Best Month Ever!

Recently I joined a Facebook group called "The Best Month Ever" based on the principles in the book "The Miracle Morning" By Hal Elrod
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AKKS278?keywords=miracle%20morning&qid=1448393293&ref_=sr_1_1&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

I won't go into a lot of detail but basically the premise was to have "The Best Month Ever" using the strategies Hal taught.  (I guess it doesn't take a genius to deduce that...)  Step one was to set a goal for the month and then begin posting in the FB group about how your goal and "Miracle Mornings" were going.  I was more of a silent observer in the group and it was fun to read along as people set some pretty lofty goals:  lose 15 pounds, start a business, write a book, etc.  My goals were a bit smaller and honestly, I struggled with coming up with my "Best Month Ever" goal.  But here's what I realized:

I like my life.  I like being a mom.  I like the mundane (except cooking--never cooking).  I like waking up in the morning and planning what I'm going to organize, what errands I'll run, who I will talk to, how I will serve.  I find joy in my 15 minutes of scripture study and my half hour of morning yoga.  I like making a cup of hot chocolate for my daughter and handing it to her as she walks out the door.  I like morning prayers and a kiss with my husband and the sound of my boys coming home from school.  I like calls from my college sons, emails from my missionary and lunch with my mom. I like good talks with friends, the chance to serve with good people and worshiping every Sabbath.

Sure--there are hard times and worry and stress.  There are stages in life I'm not anxious to repeat and I spend my fair share of sleepless nights trying to solve the world's (or the marching band's) problems.  Someday I would like to be a speaker and writer and serve a mission with my husband and travel the world.  Someday.

The last four weeks allowed me to recognize all those things.  To be grateful for my simple, some may say, boring life.  To appreciate the blessings I have and the people I associate with.  I may not have had the loftiest goals but I can honestly say, I did have The Best Month Ever.

Why We Parents Need To Eliminate the Drama

I've had a few conversations in the last couple of weeks surrounding the topic of drama.  Specifically, adults who create/live by/encourage drama in their lives and the lives of their families.  Honestly, I don't get it.  I hail from the "why would you rock the boat anymore than it's currently rocking" camp. I mean, life has enough of it's own natural drama--why add to it you know?

 I  believe that often, those that live with a lot of drama don't recognize it for what it's worth.  They are so used to that state of constant uproar that it's hard to take a step back and see it for what it is.

SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE SWIMMING IN DRAMA:

1.  There's a lot of yelling at your house.  Some kid or teenage yelling is a little normal.  If it's happening on a daily basis and if it involves you as a parent yelling back, that's drama.

2.  Crying and whining are abundant, particularly if you as the parent are participating.  If you're swimming in tears, that's drama.

3.  The yelling/whining/crying is followed up with equally emotional declarations of love or apology. Love and forgiveness are a good thing--that wide swing between emotions?  Drama.

4.  You use a lot of superlative phrases.  Things like "This is the WORST month ever!"  or "I"m NEVER going to trust you again."  It goes the other way too:  "This is the BEST year of my life."  Superlatives=drama.

5.  You are easily offended and so are your children.  So.much.drama.

So why is drama bad?  We certainly don't want to live in an emotional neutral zone all the time, right?  Of course not.  Some days will be bad and some will be great.  That's the natural course of life.  But often, because we don't know how to control or handle our emotions they get the better of us and take over to the detriment of our relationships.

Kids need stability to feel secure and build self esteem.  Self esteem comes from a sense of well being.  Well being comes from feeling emotionally secure.  Drama is the opposite of that.  It puts our children in a constant state of unbalance.  You know that feeling of walking a balance beam?  Who wants to live emotionally like that?  It's unnerving.

Now, I'm not saying do everything at all costs to keep things on an even keel.  Part of learning to be resilient is to deal with uncertainties and difficult moments.  But like I said in the beginning, life will naturally present itself with those things--we don't need to add to them.  So here are some tips for avoiding drama in your lives and your children's lives:

HOW TO AVOID THE DRAMA:

1.  Remember you are the adult!  Kids have enough drama, they don't need you stirring up more.  Listen to their school or friend issues but don't get in the middle of it.  Let them sort it out.  Nod, sympathize but don't fan the flames.

