B-Parenting: When OK is Good Enough

Recently at a family gathering we coined a new phrase, "B- Parenting."  It's the concept that what we are doing as a parent might not be entirely perfect but it's good enough.  Above average in fact if you consider a C grade as average.  Here's some examples of B- Parenting:

*Brushing off a dropped pacifier and sticking it back in your baby's mouth.
*Plopping your toddler down in front of the Disney channel for three hours because you're at the end of your rope
*Letting your teen sleep till noon every day in the summer because at least they're home, right?
*Allowing your five year old to wear jeans underneath her princess costume which is covered with her winter coat and a tutu because, well, you just want to make it out of the house without a fight.
*The Wendy's drive thru for dinner.  Twice this week.
*Cold cereal the other five nights...
*The living room is clean just in case someone stops by, but the kitchen looks like a bomb went off and for heavens sake, don't go upstairs!
*Admitting to your child's teacher that there is no way you can commit to your child doing their kindergarten homework this year because it's kid number 5, you've got a newborn at home and how important is it to learn to color inside the lines anyway?
*Letting every kid be on a device for a 12 hour road trip because this is the longest stretch of silence you've experienced in the last year and you'll take what you can get.

All of those are examples from my own life.

We could spend a whole lot of time worrying about all the "shoulds" in our life:  I should be cooking nutritious meals every night, I should be reading to my children from great works of literature, I should be able to keep a clean house, I should be more patient, more fun, more like so and so down the street.  Right now I could list off about 15 things that I should be doing at this point in my life, but what if what I'm doing is enough?  What if it's ok that cooking is a challenge for me, my kids dig their socks out of a sock basket (or the dirty clothes on a really bad day) and some of my kids dislike reading?  Isn't it more important that we like being together, they are good examples to their friends and they see that Dave and I trust them to keep the house from falling apart while we go away for the weekend?

Here's the thing--as a parent you have to figure out what is REALLY important.  And that answer can be different for each of us--for each of our children even.  It's easy to look at someone else and thing "what in the heck are they doing?" Or even worse, to think "I should be a better parent like so and so." But it's not really our place to judge--parenting our own children is plenty of work.  Because here's a secret:  most of us, probably even all of us, are B-parents.  And the good news is, that's above average:)

5 Steps To A Healthy Marriage

Dave and I are approaching our 25th wedding anniversary!  25 years!!  It seems like such a short time ago we were living in Provo in our tiny run down basement apartment.  This last week we had the privilege of spending time with our entire family, including our son and daughter in law who were married just last month.  (And who were probably completely mortified that they had to share a hotel room with their parents, but handled it with grace.) As I watched them and reflected on the last 25 years of my own marriage I came up with five steps to a healthy marriage:

1.  SPEAK KINDLY

You would think this would go without saying but I can't tell you how many couples we have been around that seem to have missed this memo.  Yelling, arguing, belittling, and sarcasm have no place in a marriage.  I try to always remember this: " If I was being talked to the way I am talking to my spouse at this moment, how would I feel? "  If the answer is discouraged, angry, belittled or demeaned, then I know I need to change how I'm speaking.  I'm telling you--this one strategy can be a game changer.

2.  DATE WEEKLY

I did a previous blog post on this concept and you can read it here:  http://morganhouseofmystery.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-1-thing-that-will-make-you-better.html

The bottom line is that a weekly date means you value your relationship with your spouse and that they are a priority.  It doesn't have to be a big production--most of our dates involve dinner and shopping at Target--but it should happen every week.  And I can already hear the excuses:  "We don't have money, we don't have a sitter, our lives are too busy, I don't want to be away from the baby/children/dog"...I don't care.  You need to date every week.  The end.

3.  GET AWAY FOR A WEEKEND AT LEAST TWICE A YEAR

Yeah, yeah, yeah--you are coming up with more excuses at this moment.  Again, I don't care.  If your marriage is a priority you will figure out a way to make it happen.  Money is an issue?  Forego other luxuries and save for the next 6 months.  No sitters?  Surely you have some friends somewhere??  If not, you better start making some quick!  If the friends can't watch the kids, they probably know a good reliable older teenager or young adult that can handle your kids for a night or two.  I'll be honest, this was a step that we didn't figure out until about 10 years into our marriage but when we did, we never looked back.  All those benefits that come from a weekly date are compounded when you have a weekend get away.  It's a time to recharge, reconnect and build intimacy which brings me to step 4:

4.  PHYSICAL INTIMACY

I'm just going to say it--sex is pretty dang important in marriage.  I've heard of people that outside of creating children don't have sex.  I'm going to be blunt--I think that's wrong.  And also probably leads to some really frustrated individuals.  (Or a heck of a lot of children...) Being physically intimate shows you love your spouse and you want to be close to them.  It means you understand that you each have physical needs and you work together to figure out the best way to meet those needs.  Again--I can hear the excuses:  "I don't feel attractive, we are too busy, the kids are at home." If you don't feel attractive, figure out something that will make you feel sexy.  If you're too busy, schedule it.   If the kids are home, lock the bedroom door.  (We take a lot of "naps" in our house.) I'm perfectly comfortable telling you that we actually schedule our sex life (with room for spontaneity).  Navigating the waters of your physical relationship brings you closer together, which leads to the final step:

