MOTHERHOOD 101: THREE STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE RESILIENT

MOTHERHOOD 101:  THREE STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE RESILIENT

How do we raise resilient children?  How do we teach them how to deal with anxiety and stress in an anxious and stressful world?  As I've pondered my own experiences I've come up with three strategies that I believe builds resilience.

1.  LET THEM FAIL:  I know, it goes agains every fiber of our mothering beings to allow our kids to blow it.  I think for a better part of my parenting years I've walked behind my children with an imaginary wheelbarrow trying to prevent the falls.  But it's in the failure that resilience is made.  I read once that we should actually give our kids tasks that we know they won't be able to accomplish the first time.  Madness, I thought!  But then I realized the value.  It's when our children learn to pick themselves up and that not succeeding at something is ok that they develop the ability to handle difficult things.

2.  ALLOW FOR MEDIOCRITY:  I think there is an epidemic of parents who think their children should be the best at everything.  Straight A's, class president, lead in the play, star soccer player, favorite of every teacher, friend to all.  Here's the thing--that's not going not happen.  And if it is happening, chances are that's not such a healthy thing.  When our children feel that they have to perform at the top level in everything they undertake, or need constant praise or awards we are setting them up for a really hard fall down the road.  Because I hate to break it to you but your children aren't the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most talented in all the land.  Neither are mine.  And that's ok.

3.  ACCEPT THEY WILL MAKE MISTAKES:  I used to believe that if I just taught my children correct principles and told them how to do everything then I could save them from a lot of grief and pain.  (Naive, I now realize.) Here's the thing--our kids need to make mistakes and more importantly, they need to know that we understand that.  We were not meant to be on this earth to do things perfectly.  In fact, I think it's the opposite.  We were put here to figure out how to pick ourselves up when we fall and make ourselves better.  If we are the type of parents that so closely monitors everything our child does so that they WON'T fail we are in fact, failing as a parent.  I make mistakes, you make mistakes, and our kids need to know that they will make mistakes, and that we are ok with that.

As a parent I want my children to succeed and be happy.  I used to think that meant having them do everything "right" but I've come to believe that's not the case.  The growth comes from accepting that we won't do everything perfectly but that we aren't meant to.  It's in the failures and mistakes that resilience is born.

Today I Will Find Joy

Today I will find joy.  Today I will count my blessings, smile more, appreciate all that is right in my world.  I don't know about you, but lately I've been finding myself worrying too much.  Like Olympic size worrying.  Are my children happy? Will they turn in their homework, will they make good choices, find good friends, learn to iron, for heaven's sake?

Will Dave hear soon about his book, will planning a wedding (!) stress me out, will I be a good booster president/wife/mother/servant of the Lord???  Will my new diet and exercise plan get results, will I learn to be more patient, will my carpets ever get cleaned?

Do I need to be nicer (yes), do I stay up too late (again, yes), do I need more healthy food and less Oreos (sadly, yes)?  How will Davis finish his Eagle Scout stuff, how will our new budget work, how can my children develop confidence,  how will I make "all my wildest dreams come true" (Napoleon Dynamite style)?  What ARE my wildest dreams even???

It's exhausting!  Like crazy making.  I've found it's too easy to let all the anxiety ridden "wills, dos, and hows" creep into my psyche and rob me of all the joy that is in my very, very blessed life.

So today I'll be thankful for my husband who has cleaned the kitchen every day for the last two weeks!  (Seriously, I don't know what to do with myself--it's awesome).  I'll be grateful that my six crazy kids genuinely like each other, in spite of their differences or maybe because of them.  I'll enjoy lunch out, a good book, the chance to serve others, a quiet house, a healthy (not perfect) body, and the sound of the rain on my roof.

Because I am blessed.  You are blessed and God is good.

Why "Diets" Don't Work

Diets don't work.  I'm a firm believer in that.  With the start of the new year there is always a big upswing in the number of FB and Instagram posts about our enthusiasm to make this year, THE year for losing weight.  Often, this involves some sort of extreme grape fruit eating, carb demonizing, burger hating, let's only eat food in it's natural state craziness.  Now I want to be clear--I absolutely believe in being healthy.  I believe that being a healthy weight is a fantastic goal.  I just don't believe we need to be crazy to get there.

I've spent a lot of time reading books. listening to pod casts, doing research and analyzing my own journey for wellness.  Heck, I worked for Weight Watchers for a few years (which I will say, that if you are looking for support, its' a great place to go.)  Here's what I've learned about weight loss:

1.  You need a LIFESTYLE not a DIET.  If you have weight you want to lose and keep off, you've got to find something that you can maintain as a way of life.  An extreme, quick fix rarely will work. If there's one thing I know, AVOID EXTREMES. That's because the majority of people can't maintain an extreme lifestyle long term.  Think about it, can you really never eat processed food for the rest of your life?  I mean, Oreos are delicious.