2.  Make your home neutral.  When kids walk in the door they need to feel emotionally safe.  Smile, give them space if they are cranky, and tell them you love them.

3.  Set boundaries.  When kids know what to expect and you hold them accountable, that increases their sense of security.  Remember, security=better self worth.

4.  Stop yelling.  I'm serious.  I cannot come up with one good reason to yell--unless life or limb is in peril.

5.  Stop being offended.  I really believe we choose to be offended.  I also believe that very few people are out to offend anyone else.  If they do offend, it's usually unintentional.  If for some reason it IS intentional, that's their problem.  Like Idina Menzel says, "Let It Go!"

As parents, let's be the adults in our homes and social circles.  Our children will watch how we handle our emotions and pattern their own after us.  What kind of example are you setting?  I know I can be better, can you?

How I'm Organizing My Poor Scattered Brain

My Weekly Review

I mentioned several months ago that I had embarked on a new system to organize my life.  It is called "Mind Organization for Moms" and I stumbled upon it sort of by accident, but it's been a game changer for me.  I used to wake up feeling behind and go to bed feeling behind.  It was a constant game of "catch up" that was slowly making me crazy.  I had so many things "in my head" that most of it was falling through the cracks.  I've had some people ask how the system is working for me and so I thought I would post an example of how I work the system.  (I have tweaked it for my own use and so while I don't follow it to the letter, I do stick mostly to it.)

For today, I will explain one portion of it--"The Weekly Review."  This is based on the "Getting Things Done" system by David Allen and has been adapted by April Perry of "Power of Moms" for moms.  https://hm156.infusionsoft.com/app/storeFront/showProductDetail?productId=34 Basically, the "Weekly Review" is the process where once a week I process all of the papers, notes, calendars, to-do lists, etc and put it into my system.  (If there is interest, I could go into details about my entire system, but for today I'll keep it simple.)

Above is my "machine."  Notice the in-box in the middle with a stack of papers (and ballet shoes:)  These are all the things from the week that need to be "processed."

I start with the first thing on the pile.  My goal is to get everything either filed, recycled, or dealt with if there is an "action" item.  Here are some examples:

Item:  Ballet Shoes

Ok--this isn't paper, but it WAS in my in-box...Kennedy's ballet shoes need to be sewn.  She brought them home a few days ago and I told her to put them in my in-box.  Because I need her home to measure where the straps go, I put them upstairs next to my sewing box and added "sew ballet shoes" to my "Home" list on my Wanderlust app.  I check that list daily so it will get done tonight.

Item:  certificate for one of the boys.  I just needed to file this so I went to the file cabinet, opened up to the "McKay" file and placed it in there.  It took about 15 seconds.

(I apologize for the sideways photos but I was wasting WAY too long trying to fix them and I have a Costa Vida lunch date with myself that I don't want to miss!)

Item: Invitation for an activity for Kennedy.
Action:  I put the the date and info in my google calendar (2nd sideways pic) and recycled the invitation.

Item:  Permission forms for above service activity
Action:  I placed this in the "October"  "tickler file".  Basically I have a folder for each month that has items specific to that month.  Since the activity was in October, that's where it goes.  (You can place a "t" next to the item on your calendar so you remember where it is.)

Item:  Letter to send to my Grandma

Action:  I just needed to address this and stick it in my purse to mail on my way out the door.  (If any item takes less than 2 minutes to deal with, I deal with it right then.)

Item:  Kennedy's band schedule for the year

Action:  I put each of the dates in my calendar and put the paper in the "Kennedy "file on my counter top file box.  (There was info on the back that may come in handy but I didn't need to be aware of it at the moment.)

Item:  Email list and notes for an "Alumni" email list I'm making for the marching band I am currently booster president of.

