If I Could Turn Back Time: 3 Tips for Surviving Parenting

I have been at this mothering business for 24 years now and while I am in no way an expert, I have come to realize a few things.  If I could go back to when I was first starting on this parenting journey, here is what I would tell 20 year old me:

Chill out.

Profound, I know, but I'm being honest.  As I reflect on this last quarter century I have come to realize that about 80% of what I spent time agonizing over, was in fact, not that important.  Oh sure, at the time all that stuff like messy bedrooms, giant sock piles, eye rolling and teenage moodiness seemed pretty serious, but I could have saved myself a whole lot of grief if I could have concentrated on a few simple truths and pushed the other ones aside.  Hindsight is 20/20, but now as I'm preparing to be a grandma--it's happening people!!-- I would offer these nuggets of advice:

 Establish a good relationship with each child. 

My wise sister in law shared this quote with me:  "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."  I am the champion at fixating on the problem.  (Seriously--I will read mountains of books, scour the internet, poll friends and family and generally make myself nutty trying to figure the dang kid out!)   However, over the last several years I've realized that if I can concentrate FIRST on loving the child, a solution will come much more readily--and with a lot less hair pulling.   Love first, fix later.

 Children don't (and shouldn't) fit a mold.

Again, I was under a misguided notion that if I could just figure out the first kid, the next five would be easier.  Ummmm... That theory works if they are all clones, but since the good Lord saw fit to send me 6 unique individuals with various likes, dislikes, quirks, challenges, attitudes and food preferences,  I had to throw this idea out the window.  You think you know how to handle one situation?  Just wait, the next kid will turn your parenting abilities upside down.  Sure, you do gain some knowledge as you go but I wish I would have figured out sooner that I need to give each child the chance to spread their wings, be different and follow their own path.  (Besides which the idea of 6 Morgan robot children seems a tad bit frightening...so.many.Simpsons.quotes.)

Trust your instincts

I discussed this in my last post and I stand by it.  I tend to overthink things.  A lot.  I second guess, tweak, backtrack, worry, and stress.  And then I start the process all over until I am the queen of Crazy Town.  In the last few months I have worked on taking a deep breath, quieting my mind and just...listening.  No more second guessing, no more doubting.  Because the Lord gave me these kids for a reason.  He knows I can handle it, even when it seems like I can't.

As a mother you will make mistakes.  You will feel like you are losing your mind somedays.  You will feel overwhelmed, over burdened and over worked and entirely out of your element.   But you will also find great personal growth, laughter, and sweet, sweet moments of pure joy.

In the meantime, chill out.

Fear, Stress and Worry, Oh My!

Anxiety, fear, depression.  Is it just me or are we hearing these terms a whole lot more, recently?  The subject is a fascinating one to me--why is it that these ailments seem more prevalent?  Why do more of my family and friends seem afflicted with them?  And why, does it seem that they are creeping into my own life?

If you would have asked me five years ago if anxiety or fear were a normal part of my everyday life, I would have laughed--unless you count a fear of running out of Oreos. That's no laughing matter.  By and large, I have always been a "glass is half full" kind of gal.  An optimist at my core.  Yet, things have shifted in the last little while, and I've grown weary of it.

Somewhere along the line I have let worry worm it's way into my brain.  As I've thought about it I have realized that it has to do with control, or the lack thereof.  For a very long time as a mom of young kids, things were by and large in my control.  Sure it was tiring, and draining and there were tantrums and dirty diapers and all that jazz.  I've said it before--those things made sense to me.  With a little mom magic I could adjust the course of a tantrum, teach them to tie their shoes or ride a bike and tuck them in at the end of the day all safe and sound.  However as my children have grown, more and more is out of control and I am recognizing that this is where the fear and anxiety starts to form.

Recognizing where it comes from is one thing, but letting it go, is an entirely different story!  Not only that but I have been finding that these worries can paralyze me into doing nothing, because I'm not exactly sure where I should be heading.

And then today--an epiphany.