5.  EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

I could go on and on about this final step.  (Even more than I could go on about step #4).  Emotional intimacy means being able to share your thoughts, dreams, concerns, and basically everything with your spouse.  It means making yourself vulnerable and taking emotional risks.  It means practicing whole hearted listening and it means practicing that on a daily basis.  Have you seen couples that basically live in the same house but have no real relationship?  That's because they haven't developed emotional intimacy.  I can honestly say that Dave is my best friend and biggest confidant.  This didn't happen overnight, but over time because we have made it a priority.  If your child/mother/sister/friend is ranked as your #1 personal confident, you have work to do on being emotionally intimate with your spouse.  Start today--you'll thank me later.

I firmly believe that our relationship with our spouse is the single most important relationship we can have on this earth.  The question to ask yourself is "are the things I'm doing now in my marriage reflecting that?"  If not, it's not too late.  Start now!

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Daring to Dream

Does fear ever hold you back from what you really want to do?

Dave and I are getting old.  Ok not old, but definitely old-er. (Like some things are sagging that weren't a few years ago old, but we're not so old that we've started eating dinner at 3:30 pm).  Five years from now our youngest will be out of the house and when I think about five years ago it seems like yesterday.  So these next few years are going to fly by and then what?  What do I really want to do with my life--with "our" life.  Like if money were no object and we could just chase our dreams, what would that be?  And when I think of it that way, it's easy--write and speak at events with Dave.

We've been lucky to have been asked to speak together a few times recently and we loved it.  We are no experts, well Dave is an expert, but I'm not. (Unless you count unearthing teenager's lies or finding really good deals on used furniture as being an "expert).  But I keep thinking we have something to contribute--that there is a higher purpose out there for the use of our talents.

So I think we're doing it.  Dave is in the process of publishing a book.  We have our blogs which before too long will probably be condensed into one blog that features both of us.  I think a podcast is in our near future.  (Ya hear that Richie??) Maybe nobody will listen, hopefully some will.  But if we don't start, we'll never know.

Here's to a scary, vulnerable, "Dave and Kristyn Adventure".  We hope you tune in, but even if you don't, at least we tried.

QUESTION:  What topics would you like to see covered on a "Morgan Life Advice" podcast or blog post?

My Salute to the "Average" not "Exceptional" Graduate

Well it's that time of the year when all the parents start posting all the GREAT things their graduating kids are doing.  End of the year concerts complete with solos, graduating at the top of the class, college scholarships, manning a flight to the moon.  (Ok maybe not that one.)  I'm guilty of it too.  Totally and completely guilty.  I'm not knocking all those great achievements ( I mean props to them for all their hard work) but lately I've been thinking about the "other" kids.

What about the the straight C student who has a learning disability but shows up on time for class every day?  What about the girl who sits in the back of the classroom and quietly does her work but the teacher (or the kids for that matter) don't hardly know her name?  What about the third chair trumpet player who is never going to be awarded "outstanding musician" their senior year but who practices all the same and shows up early to set up for their concert where they will never get a solo?  What about the boy who will always be in the chorus, but never the star of the school musical or the teen who isn't able to do any extra curriculars because they have to babysit their younger siblings?

What about all the kids that because of lack of money or parent involvement or both will never be the "star" because they can't afford private lessons or tutors or "select" sports teams?

What about them?

To them I say--you're the real stars.  Because you are learning that life isn't about how many awards you can rack up.  It's not about what others think of you or what people say about you.  It's not about the type of home you live in, the pile of graduation cords you'll wear, the stars next to your name on the program of whatever concert/play/recital you are currently in.

Sure, those things are nice.  Very nice in fact.  But I'll let you in on a little secret.  Those things go away eventually.  I can't remember the last time someone wanted to know if I was a cheerleader in high school.  Or asked me my GPA or my ACT scores.  My husband was the lead in his high school's production of "The Wiz" but I haven't seen him signing any autographs lately.  I'm pretty sure when I was neck deep in the "joys" of stay at home motherhood and changing my umpteenth diaper my two year old was not impressed that I was crowned Freshman Homecoming Princess.  Nope.  He just asked to watch Barney and threw up on me.

So to all you average, run of the mill, mediocre graduates I say, "Congrats."  You have weathered the high school storm and you are going to do just fine.  Just fine.

WHAT THIS SECTIONAL TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIFE

A few months ago I stumbled upon the deal of a lifetime.  Dave and I had pulled up to the local Goodwill to drop some things off and sitting at the curb was this big beautiful sectional.

It looked fantastic, was exactly what I had been hoping to get for the family room, but we were in a hurry and so we left it there.  However I got home and could not stop thinking about it so a few hours later I headed back there to see if it was for sale.  After talking to the store manager and getting her to let me see it (it was headed out to the warehouse) she told me she would let me have it for the whopping price of $49.99!  It was meant to be!  This thing was beautiful and EXACTLY what I was looking for!  At least I thought it was...