Action:  Because this is part of a larger project (something April calls a "current project" I identified what my "next action" would be which was review the list and compare with another list I have.  I listed that action item on my wunderlist "computer" to do list and placed the paper in my  "Alumni" current projects folder which goes in my file box on the counter.

 Item:  Fundraising list
Action:  This was put in my "fundraising" current projects folder but required no action at the moment as I am waiting on some info.  That info went on my "waiting list" (see picture below).  This is my list which are items that I'm waiting to hear back from someone before I can move forward.

Item:  WW registration
Action:  I needed to go on line and register my etools number so I could keep getting free access.  I did that (took less than two minutes) and recycled the form.

 Item:  Costa Vida Survey--I really have a thing for Costa...I wanted to fill out the survey so I could get free chips and salsa today.  I did that (took less than 2 minutes) and placed the receipt in my wallet next to my visa so I don't forget to use it.

 Item:  Car repair receipts

Action:  Filed it in the "Camry" file in the file drawer.  (Incidentally, after reading Marie Kondo's book I was pretty ruthless with paring my files down to the absolute minimum.  I only have one file drawer about 2/3s full and it's more than enough.


Eventually, I'm rewarded with this:

An empty in box!  I can't tell you how refreshing it is!  This weekly review is just one part of the process.  I also do a few things that are really helping:

1.  Processing paper as it comes in if at all possible.  I find about 75% of it can be thrown straight out or I can put it in my calendar quickly and recycle it right then.

2.  Processing my emails daily--I really try to get my emails down to zero every day.  That's a whole other post though...

3.  Putting EVERYTHING down on paper!  This is HUGE for me!  Things that I need to do get put either on my to-do lists on my app, in my calendar or written on a piece of paper that is put in my in box to be dealt with later during the weekly review.  Getting everything "out of my head" has been life changing.

So---this hasn't been the most entertaining blog post, but maybe it's been helpful?  This journey to get organized is really evolving and it's made me a better person.  At least I feel a lot more sane!

The #1 Thing That Will Make You A Better Mother

The #1 Thing That Will Make You a Better Mother

I’m going to share with you the best piece of advice my parents gave me.  Just prior to getting married they told me that to be the best mother, I needed to make a weekly date night with my husband a priority.  Luckily, they had set a great example—from the time I can remember they had Friday date night.  Why is this one piece of advice so important?  Because it clearly defined what the most important relationship in my life would be—the relationship with my husband.

I remember as a mother of three young kids, talking about this idea of a weekly date night with a friend.  She disagreed when I told her that being a wife was my first priority.  “No, I WAS a wife, now I’m a mother” is what she said.  Does that ring a bell with anyone?  

Here’s the thing—at the end of the day, it’s going to be me and Dave against the world.  Our kids will grow up and leave.  (They will grow and up and leave, right??)  They will get married and have families of their own and when our last moves out I don’t want to look at Dave and wonder who he is.  Because I’ve seen when that happens and the results aren’t pretty.

So what does a weekly date night DO exactly? 

1.)  It Gives Us A Break From the Demands of Motherhood.  

It is HARD being a mom!  When they are little it’s physically demanding and as they get older it’s more emotionally demanding.  We need a break.  Preferably with dinner out and not returning until the kids are asleep. (Because let’s face it—bedtime, or the “witching hour” as I like to call it, is the most emotionally draining part of our day.)  

2.) It says to our children “I love you, but I love your Dad more.” 

I want my kids to know that my relationship with their father is the most important thing in our lives.  It makes us united, it makes us stronger and it sets an example for our kids to follow.  Just the other night we took five of the kids to the movies and as we filed into the row Dave went first followed by the kids and then myself.  But I noticed that the kids left a seat open next to Dave—for me.  Because they know how we operate.  In it together.  

3.) It Builds Intimacy.

A weekly date gives Dave and I time to remember why we liked each other in the first place.  It’s so easy to get caught up in the drama and chaos of raising kids that we can forget to connect on an emotional, let alone physical, way.  By setting aside at least one night a week, we guarantee we have time for each other.