It came in the form of a quote by David A. Bednar:

“I invite you to embrace what the Lord has blessed you with and to act in faith. Do not take counsel from your fears."

I realized that I have been "taking counsel from my fears."  What if I just...stopped that?  What if I started trusting by acting?  What if instead of questioning the ideas that pop into my head, I just...went with them?  Realistically speaking, I can't think of any decision I have made that has turned out to be disastrous.  (Except that time I decided to give myself highlights.  I'm not making THAT mistake again...)  Did some of my decisions not work out?  Sure.  But nothing bad came out of them--at worst they were simply ineffective.  (I'm thinking of practically every allowance system we've had here.)  Frankly, my track record is not half bad.  Certainly there are more successes than failures.

It's the adversary that weasels his way into our psyche to make us think we are doing it wrong.  Doubts, fears, stress and anxiety don't come from God.  They don't.  And if I believe that God loves me and has His hand in my life, then I can let this stress go.  I can.

Will it be easy?  Probably not.  Usually when we stretch and grow, it isn't a piece of cake.  But it IS doable.  So I'm doing it.  I'm tired of the doubt and the fear and the worry.  I'm letting it go!  Who wants to join me?

Raising Teenagers: "Sit Down You're Rocking The Boat"

I've been thinking about parenting a lot lately.  And by "a lot" I mean like 99% of the time.  The other 1% is filled with Seinfeld quotes and the soundtrack to Guys and Dolls.  ("Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat."  I think that song might be a sub conscious statement on my parenting strategy!)  What is it about having teenagers that makes you question everything you do/think/say?  Oh, that's right--they are mini adults.  With opinions.  Opinions that don't always match your own.  They don't want to sit down--in fact, often they most definitely want to rock the boat.

We have terrific kids, however I think that I was misguided in how this parenting thing would play out.  For some naive reason I thought this would go a lot like their early years: You do what mom tells you, how she tells you and we are all happy.  The boat stays nice and steady.  Some days I miss the simpler times:

"Hold my hand when you cross the street."

"Eat your vegetables and you get dessert".

"Don't rub butter on your brother or you're in time out."

See?  Simple.

I'm starting to figure something out though.  Sometimes my way, isn't always the best way.  As parents we sometimes forget to take into account that part of the growing up process for our kids is actually to rock the boat.  This process means making more choices and often more mistakes.  It means trying new things and letting go of old interests.  And yes, sometimes it means questioning me, as their parent.

It's a leap of faith for me as a mother, this idea of letting go.  Sometimes it's positively maddening but it can also be so rewarding.  I mean, it'll make you crazy during the process when you can't figure out what in the heck they are thinking, but that's exactly what this growing up thing is:  a process.  Our kids need to do it their way--not our way.

So I'm working on trusting that process.  Sometimes I forget to give my kids the credit they deserve and I'm working on that.  I don't want cookie cutter kids.  I want kids who think for themselves, do things for the right reasons (not just because it is "expected' of them) and who can learn from their failures and emerge resilient.  We teach them them what a boat is, where the destination is and then we need to let them figure out how to row there.  Often that's with a whole lot of rocking.  Scary?  Yes.  Necessary?  Definitely.

But every once in a while I miss those brother butter smearing days...

What's Next? (I wish I knew).

I'm in a funk.  Not in a clinical depression type of a funk--more like a "yoga pants wearing, chocolate eating, Dateline viewing" type of funk.  The best way I can describe it is that I feel like there is something I am supposed to be doing.  I just can't figure out what that something is, exactly.

It stands to reason that it's some sort of mid life crisis.  After all, more than half of my kids are now adults and in four short years we will be empty nesters.  We have our first grandchild on the way,  I've got a few wrinkles and yesterday I threw my back out bending over.  Just bending over... Change is coming.  I'm just not sure what that change is for me and it's making me a little (ok a lot) crazy.

I've read a pile of self improvement books, listened to a boat load of podcasts and done a lot of soul searching.  Someone told me I should try meditation to bring on enlightenment.  All it did was bring on a nap.  (I think I did it wrong.)  I've prayed, counseled with my husband and spent way too much time pondering in my head.  And here is what I've come up with:

Nothing.