2.  Eat like the weight you want to be.  I actually had a huge "aha" moment with this recently.  Like a lot of us, the holidays had done a number on me (or I had done a number on the holidays--it's all perspective I guess.)  In order to get back on track and get a few pounds off I knew I had to trim the amount of calories I was consuming every day.  However, after a few days of tracking I realized that eating 1200 calories a day (sort of the "norm" to lose weight) just wasn't doable for me long term.  BUT, eating the amount of calories for the weight I want to be IS.  But to be OK with that you have to realize this:

3.  Slow and steady is better than fast and furious.    For most of us that doesn't mean 1200 calories a day and hours in the gym.  Yes, that means the weight will come off more slowly, BUT that means that from day one, you are practicing the strategy that will allow you to be successful for the rest of your life.  Think about that for a minute.

4.  Lists of foods you MUST have or CAN'T have are ridiculous.  (Unless you have a true, honest allergy. Or unless it says to never eat hot dogs. Hot dogs are disgusting). We've all seen lists like "The Top 5 Foods for Fat Loss" or "The Top 5 Foods You Should Never Eat".  Remember what I said?  "AVOID EXTREMES".   Will some foods fill you up more? Yes.  Do some foods have better nutritional quality?  Absolutely.  Will consuming a  Big Mac and fries once in a while kill you?  No.  And it will make me like you a whole lot more.

Because the bottom line is this:

5.  To lose weight you must consume less calories than you expend.  That's it.  You do that, you'll lose weight.  If you want to make the whole "consuming less calorie" thing doable, you'll figure out what foods help you stretch your calorie budget.  Whole foods, particularly those with protein, will fill you up more and make you less hungry.  Occasional treats will make you happy.  Regular exercise of some sort will make you feel better and give you more energy.

And with that sentiment, I'm off to eat a protein rich breakfast and spend a little time at the gym with my sweetheart.  Because I'm making Swig sugar cookies today and you better believe I'm eating one. Or two or three...

A Letter To My Adult Children

Dear Adult Children of Mine,

As your Dad and I dropped you off at the airport the other morning to return to college, I had a slight moment of panic.  What if I haven't taught you everything you need to know?  What if I have failed as a mother because you can only make quesadillas and you still don't separate your whites from your darks?  What if all my words of wisdom are crowded out in your minds due to quotes from "The Simpsons" or internet memes?  I fear I may have missed my chance so with that in mind, here's what I would like you to know as you venture into the world:

Speak Kind Words. 

 To each other, to those around you, and most importantly to yourself.  Words are powerful and can be used to lift and serve or cut and demean.  Always ask yourself:  "Would I like to be talked to the way I am talking now" and you can't go wrong.

Serve Others

Much more joy comes from thinking outside of ourself.  There is always someone you can sit next do, say hello to or help.  Always.  We are literally "God's hands" on this earth, so get to work.

Eat Fruits and Vegetables

I'm begging you. One can only eat so many quesadillas or bowls of ramen and think coherently.  An apple, a carrot.  Something.

Don't Let Fear Sabotage You

Too many people let fear (of failure, discomfort, the unknown, spiders...) keep them from being the person they want to be and God wants them to be.  I've seen too often when people miss out on amazing opportunities and growth because they are afraid.  Embrace your fear and then do what you are afraid of.  Along with that:

Try New Things

We are not meant to be "comfortable".  Growth comes from stepping outside our comfort zones and stretching.  Meet new people, join a club or team, try a new class, ask a girl on a date.  I know it's scary--particularly the girl thing.  Do it anyway.

If You Don't Like Something Change It

You are smart, talented, witty, good looking, spiritual people (thanks to your good genes).  If you don't like the direction you are headed, do something about it.  If you don't like something about yourself or your situation, change it. We are meant to improve--not be stagnant.  There is great power in changing habits, thoughts or actions that we don't like.

I'm Proud Of You

I know I'm not supposed to be proud, but I am.  Who would have thought that little boys who played "Fun Town" and memorized Sponge Bob quotes would grow up to be so amazing?  I did.  I may have worried along the way and nagged, cajoled and cried, but deep down, I knew.  

I love you,

Mom

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Best Month Ever!