Now I know there are skeptics.  I’ve heard it all:  “sitters are too expensive,” “my kids need me”, “they won’t behave if I’m not there,” “there’s not enough time.”  Here’s what I have to say to that:  “Baloney!”  There’s nothing more worth your money than this investment in your marriage.  Go without take out one night or a new outfit.  Trade babysitting with a friend or ask a relative.  I promise you, there’s a way to get a sitter.  You’re right—your kids DO need you—just not every second of every day and if you are telling yourself otherwise you are grossly overestimating your importance.  Or using it as an excuse to NOT spend time with your spouse.  As for your kids’ behavior:  they will probably behave better for a sitter than you.  And if they don’t?  So what?  That’s what you pay the sitter for!  Not enough time?  Then you seriously need to reevaluate your life.  Because there’s nothing more important.

I stand by the caption for this blog post.  The #1 thing you can do to be a better mother is a weekly date night.  I dare you to try it.  Call a sitter, go out to dinner and order a Diet Coke in my honor. You won’t be disappointed.

Change is a coming...

“Winds in the east, mist coming in, like somethin’ is brewin’ and bout to begin.”  

—Bert, from Mary Poppins

It’s a season of change here at the Morgan house.  As I type this we are loaded into our 15 passenger van and headed to Utah to drop our 2nd and 3rd son off for their first year of college.  As we piled into this trusty “SIXKIDS” vehicle, Dave remarked that for the next several months it will probably get little to no use outside of the occasional request to drive it for church activities.

We’ve had a lot of adventures in this van.  We brought Kennedy home from the hospital in it, strapped in among her 5 older brothers.  We’ve hauled snare drums and band judges. We’ve driven it to competitions, dance practices, music lessons, back to school shopping outings, family vacations and more scout activities than I can count.

Our family is growing smaller.  Our kids are growing up and doing good things but it’s bitter sweet.  It’s remarkable to see them becoming young adults, but the days of dressing them all in matching shirts for our Disneyland vacations, or sitting around the dinner table together every night are done.  At least for the most part.

And yet, there are great things too.  We aren’t meant to be stagnant.  We are meant to grow and stretch, even if it’s a little bit painful.  I like the idea of looking forward instead of looking back.  Up ahead are daughters in law and grandchildren and one poor son in law who will have to withstand the initiation by 5 brothers.  There are anniversaries and birthdays and graduations.  There are rich conversations and lots of laughter and love.  And blessings.  Lots and lots of blessings.  

Yes, “winds in the east, mist coming in, like somethin’ is brewin’ and bout to begin.”  It’s brewin’ alright- and I don’t doubt it’s going to be an adventure.

MOTHERHOOD--"Don't Wish It Away!"

The days can be long when you are a mom of young kids.  Diapers to change, mouths to feed, messes to clean up, and so on.  It’s draining having practically no time to yourself—“can I just go to the bathroom in peace!”  If you stay at home your adult interaction is limited to talking back to Steve on “Blues Clues” or chatting up the UPS driver because you’re starved for grown up talk.  And wherever you go you must bring 2 or 3 or in my case, 6, small children with you.  I would love to tell you that’s fun.  I would be lying if I did.

I have a vivid memory of a winter night when we were a young married couple with two children.  Dave and I were wanting a Ben and Jerry’s fix and so Dave was heading out the door to run to the store. I remember thinking, “it seems like it will be forever until Dave and I can just jump in the car and head out for a date whenever we want.”

Guess what?  Forever is here.  And it came really, really, really fast.  

One of my sons who is is on a mission for our church said there is a saying in the mission field:  “The days are long but the months are short.”  I think that describes parenthood.  When I was a mom of 6 little kids the days were so long.  And draining.  And often times a little boring.  Of course they were rewarding and tender and filled with love too.  But when I look back, the months (and years) are so short!

In 48 hours we will be welcoming Carter home from his 2 year mission to Brazil.  Our oldest son is finishing up his last five months of his mission in Chicago.  Mckay is headed to BYU in the fall which leaves us with just three teenagers at home.

