistent.

DIFFICULTY:
Remember how I said push ups are hard?  Being a parent is hard.  Some days I don’t want to get out of bed and face it—just like those pesky push ups.  It would be easier to throw some Cheerios and goldfish at them and curl up with a good book—or an episode of Hoarders.  And every once in a while we do that—but it’s not going to get us the end result we want.  Nope, you’ve got to get up and face those little (or big) lovable monsters because the only way you are going to get better and more confident at this is by practicing and facing that it’s hard—but it’s worth it.

PAY OFF:
If I stick with the push-ups, eventually I AM going to be better at them.  Who knows, I might even graduate to the non-granny, actual real deal variety of push ups.  (As opposed to my current level which means when I attempt a “real” push up I easily can handle the “push” part of the exercise but it’s the “up” part that is lacking.) Somedays being a parent is like that.  When you are in the day to day thick of it, you don’t always see what the end result is going to be.  But I promise that the more you flex those parenting muscles.  The more you practice, refine, and improve, the easier it will be and the more successful you will feel.

Parenting is no picnic, but the rewards are going to far outweigh the heartbreak.  IF we have the right attitude.  And if we realize that it is ok to think that it’s hard and we aren’t going to be perfect.  We just have to keep plodding along granny push up style until one day, you’ll stop for a minute and realize you nailed it—real push up style.

THREE MAGICAL TOOLS TO ORGANIZE YOUR LIFE

THREE MAGICAL TOOLS TO ORGANIZE YOUR LIFE

Well, I can't believe it but it's been just a little over two years since I started this crazy blog.  In the spirit of this two year anniversary, I thought I'd share my top three resources for organizing my scattered brain/life:


THE CLUTTER:

Salvation in the quest to remove clutter arrived early this year with the eye opening read:

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing 

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

I did a previous blog post about this and if you have not yet read the book--READ IT!  I'm telling you, this one was a game changer for me.  I gave away truckloads of stuff and it's made managing the daily cleaning around this joint tons easier.  The book does have a little bit of a quirky perspective (I'm not so sure my pantyhose need a rest from their labors each day) but the method is a winner in my book. Is my house all bare and tidy all the time?  No--but I no longer have 4 identical gray cardigans and 7 matching paint rollers.  We have a whole lot less stuff and what we do have cleans up much more quickly.  The biggest thing to come out of it?  My tub is clothes free!

MY SCATTERED BRAIN:

Several months ago I referenced a new organization system I was using.  It's called "Mind Organization for Moms" and info can be found here:

https://hm156.infusionsoft.com/app/storeFront/showProductDetail?productId=1

This system is based on the book:

"Getting Things Done:  The Art of Stress Free Productivity" by David Allen

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743571657/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=35055104244&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13525329193197806&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_9jf0nyvj1c_b

Fantastic read.  My mind was a scattered mess people!  My inbox had THOUSANDS of emails that needed to be sorted/dealt with,  I had stacks of papers, notes, and folders, and I couldn't keep it all straight.  There's a lot of good stuff in this book but if I had to pick two things that have made the biggest different it's this:

1.  Getting everything that is "in" my brain "out" of my brain

2.  Conducting a "weekly review"

Ever had that sneaking suspicion that you were missing something important but you just didn't know what?  I was feeling like that EVERY day!  I went to bed feeling behind and woke up feeling behind.  If Dave would suggest that I relax or take a nap I'd tell him, "I can't--I have so much to do!'  But when he'd ask what I had to do I never knew.  I just knew it was a lot!  By implementing just the two strategies listed above I feel loads better and am more productive than I've ever been.

LEARNING TO SAY NO:

Do you have a hard time saying no?  Do you look at situations and say, "I can help!"  Do you feel the responsibility to pitch in--all the time?  And then do you find yourself overwhelmed--a jack of all trades, but master of none?  Welcome to my world, people.  Welcome.To.My.World.