Recently I joined a Facebook group called "The Best Month Ever" based on the principles in the book "The Miracle Morning" By Hal Elrod
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AKKS278?keywords=miracle%20morning&qid=1448393293&ref_=sr_1_1&s=digital-text&sr=1-1

I won't go into a lot of detail but basically the premise was to have "The Best Month Ever" using the strategies Hal taught.  (I guess it doesn't take a genius to deduce that...)  Step one was to set a goal for the month and then begin posting in the FB group about how your goal and "Miracle Mornings" were going.  I was more of a silent observer in the group and it was fun to read along as people set some pretty lofty goals:  lose 15 pounds, start a business, write a book, etc.  My goals were a bit smaller and honestly, I struggled with coming up with my "Best Month Ever" goal.  But here's what I realized:

I like my life.  I like being a mom.  I like the mundane (except cooking--never cooking).  I like waking up in the morning and planning what I'm going to organize, what errands I'll run, who I will talk to, how I will serve.  I find joy in my 15 minutes of scripture study and my half hour of morning yoga.  I like making a cup of hot chocolate for my daughter and handing it to her as she walks out the door.  I like morning prayers and a kiss with my husband and the sound of my boys coming home from school.  I like calls from my college sons, emails from my missionary and lunch with my mom. I like good talks with friends, the chance to serve with good people and worshiping every Sabbath.

Sure--there are hard times and worry and stress.  There are stages in life I'm not anxious to repeat and I spend my fair share of sleepless nights trying to solve the world's (or the marching band's) problems.  Someday I would like to be a speaker and writer and serve a mission with my husband and travel the world.  Someday.

The last four weeks allowed me to recognize all those things.  To be grateful for my simple, some may say, boring life.  To appreciate the blessings I have and the people I associate with.  I may not have had the loftiest goals but I can honestly say, I did have The Best Month Ever.

Why We Parents Need To Eliminate the Drama

I've had a few conversations in the last couple of weeks surrounding the topic of drama.  Specifically, adults who create/live by/encourage drama in their lives and the lives of their families.  Honestly, I don't get it.  I hail from the "why would you rock the boat anymore than it's currently rocking" camp. I mean, life has enough of it's own natural drama--why add to it you know?

 I  believe that often, those that live with a lot of drama don't recognize it for what it's worth.  They are so used to that state of constant uproar that it's hard to take a step back and see it for what it is.

SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE SWIMMING IN DRAMA:

1.  There's a lot of yelling at your house.  Some kid or teenage yelling is a little normal.  If it's happening on a daily basis and if it involves you as a parent yelling back, that's drama.

2.  Crying and whining are abundant, particularly if you as the parent are participating.  If you're swimming in tears, that's drama.

3.  The yelling/whining/crying is followed up with equally emotional declarations of love or apology. Love and forgiveness are a good thing--that wide swing between emotions?  Drama.

4.  You use a lot of superlative phrases.  Things like "This is the WORST month ever!"  or "I"m NEVER going to trust you again."  It goes the other way too:  "This is the BEST year of my life."  Superlatives=drama.

5.  You are easily offended and so are your children.  So.much.drama.

So why is drama bad?  We certainly don't want to live in an emotional neutral zone all the time, right?  Of course not.  Some days will be bad and some will be great.  That's the natural course of life.  But often, because we don't know how to control or handle our emotions they get the better of us and take over to the detriment of our relationships.

Kids need stability to feel secure and build self esteem.  Self esteem comes from a sense of well being.  Well being comes from feeling emotionally secure.  Drama is the opposite of that.  It puts our children in a constant state of unbalance.  You know that feeling of walking a balance beam?  Who wants to live emotionally like that?  It's unnerving.

Now, I'm not saying do everything at all costs to keep things on an even keel.  Part of learning to be resilient is to deal with uncertainties and difficult moments.  But like I said in the beginning, life will naturally present itself with those things--we don't need to add to them.  So here are some tips for avoiding drama in your lives and your children's lives:

HOW TO AVOID THE DRAMA:

1.  Remember you are the adult!  Kids have enough drama, they don't need you stirring up more.  Listen to their school or friend issues but don't get in the middle of it.  Let them sort it out.  Nod, sympathize but don't fan the flames.

2.  Make your home neutral.  When kids walk in the door they need to feel emotionally safe.  Smile, give them space if they are cranky, and tell them you love them.

3.  Set boundaries.  When kids know what to expect and you hold them accountable, that increases their sense of security.  Remember, security=better self worth.

4.  Stop yelling.  I'm serious.  I cannot come up with one good reason to yell--unless life or limb is in peril.

5.  Stop being offended.  I really believe we choose to be offended.  I also believe that very few people are out to offend anyone else.  If they do offend, it's usually unintentional.  If for some reason it IS intentional, that's their problem.  Like Idina Menzel says, "Let It Go!"

As parents, let's be the adults in our homes and social circles.  Our children will watch how we handle our emotions and pattern their own after us.  What kind of example are you setting?  I know I can be better, can you?