Well, except for the idea that this is teaching me patience and God isn't going to leave me hanging.  Most of my life I've sort of been going full steam ahead with being the busy mom of 6.  I've wiped a million rear ends, made thousands of lunches, chaperoned more than my share of field trips and helped at more PTA activities that I can count.  I've chaired events, raised money for band trips, chauffeured children to a mind boggling number of practices, and I've figured out that right now is my time to take a breath.  There is something waiting for me right around the corner and when it gets here it will be perfect for me, tailor made to help me stretch and grow and develop my talents.  I've just got to trust in the process and relax.

But in the meantime, I've got a Snickers bar to eat and Dateline to watch.

3 Surprising Parenting Lessons I've Learned

I like to think that I have become more flexible in the last few years.  Not in the yoga twisting gymnastics contorting way--in fact I'm pretty sure the opposite is true in that sense--but in my views on how to be a "successful" parent.  As I've been pondering this windy road of child rearing recently I've come up with 3 (Surprising) Parenting Lessons I've Learned:

1.  What Works With One Child Does Not Always Work With Another

This is one of parenting's greatest ironies.  With other areas of life, the more you practice something over and over (music, sports, writing, etc) the easier it is to replicate the results.  But because God wants to keep you guessing (and learning) he throws you a curve ball.  Your first child might soak up your wisdom like an obedient sponge but wait until you get the strong willed child that throws the sponge in your face.  It took me a while but I learned that sometimes you have to hide the sponge.  Or have someone else deliver it.

2. Comparing Will Make You Crazy

How often do you think that so and so's child is perfect and you wonder what you are doing wrong?  Well cut it out because here's the truth--your friend's child has their own "stuff" just like yours does.  It may be better hidden, or more private but I guarantee you, everyone has struggles.  Maybe it's anxiety or depression or an overwhelming need to please.  Maybe it's talking back or less than stellar grades or self esteem struggles.  Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there.  Because that's life.  EVERYONE struggles!  The sooner you can worry about your little corner of the world and not your neighbor's, the less crazy you will be.


3.  Success Cannot Be Dependent On the Outcome

This was the most surprising to me and something, that if I'm being honest, I still struggle with.  I think we often mistakenly believe that if our children make choices that we don't like or approve of that we did something "wrong."  Dave repeatedly reminds me that we cannot judge our success as a parent on the choices our kids make. (And believe me, this is much easier said than done!)  Our job is to teach them well and trust in the process.  Sometimes we mess up and that's what apologies (and the atonement) are for.  Just because our children might not do exactly what we want them to, does not mean that we did a bad job of raising them.  Our job is to give them the tools they need to survive and thrive in this world and then sit back and be patient if they ignore those tools for the time being.  Who knows, they might actually be inventing a new and improved tool--but making you crazy in the meantime.

Parenting truly is a journey.  I wish earlier on I had let go of what I thought it was "supposed" to look like and instead embraced this often crazy road of raising children.  I've learned that the more I can trust in the process the more joy that comes from seeing my children growing and stretching and becoming the amazing individuals they are.  Now if I could just chill out, that would be a whole lot easier...

Walmart Encounter

Anyone who follows me on instagram or FB knows that I can't shut up about Walmart and it's grocery pick up service.  (Seriously, if you have not used this, do it now!  It is glorious!)  Walmart has redeemed itself because I have not been quiet about the fact that prior to this it's my least favorite place to shop--the aisles are always crowded, it's like a 5 mile hike between the milk and shampoo and sometimes the clientele there is...unique.

Which brings me to my strangest and most hilarious Walmart story.