Until I stumbled on this little gem:

"Essentialism:  The Disciplined Pursuit of Less" by Greg McKeown

http://www.amazon.com/Essentialism-The-Disciplined-Pursuit-Less/dp/0804137382

If you only have time to read one of these books, this is the one.  It's caused me to look at the things I'm involved in and view them through a different lens.  In the process of doing that I find that I can focus more easily on my strengths and be more productive over all.  In a society that is always telling us to get more, do more, be more, it's easy to get overwhelmed.  This book puts life in perspective and has allowed me to begin to really concentrate on what matters most.  Just because I can do something, doesn't mean I should do something.

So if you're feeling overwhelmed and scatter brained, welcome to motherhood! In the meantime, maybe my personal magical tools can help. 

"Keep Your Heels, Head, and Standards High"

Do you ever feel like your self worth is in the toilet?  How can we increase our own self worth when we live in a society that seems to tear it down so frequently? These are questions that I have pondered over the last couple of weeks as I prepared to speak to a group of girls and women on the topic, “Keeping Your Heels, Heads, and Standards High.” After much thought I believe the answer lies in this phrase, recited each week in the Young Women’s meetings throughout the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints:

“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father Who Loves Us and We Love Him”

When we really understand this and come to believe it 2 things will happen:

1. Our self worth will increase

2. Our desire to be like Him will increase (which will in turn increase our sense of self worth)

As girls and women we are hard on ourselves! We feel guilty too often, we compare too frequently and we feel like we don’t measure up much of the time. I am surrounded by 8 sisters in law and 2 sisters who are enormously talented. One is an amazing photographer. Some are super talented and creative. Others have patience far beyond mine. One speaks a number of foreign languages and another is an amazing mother to a son with significant physical handicaps. I have a mother in law who keeps a spotless house and my own mother can sew anything, including my wedding dress which was a ginormous creation straight out of the early 90’s, with big sleeves, a giant bow and enough pearls and sequins to blind you.

If I wasn’t careful I could easily feel like I don’t measure up.  The only foreign language I speak is Dave's middle of the night nonsense talk and we all know I'm not going to get the "Good Housekeeping Award" anytime soon.  But guess what?  I know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me. Little old me! I think about each of my six children with all of their different talents and abilities and we are no different in the site of our Father in Heaven. As women we aren’t all meant to be the same—how boring would life be if we were? (Like really--how many Kristyn's do you want running around this world?  The sock piles would be enormous.)

In the October 2014 General Conference, Pres. Uchtdorf (an apostle of the Lord) said this:

“He sees you clearly--He knows you as you really are. And He loves you--today and always! Do you suppose it matters to our Heavenly Father whether your makeup, clothes, hair, and nails are perfect? Do you think your value to Him changes based on how many followers you have on Instagram or Pinterest? Do you think He wants you to worry or get depressed if some un-friend or un-follow you on Facebook or Twitter? Do you think outward attractiveness, your dress size, or popularity make the slightest difference in your worth to the One who created the universe?”

When we recognize our role as a daughter of God, our self worth can’t help but to increase, and as we begin to understand who we are, our desire to follow His path will increase—even when the world may tell us otherwise.

Now, more than ever we women must be an example of who the Lord knows we are—His daughters. We must, in essence, act as a daughter of God would act.

Former Young Women general president Margaret D. Nadauld taught:

“The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.”

I fear that as women we are losing site of what it means to be a true daughter of God and by doing so, our own self worth is diminishing rapidly. It’s not easy to stand up for what we believe is right. It’s rarely popular, particularly if social media is to be any sort of measuring stick. Just in this last week I have seen several FB posts that have caused me to pause (ok--really they just riled me up) and consider that my morals and views seem to be going against the grain of society. Modesty, clean language, the divine role of motherhood, treating our spouses with respect and more seem to be viewed as unnecessary, old fashioned or intolerant. And all the while we wonder why we are unhappy?

I believe the answer to happiness can be found in returning to a virtuous life. I recognize that this might not be a popular idea but I absolutely believe that a virtuous life builds our confidence and will lead to powerful women with a increased self worth. Women, let’s have the confidence to act as God would have us act, to understand our worth as His daughter and to join the call for a return to virtue.