How I'm Organizing My Poor Scattered Brain

My Weekly Review

I mentioned several months ago that I had embarked on a new system to organize my life.  It is called "Mind Organization for Moms" and I stumbled upon it sort of by accident, but it's been a game changer for me.  I used to wake up feeling behind and go to bed feeling behind.  It was a constant game of "catch up" that was slowly making me crazy.  I had so many things "in my head" that most of it was falling through the cracks.  I've had some people ask how the system is working for me and so I thought I would post an example of how I work the system.  (I have tweaked it for my own use and so while I don't follow it to the letter, I do stick mostly to it.)

For today, I will explain one portion of it--"The Weekly Review."  This is based on the "Getting Things Done" system by David Allen and has been adapted by April Perry of "Power of Moms" for moms.  https://hm156.infusionsoft.com/app/storeFront/showProductDetail?productId=34 Basically, the "Weekly Review" is the process where once a week I process all of the papers, notes, calendars, to-do lists, etc and put it into my system.  (If there is interest, I could go into details about my entire system, but for today I'll keep it simple.)

Above is my "machine."  Notice the in-box in the middle with a stack of papers (and ballet shoes:)  These are all the things from the week that need to be "processed."

I start with the first thing on the pile.  My goal is to get everything either filed, recycled, or dealt with if there is an "action" item.  Here are some examples:

Item:  Ballet Shoes

Ok--this isn't paper, but it WAS in my in-box...Kennedy's ballet shoes need to be sewn.  She brought them home a few days ago and I told her to put them in my in-box.  Because I need her home to measure where the straps go, I put them upstairs next to my sewing box and added "sew ballet shoes" to my "Home" list on my Wanderlust app.  I check that list daily so it will get done tonight.

Item:  certificate for one of the boys.  I just needed to file this so I went to the file cabinet, opened up to the "McKay" file and placed it in there.  It took about 15 seconds.

(I apologize for the sideways photos but I was wasting WAY too long trying to fix them and I have a Costa Vida lunch date with myself that I don't want to miss!)

Item: Invitation for an activity for Kennedy.
Action:  I put the the date and info in my google calendar (2nd sideways pic) and recycled the invitation.

Item:  Permission forms for above service activity
Action:  I placed this in the "October"  "tickler file".  Basically I have a folder for each month that has items specific to that month.  Since the activity was in October, that's where it goes.  (You can place a "t" next to the item on your calendar so you remember where it is.)

Item:  Letter to send to my Grandma

Action:  I just needed to address this and stick it in my purse to mail on my way out the door.  (If any item takes less than 2 minutes to deal with, I deal with it right then.)

Item:  Kennedy's band schedule for the year

Action:  I put each of the dates in my calendar and put the paper in the "Kennedy "file on my counter top file box.  (There was info on the back that may come in handy but I didn't need to be aware of it at the moment.)

Item:  Email list and notes for an "Alumni" email list I'm making for the marching band I am currently booster president of.

Action:  Because this is part of a larger project (something April calls a "current project" I identified what my "next action" would be which was review the list and compare with another list I have.  I listed that action item on my wunderlist "computer" to do list and placed the paper in my  "Alumni" current projects folder which goes in my file box on the counter.

 Item:  Fundraising list
Action:  This was put in my "fundraising" current projects folder but required no action at the moment as I am waiting on some info.  That info went on my "waiting list" (see picture below).  This is my list which are items that I'm waiting to hear back from someone before I can move forward.

Item:  WW registration
Action:  I needed to go on line and register my etools number so I could keep getting free access.  I did that (took less than two minutes) and recycled the form.

 Item:  Costa Vida Survey--I really have a thing for Costa...I wanted to fill out the survey so I could get free chips and salsa today.  I did that (took less than 2 minutes) and placed the receipt in my wallet next to my visa so I don't forget to use it.

 Item:  Car repair receipts

Action:  Filed it in the "Camry" file in the file drawer.  (Incidentally, after reading Marie Kondo's book I was pretty ruthless with paring my files down to the absolute minimum.  I only have one file drawer about 2/3s full and it's more than enough.


Eventually, I'm rewarded with this:

An empty in box!  I can't tell you how refreshing it is!  This weekly review is just one part of the process.  I also do a few things that are really helping:

1.  Processing paper as it comes in if at all possible.  I find about 75% of it can be thrown straight out or I can put it in my calendar quickly and recycle it right then.

2.  Processing my emails daily--I really try to get my emails down to zero every day.  That's a whole other post though...

3.  Putting EVERYTHING down on paper!  This is HUGE for me!  Things that I need to do get put either on my to-do lists on my app, in my calendar or written on a piece of paper that is put in my in box to be dealt with later during the weekly review.  Getting everything "out of my head" has been life changing.

So---this hasn't been the most entertaining blog post, but maybe it's been helpful?  This journey to get organized is really evolving and it's made me a better person.  At least I feel a lot more sane!