Several years ago I had ordered a large amount of fried chicken for a cub scout event (because we all know how much I dislike cooking.  And cooking for large groups of people?  The worst!)  My plan was to pick the chicken up right before the event and so I loaded all the kids in the car and headed out to the dreaded big box store.  Now, I was in a hurry and keep in mind that I was clearly in the "Walmart is the devil" camp so my goal was one thing:  get in, get the chicken, get out.  I left the kids in the car, zoomed over to the chicken counter, got the goods and hopped in line.  And as anyone who has shopped at Walmart at dinner time knows, the lines are ENORMOUS!  So...I may have been slightly impatient...

Here is where it gets good.  In front of me in line was a family with two full grocery carts- and I don't know how to describe this family except to say that the story I made up for them in my head involved them living in the mountains for long stretches of time and then when supplies got low they headed down to Walmart to stock up.  They were a little grimy, loud and looked like they hadn't ever been to a dentist. But they were very nice.  And friendly.  The friendly part is important...

So here I am, checking my watch and trying to be more patient while the people behind me started to grumble.  Right then the patriarch of the mountain family looks at me and asks, "You got somewhere to be?"

Me:  "Oh, it's ok.  I have a dinner to get to but I''ll make it."

Man (leaning in two inches from my face):  "Just so you know, you can't have any of what's in my cart."

(At this point I look over at their carts--and I am not making this up--they were FILLED with electric blankets. Like the kind that look like wool blankets but with a plug?)

Me:  "No worries--but it looks like you have a lot of blankets there, that's for sure."

Man:  "You wanna know what we are gonna do with 'em?"

Me:  "Okay...?"

Man:  "We're gonna take 'em home, nail them to our floor and have a heated floor!!"  (I promise, I am not making that up!  That was honest to goodness what he said!  But wait, it gets even better.")

Me:  "Wow--well, uh, good luck with that."

At this point I realize this guy is totally staring at me which has started to make me slightly uncomfortable and then he points right at my chest and asks:

"ARE THEY REAL?"

"Excuse me??" (I'm thinking surely, surely he is not asking about my...breasts?? Because that's right where he is pointing.)

"YOUR'E TEETH!  ARE YOUR TEETH ALL YOURS?"

And THAT, is one reason I dislike shopping at Walmart.  Except their grocery pickup.  That thing is da bomb.

Women, You Are Enough

Today I watched my daughter leave for school.  She's almost 14 and rolled out of bed 10 minutes before the bus came.  Quickly she threw on a dress, her black combat boots and a jean jacket, pulled her hair up in a ponytail, grabbed her backpack and hot chocolate and headed out the door.  And I couldn't help but think of myself at that age.

I was the girl that put hot rollers in her hair every day, teased the bangs to perfection, dug into my giant arsenal of Covergirl cosmetics and checked herself in the mirror three times before leaving the house.  Sure, it was the 80's... but still.  I couldn't help thinking that I'm glad my daughter feels confident enough to not need an hour and half, 8 ounces of Aquanet and a Guess bag to feel complete when she leaves the house.  Sure, she has bad days and days when she thinks it's fun to dress up and do her make up.  She likes to shop and paint her nails and watch youtube fashion blogs.  But she doesn't need to do all that to feel like she belongs and I couldn't help but think there is a lesson in that.

Because we are enough.

We don't need to have a house that looks like it came out of the pages of a magazine.  We don't need to prove that what we do every day (whether it's work at home or out in the world) is valuable.  We don't need to have a big instagram following or awards attached to our name or lose 20 pounds to feel that we are enough.  We don't.

It's not our wealth or our looks or for heaven's sake our figures that make us who we are, and the older I get the more I understand that.  It's changing the ways I approach things in life.  I am trying to worry less about pleasing everyone and instead I'm accepting that sometimes people just don't like you quite so much.  I've learned that I can wear the same outfit 3 days in a row and it just doesn't matter, even if it's leggings and a sweatshirt.  This week I bought a bright highlighter yellow dress that is definitely not "my" color but makes me unbelievable happy when I wear it because I think it spreads a little sunshine on these dreary Pacific Northwest days.  And I'm making peace with my decision to ditch the scale and the dieting mentality.

I hope I can continue to foster that mentality in my daughter because she is enough.  I am enough.  We are all enough.