We loaded it up, brought it home and after hauling our old furniture out to the garage and this baby in we settled down to enjoy the new luxury.  And all was well until we got up off the couch--covered in dog hair.  Yikes.  "No big deal," I thought, "I'll just get a lint roller and run it over this couch and all will be well."  After all, you couldn't see the hair at all on the couch, how much could there be?  Well, as it turns out, a whole lot.  

But it got me thinking.  Aren't our lives like that?  On the outside we may look polished and clean and pretty much perfect.  We come into church in our Sunday best or post happy family pictures in front of the Disneyland castle, or our children making the honor roll.  And those are all true--those are all great things.  But what others don't see are the anxieties, concerns, frustrations and trials that life brings.  Because they are there, just under the surface and if we took a lint roller (so to speak) to any of our lives they would be apparent.  

Sometimes I think that if we all were a little more transparent about the hidden "dog hair" of our lives, we wouldn't feel so surprised when the trials come.  We wouldn't waste time comparing ourselves to our neighbors but instead we would recognize it for what it is--real life.  And maybe, we'd all feel a little better.

MOTHERHOOD 101: THREE STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE RESILIENT

MOTHERHOOD 101:  THREE STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE RESILIENT

How do we raise resilient children?  How do we teach them how to deal with anxiety and stress in an anxious and stressful world?  As I've pondered my own experiences I've come up with three strategies that I believe builds resilience.

1.  LET THEM FAIL:  I know, it goes agains every fiber of our mothering beings to allow our kids to blow it.  I think for a better part of my parenting years I've walked behind my children with an imaginary wheelbarrow trying to prevent the falls.  But it's in the failure that resilience is made.  I read once that we should actually give our kids tasks that we know they won't be able to accomplish the first time.  Madness, I thought!  But then I realized the value.  It's when our children learn to pick themselves up and that not succeeding at something is ok that they develop the ability to handle difficult things.

2.  ALLOW FOR MEDIOCRITY:  I think there is an epidemic of parents who think their children should be the best at everything.  Straight A's, class president, lead in the play, star soccer player, favorite of every teacher, friend to all.  Here's the thing--that's not going not happen.  And if it is happening, chances are that's not such a healthy thing.  When our children feel that they have to perform at the top level in everything they undertake, or need constant praise or awards we are setting them up for a really hard fall down the road.  Because I hate to break it to you but your children aren't the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most talented in all the land.  Neither are mine.  And that's ok.

3.  ACCEPT THEY WILL MAKE MISTAKES:  I used to believe that if I just taught my children correct principles and told them how to do everything then I could save them from a lot of grief and pain.  (Naive, I now realize.) Here's the thing--our kids need to make mistakes and more importantly, they need to know that we understand that.  We were not meant to be on this earth to do things perfectly.  In fact, I think it's the opposite.  We were put here to figure out how to pick ourselves up when we fall and make ourselves better.  If we are the type of parents that so closely monitors everything our child does so that they WON'T fail we are in fact, failing as a parent.  I make mistakes, you make mistakes, and our kids need to know that they will make mistakes, and that we are ok with that.

As a parent I want my children to succeed and be happy.  I used to think that meant having them do everything "right" but I've come to believe that's not the case.  The growth comes from accepting that we won't do everything perfectly but that we aren't meant to.  It's in the failures and mistakes that resilience is born.

Today I Will Find Joy

Today I will find joy.  Today I will count my blessings, smile more, appreciate all that is right in my world.  I don't know about you, but lately I've been finding myself worrying too much.  Like Olympic size worrying.  Are my children happy? Will they turn in their homework, will they make good choices, find good friends, learn to iron, for heaven's sake?

Will Dave hear soon about his book, will planning a wedding (!) stress me out, will I be a good booster president/wife/mother/servant of the Lord???  Will my new diet and exercise plan get results, will I learn to be more patient, will my carpets ever get cleaned?

Do I need to be nicer (yes), do I stay up too late (again, yes), do I need more healthy food and less Oreos (sadly, yes)?  How will Davis finish his Eagle Scout stuff, how will our new budget work, how can my children develop confidence,  how will I make "all my wildest dreams come true" (Napoleon Dynamite style)?  What ARE my wildest dreams even???

It's exhausting!  Like crazy making.  I've found it's too easy to let all the anxiety ridden "wills, dos, and hows" creep into my psyche and rob me of all the joy that is in my very, very blessed life.

So today I'll be thankful for my husband who has cleaned the kitchen every day for the last two weeks!  (Seriously, I don't know what to do with myself--it's awesome).  I'll be grateful that my six crazy kids genuinely like each other, in spite of their differences or maybe because of them.  I'll enjoy lunch out, a good book, the chance to serve others, a quiet house, a healthy (not perfect) body, and the sound of the rain on my roof.

Because I am blessed.  You are blessed and God is good.