This time in our life is marvelous, and crazy busy and really really difficult at times.  I’m no longer changing diapers (I think I would seriously vomit if I had to now.  What is it about being a young mom that gives you an iron stomach?)  I don’t have to wipe faces or entertain little ones and yes, I do get to go to the bathroom in peace,.  And the best thing about this stage of life?  I get to go out with my husband pretty much whenever I want!  I think we had 4 lunch dates just last week!  

Each stage of our life is precious if we recognize it for what it is.  We can’t wish away where we are at, and we can’t spend all of our time living in the past.  Instead true joy comes in the now.  The sticky kisses.  The snuggles on the couch.  The “I love you” when your teen heads out the door.  The thrill of seeing a son return home from a two year life of service.  

So live in the now, people.  Live in the now.

Choosing the Difficult Path--Our Journey Over A Mountain

Have you ever wondered if it's really necessary to make ourselves do difficult things?  Have you ever thought that the easy way is the better way?  Have you tried to shield your children from life's challenges?  I have--lots of times.  This last week I gained a new perspective on why it's so important to do hard things.

Our family was blessed to all be involved in our youth "Trek" for our church.  For three days the youth in our congregation gathered together for a journey that covered over 26 miles--nearly 9 of them up and over a mountain as they pulled a traditional pioneer handcart loaded with their supplies.  I'll let you in on a little secret:  I hate camping.  Like so, so, much.  I don't like sleeping under the stars with not even a tent to zip up to keep the bugs at bay.  I don't like going 4 days without a shower (remember how vain I am?) And I really, really, really HATE using a porta potty.  The only thing worse is going in the woods--which I did for the first time in my 43 years of living.  (TMI?)

(That's my Davis in the front, middle).

So, if I hate camping and the great outdoors so much, why do I love Trek?  Because it teaches us to do hard things.  And this was hard.  I've been on treks before and they were challenging.  This was beyond challenging.  I don't even know that I have words to adequately describe it, but I'll try.  For this adventure the youth, ages 12-18 are divided into "families" with each family having a Ma and Pa.  Four families make up a "company" and Dave and I were captains of a company. We got a front row seat to the adventure and it was priceless.  On the day of the handcart portion of the trek, the youth donned pioneer clothes and then walked over 5 miles to where their handcarts were parked.  From there they loaded all of their gear and we set out for what would turn out to be an 8.5 mile journey up and over a mountain on logging roads.  There were hills--so, so many hills and pulling the handcarts for over 8 hours up and over those hills pushed these kids to the max.  Some broke down.  Some cried.  Blisters and sunburns were a common theme.  And yet, they did it.  Working together they did what they thought was impossible.  And they did it with patience and love for one another.  They encouraged each other, they prayed together and they all contributed.  At times Dave and I had to help them and often we became emotional watching them struggle.  As we arrived in camp that night the sense of accomplishment was astonishing.

And the next day?  We hiked 12 miles over various terrain in the sun.  For some youth this was easier--for others, they wanted to give up.  But along the way, friends, "parents" and leaders stepped in to offer support.  For the last several miles I hiked with a girl on each arm and one holding onto my backpack because together we were stronger than alone.

These kids will probably never have to physically work this hard again.  They most likely won't be asked to hike 26 miles up and over a mountain while pulling a hand cart.  But they will have challenges in their life that they will want to run away from.  Or avoid.  Or give up on.  And now they know that they have it in them to face them head on and prevail.  As a parent, it is excruciating at times to watch your children experience difficult things.  We want to rescue.  We want to alleviate.  But sometimes the best thing we can do is allow them to endure it.  And when they do, they will come over that mountain stronger than they ever thought they were.

(See that mountain waaay in the distance?  That's what we hiked up and over to get to the beach.)

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE REWARDS YOU HAVE SEEN FROM LETTING YOUR CHILDREN DO DIFFICULT THINGS?  PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW