Do You Get ADD At The Age of 42???

I am a living testament to the fact that God really does answer our prayers--even ones from a mom who was feeling like she was losing her mind because she couldn't get her life and brain (mostly her brain) organized.  I know that because I'm that woman.  Some background:

When I started this blog almost two years ago it was part therapy and partly a way for me to attempt to document myself getting my act together.  Well, I think it met the therapy goal but the second goal was pretty much an epic fail.  Oh, we did implement a new allowance system which worked great (but is getting a huge revamp next week) and I learned some good parenting skills along the way, but honest truth--I felt like I was constantly behind.  Oh wait--that's because I WAS!

The only way I can describe it is that I felt like I had about a million things to keep track of and they were all either jumbled around in my brain, filed away somewhere in my email in box of 45,000--yes 45,000 emails, written on a list that I kept forgetting to look at or buried under a pile of papers on the end of the kitchen counter.  Every day I went to bed feeling behind and woke up feeling behind.  I had the same things on my "to do" list for 6 months.  Between the kids, work, the house, callings, volunteering and everything else I felt BURIED.  (Does this sound familiar to anyone?)  And because I felt so overwhelmed I spent a good chunk of my time avoiding the things that needed to be done because I couldn't figure out how to get started.  So I got really good at Candy Crush.

So...finally (I guess I'm a slow learner), I decided that maybe it might be a good idea to ask the good Lord for help.  I figured I didn't have anything to lose--my sanity was already gone-and maybe, just maybe He would have an answer.  And he did.  On Facebook.  Facebook--the land of annoying video reposts, braggy status updates, and endless requests to join Candy Crush.  But as I sat one day scrolling aimlessly through FB land I cam across this:

http://powerofmoms.com/webinar-information-page-draft/

The name of this rang a bell because a friend had mentioned it in a comment on my blog a while back and at the time I had good intentions to read it "someday" but then when someday arrived I couldn't remember what it was I wanted to read.  (Story.Of.My.Life.)  Well--it was a sign I tell you because I had hours worth of Christmas wrapping to do so I signed up for the webinar on "Getting Projects Done" and a new me was born!  Call me a sucker but I was sold after listening to this webinar.  For the first time in a long time I felt like I might have a solution to my scattered ways so I texted Dave and told him I knew what I wanted for Christmas.  Yes--the full organizational system cost me money but it is worth every penny to me because for the first time in a loooong time I feel energized and inspired and ORGANIZED!  Projects are getting done, emails are cleaned up and attended to, and I have time to relax and enjoy my life again.  I really do think it's an answer to prayer.

So..if anyone is interested take a look at the webinar.  That is absolutely free and worth listening to if nothing else.  The Power of Moms website has loads of free info on parenting and organizing and a bunch of other stuff and if you are interested in learning more about the M.O.M system of organization you can find that info there.  (I know I sound like a Power of Moms zealot but I'm ok with that.  Totally worth it.)  Who knows--it might be your answer to prayer too:-)

Choosing Your Battles

I've been talking with some moms lately about navigating the stormy waters of parenting and I've decided that the number one rule that allows us to be (somewhat) successful is this:  Choose Your Battles.  Really--that's like the golden rule of parenting.  Have you ever seen those parents where EVERYTHING is a big deal--so consequently nothing is a big deal?  You know, the parents that yell about every little thing, find fault with more things than not and are grounding their kids every other day for practically nothing?  I'm gonna let you in on a little secret:  that doesn't work.  I am convinced that the more we yell, the less our kids hear.  The more we take away, the less control we get.  The more we complain, the less they trust us.

It's not easy being a parent.  At the base, we all just want our kids to do well, make good choices and not screw up our grandkids some day.  It just seems that too often our solution is to try to take too much control when really we need to be giving up more control.  This is something I've thought about a lot the last few years and that advice, to choose my battles, has taken on a new meaning.  Now, keep in mind this is a work in progress and things that in the past I would have freaked out about (talking to girls) now seems like no big deal (at least they are talking to someone:-)  So here is the Morgan list of battles I choose to fight--or not.  (Keep in mind--these are MY battles and that doesn't mean that I think yours should be the same.  They won't be and that's OK!!)

BATTLE TO FIGHT:

Speaking kindly--in our house it is not acceptable to yell or talk rudely to one another, particularly a parent.  For our home, I have found that the Spirit has a hard time being here if everyone is yelling.

BATTLE TO LET GO:

Hugging, kissing or general touchy/feeliness.  I'm sure I'm to blame for not nursing my kids enough as babies or forbidding them to sleep in my bed (seriously--how do people sleep with 3 foot heating pads in their beds?)  but pretty much all of them are not big on this.  ("No touching!') It used to bug me--it doesn't anymore and I figure when it counts they will come for hugs as is evidenced by the THREE times Carter returned to hug me goodbye when he left on his mission:-)

BATTLE TO FIGHT:

Church/mutual--they don't always want to go.  Heck I don't always want to go, but almost always they will be there.  Even after a 3 hour soaking wet rehearsal.  They may not be in the best mood when they go, but they are there.

BATTLE TO LET GO:

Wearing their scout shirt to said mutual.  This is one that in the old days would have been a big deal to me.  It's not that I don't think it's a good idea, or that I don't think they should wear it since they've been asked--it's just that in the eternal scheme of things this one isn't worth fighting for me.  Unfortunately teenage boys who want to look attractive for teenage girls do not think they look super cool in a boy scout uniform.  Shocking I know.

BATTLE TO FIGHT:

Respecting other people's things.  Generally speaking, with the exception currently of one son getting caught using someone else's cup, the kid's respect each other's stuff.  You might have seen the picture I posted of the separate chocolate milk (or as we call it:  "milk, chocolate milk") jugs in our fridge.  A lot of people questioned if that would work.  It does because they understand the importance of people's things.

BATTLE TO LET GO:

Healthy eating.  Ok--I know this one will bug people and being a Weight Watcher leader people will assume that my kids eat healthier than most.  True confession:  they don't.  They drink too much soda, eat too many Oreos and skip too many meals.  I cook infrequently (but stay tuned because I am about to embark on a bold new adventure soon) and I love to eat out.  And so do they.  Should they eat healthier?  Yes.  Do I wish they ate more fruits and veggies?  Of course.  Is it currently worth me fighting with them about it or heaven forbid cause some sort of eating disorder because of it?  No.  I was a picky eater.  My siblings were picky eaters.  Dave was a picky eater.  And guess what?  We grew out of it.

As I've been writing this I realized that the list of what I let go is far longer than the battles I engage in.  Some examples of other

things I choose not to fight:

1.  Messy bedrooms.  That's why there is a door.  For me to close.
2.  Video game time limits.  If I think they've been on too long or they are getting mad, then I ask them to turn it off.  They do.  With six kids it just never worked for me to say each got a certain amount of playing time and I had no interest in being the video game police.  Plus with six kids they HAD to share.  It's survival of the fittest.
3.  Wearing pajamas to bed--Parker once slept in his suit Saturday night so he didn't have to get ready Sunday morning.  Whatever. That's being efficient right?
4.  Strict bedtimes--this is because my kids are all over the age of 11.  When they were little it was 6:30.  Because I needed to stay sane.
5.  Skipping the occasional class at school.  Bad I know--but I trust them to be smart about it.  So far they haven't abused the privilege.  If they do, that may change.

Like I said--my battles are my battles.  Some people might be appalled by what goes on over here at the Morgan house.  The potty talk alone would make my mother cringe!  But if you find that you are yelling and punishing a whole lot, maybe it's time to choose your own battles a little more wisely.  Just a thought from a mom who's been there:-)

We've Got Problems

For those of you following along on this wacky life journey of mine you know that it's pretty obvious that here at the Morgan house we are a long way from perfect.  We also might be, just a tiny bit, a little nutso.  Here are just a few glimpses into our life this last week:

First, we still have not remedied the cooking situation around here.  I'm seriously at a loss.  Even if I do cook, which is getting more and more rare, nobody eats it.  I made dinner the other day and came down to find a certain son (who shall remain nameless) eating the following--I am not making this up:  A giant bag of Ruffles potato chips, a stack of oreos and, wait for it, goldfish.  All chased down by a Mountain Dew.  What???  I know what you're thinking--don't buy that stuff.  Easier said than done.  I just really, really like Oreos...

Second, in a giant push to purge my home of all things not useful I organized every nook and cranny and consequently can't find anything anymore.  I think my scattered system was actually easier.  I spent two hour--TWO HOURS--looking for the stuff to clean the fish bowl with because I feared Kennedy's wrath if I didn't find it by the 15th.  That's her regularly scheduled day for cleaning the bowl.  Whose kid is that???

Third, one of my sons has a phobia which was highlighted by this phrase yelled down the stairs at me tonight:  "Mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I need you to come up here and kill a spider for me! "  Now, keep in mind that I am only left with teenage sons at this house anymore so...it's a problem.  Because I'm a big believer in facing our fears I made that son man up and suck up that thing with a vacuum.  It was quite the event.  Tomorrow night we are moving on to his fear of people touching him and clowns.  Anybody know where I can score a lot of touchy, feely clowns on short notice???

Fourth--the Morgan's like a lot of potty humor.  Like every meal involves some sort of bodily sound/fluid discussion.  And it's not limited to meals either because sometimes it sneaks into our scripture study as well.  We should be ashamed.

Case in point: this is McKay's senior picture we are going to display on the bookshelf

Yep--we're wack jobs around here.  I've got teenage boys single handedly bringing croc shoes back in fashion, a missionary son who likes to scare the daylights out of his poor unsuspecting companion and a daughter who I'm pretty sure is more responsible than me.  And she's 11.  And I kind of love it:-)

Laid Up

Recently I had the great misfortune of being struck by the flu--or something similar.  Since my health insurance is incredibly lacking (and incredibly expensive) I guess I'll never know for sure.  But regardless I have literally spent the last 48 hours in bed.  As I laid there alternating between the chills and hot flashes, I had some time to ponder on the meaning of life.  Ok--not really but I did discover a few things:

1.  My husband is seriously the best.  He brought me drugs (the legal kind) and endless apple juice and Diet Coke.  (Even in the throes of sickness Diet Coke must not be forgotten.)

2.  A good mattress is worth it's weight in gold.  A few years back we broke down and paid the somewhat big bucks to invest in a decent mattress.  Best investment yet.

3.  The internet serves as both a blessing and a curse when attacked with a hideous virus.  A blessing because one can surf the net on such glorious sites as people.com and pinterest but a curse in that one can also look up a list of symptoms and discover that instead of the flu it could be malaria--or something equally horrific.  Note:  it doesn't seem to be malaria...

4.  Being sick with older kids is about a thousand times better than being sick with younger kids.  My kids literally left me alone--like if they needed to communicate with me they either stood out in the hall and shouted at me or texted me out of fear of contracting the dreaded disease.  I didn't have to worry about making meals, or changing diapers, or putting in endless videos of Blues Clues.

5.  Apparently I do actually do some things around here because after about hour 36 I dragged myself downstairs and it looked like a bomb went off!  I mean, if I had had the energy to get my phone out of my purse I would have taken a picture because it was sort of horrific.  It made the sock piles seem tame in comparison so even though most days I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, it is clear to me now, that I do.

6.  My kids are capable of doing more than I make them.  After crawling downstairs and witnessing the disaster I asked Dave to supervise the clean up and they did great!  The den and laundry room haven't been that clean in weeks (although after the boys came down and dug through their drawers in the laundry room this morning Kennedy lamented what a mess they made after her hard work.  Welcome to my world, Kennedy.  Welcome to my world.)

So you see, look at all the insight I gained in the last two days!  Another example of blessings that come from trials I suppose.  Also, while laid up I found the greatest little video clip that made me reflect on my "To Do" Lists.  Take a minute to watch:

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3792885561001&cid=HPFR091914425

I guarantee that your perspective will be a little clearer after watching:-)

Back to School Musings

My Facebook feed (like everyone else's) was filled this past week with those "First Day of School" pictures.  They look pretty similar to this one of my two youngest:

Parker (8th Grade) and Kennedy (6th Grade)

I would have taken one of my other two except I totally forgot--poor middle children. (Which I guess is better than the poor 6th child--we actually taped over her birth with an episode of YuGiOh...)  But I digress...

 All of these back to school posts caused me to reflect on how things have changed over the years for my family.  I remember that I could not wait for my oldest to go to school.  Oh sure I cried a little on his first day (just like I did for all of the other's first days) but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't ready to have a bit of a break.  I used to actually get mad when it was a school holiday--"inservice AGAIN????"  Because that meant I had all 6 of the munchkins home at one time and I don't know if you are aware or not, but six kids is a lot of kids.  I had #5 during the summer and let me tell you, we didn't plan that well because all of them were home for two months while I attempted to adjust to another newborn and my crazy hormone levels while refereeing pokemon card battles and video game turns.  After a disastrous trip to Wal-Mart where I attempted to take an 8,6,4, and 2 year old plus a newborn (clearly I wasn't thinking straight) shopping, I swore to NEVER give birth in the summer again. (True to my word, Kennedy was born in April right after spring break.  I'm a quick learner...)

It's not that I didn't love my kids, because I did.  I just loved the idea of them being at school more.  I used to PRAY for all day kindergarten because who are we kidding-- half day Kindergarten should really be referred to as "Kindergarten Hell."  It's not long enough to actually get anything done--particularly after you've loaded up a van full of kids to pick up or drop off your 5 year old--but you still have to go through the gigantic hassle of getting the kid up and ready for school.  It's a total tease.  My prayers in this department were eventually answered-the year after my last child went to kindergarten.  That figures.  (The same thing is bound to happen the day after son #5 earns his Eagle Scout...)

So, I had a lot of years where I pretty much did a happy dance the day school started back up in the fall, but this year was a little different.  I was just a tad melancholy as the summer wound down because these kids of mine are growing up.  McKay is a senior and so this is a year of a lot of "lasts" for him.  It seems like yesterday that Davis was wearing yellow rubber boots with every outfit and this year we had to special order his Nikes so they were "just right."  Parker is in his final year of middle school and with Kennedy in 6th grade for the first time in 15 years we don't have anyone in elementary school.  And yet, even though all this change is a little sad it's also sort of great.  

We've seen a lot of growth in our kids over the last year and a half and I've grown as their mother.  I realized this week that even though there are growing pains and times that I want to pull my hair out, I'm learning to be more patient, I'm letting them find their own way a little more and they are coming out better for it.  I love that they all get themselves up and ready for school without any nagging on my part.  I love that the kid that a year ago used to grunt at me when I told him goodbye now makes a point of being in a good mood in the mornings.  I love watching a brother and sister walk out the door together deep in conversation.  It makes all of those difficult times worth it.  

Even Kindergarten Hell. 

"What They Don't Tell You When You Decide To Be A Mom"

It is a testament to my nutso life that it's been over a month since I've written a post.  (I know,  I know, you've been waiting with baited breath for my wise words...)  Life has been busy at the Morgan house with school getting out, vacations, camps, new callings, work and life in general.  But really, the reason is because my creative juices don't seem to be flowing quite as freely.  I'm wondering if maybe it's because the blog served it's purpose when I was going through our crazy, angst filled year and a half.  Like literally I think this was my therapy.  (I mean I'm married to a dang good psychologist but Dave can only do so much you know??)  But then again there is still angst to be had over here.  I don't know if you are aware of this or not but some days being a mom is HARD!

I look at new moms with their sweet little snugly babies and think, "Just you wait."  Because those babies grow up.  And they get opinions.  Which are not your own.  Nobody told me that!  And so in that spirit here's a few more things they don't tell you about being a mom:

1.  There is no handbook.  Oh sure, there's a mountain of parenting and discipline books with nebulous titles like "How To Empower Your Strong Willed Child", or "Say Goodbye to Your Picky Eater", but who are we kidding?  What I need is a manual for my specific children--actually I need a manual for each one of them and guess what?  It doesn't exist.  I actually asked my doctor for one when Kennedy emerged from the birth canal because let's face it--after 5 boys I was clueless when it came to girls.  That dumb doctor didn't have one.

2.  Once you figure out how to parent the first one there is no guarantee the same strategies will work on the 2nd, or 3rd.  It's like the universe is mocking you--"OK, we see you can navigate eye rolling with your firstborn, let's see how you handle it when we throw in door slamming and incoherent mumbling."

3.  And in an even crueler twist of fate, everyone else will think they know how to parent your child better than you.  Oh sure, they won't necessarily say it to you directly (unless you're on the phone with the principal again) but you know they're thinking it.  Because let's be real, you're thinking the same thing about your cousin's kid.

4.  At some point your children will be larger than you which means that strong arming them into matching shirts for family pictures is pretty much out of the question.  In fact, family pictures in general are pretty much out of the question by the time they are all teenagers because you are NEVER going to find a time when they are A) In the same place at the same time and B) Agreeable to the idea of a family picture.

And finally:

5.  Even with all of the above, it's still the most awesome job in the world.  Oh sure, it's also the most hair pulling, mind numbing, frustrating, scary, feels impossible thing you will experience.  (Case in point; just today I locked myself in my bathroom with Candy Crush and my tears. ) But it's balanced by lots of laughter, and pride and happiness and love.

You see, I think it takes all of those hard times to make us appreciate the good ones so much more.  Cliche I know, but it's true.  Being a mom is the worst--but it's the best.

Mediocrity--let's celebrate!

I was talking with a friend the other night and we were lamenting all of the pressure that comes from those FB posts celebrating achievements.  We all do it right?  "Hey look at me, I'm on a cruise!"  "My kid is awesome--he's a 4.0 student!"  It's like those dang Christmas letters--but we get them EVERY DAY!  Now, I'm not saying those things are always bad to announce.  I mean, they are certainly better than the "woe is me" FB posts.  You know what I'm talking about right?  Those cryptic, something is wrong, I need attention but I'm not really gonna say what's happening so you are forced to ask me/feel sorry for me status updates.  Those make me crazy.

Anyway....my friend and I were discussing how sometimes all those celebratory posts make us feel like we don't measure up which lead me to wonder how many of us are feeling the same way?  And wouldn't it be refreshing if we shared what life is really like?  (Not woe is me, just real life).  So in that spirit I'm sharing some of the facebook status updates I should have posted over the years:

Update:

"I received this call from so and so's kindergarten teacher today:  "Hi, Mrs. Morgan.  We caught your son with his pants down peeing behind the tree at recess.  Could you talk to him and explain that is unacceptable?  Oh, and he shouldn't be inviting his friends over to join him."

Update:

"I can tell it's going to be one of those days.  The dishes are piled in the sink, my laundry is out of control and the principal just called to tell me that Carter has assembled the 5th grade boys together to protest the unfair treatment of the male gender at recess.  Maybe he'll be a politician???"

Update:

"So today has had it's good points and it's not so good points.  Dear son is crossing over into scouting today which is great.  But the same son also got suspended from 5th grade for the day for getting in a fight.  With a girl.  The girl won."

Update:

"Another call today--this time from the Vice Principal of the high school.  'Hey Mrs. Morgan?  Just thought I'd call and tell you that your son was given in school suspension for hoarding ketchup packets from his school lunch in his locker.  I'm not exactly sure what his plan for them was but we are concerned..."

And one of my favorite all time examples of the Morgan's mediocrity:

Update:

"We received this comment on so and so's report card today:  "Hopefully the summer will cure you of your laziness."

So there it is.  Oh us Morgan's have great things too--graduations and missions and awards and vacations just like everyone else.  But most of the time it's just a whole lot of normal, mediocre, less than amazing living.  And you know what?  It's pretty great.

Happiness--it's a state of mind

I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately.  What makes us happy and how do we define happiness?  (I'm thinking real happiness not Baja Fresh induced coma happiness.)  In reflecting on this I've realized that in the last year or so I think I've misunderstood what happiness is.  As moms a lot of our happiness revolves around our children and their state of minds.  One mom said someone told her "you're only as happy as your saddest child."  Yikes.  I heard that and thought I'm not sure I'll ever be happy then.  Unless we are at Disneyland.  (It is literally "The Happiest Place on Earth."  Unless you've been dealing with a toddler in a stroller in the burning up heat for the last 10 hours while "It's a Small World" is blaring at you.  Not so happy then...)

Anyway, I've been thinking how easy it is to let our children's moods dictate how happy we are.  I know I've been really guilty of this but lately I've realized that it's counter productive.  If I have a kid who is moody, me being moody isn't going to help the situation.  If I have a child who is tired and upset, me being upset with them isn't making things better.  It goes back to that idea of being a constant in their lives.  I believe firmly that growing up is hard enough to do without us as parents heaping a whole lot more guilt on them.  And yet that doesn't keep me from laying awake at night worrying about all the things I don't do "right."  So in that spirit I thought I'd just put it out there--so here it is, my list of things I don't do:

1.  Cook.  Most nights.  There is a just a whole list of complicated reasons why this doesn't get done and I've gone back and forth on beating myself up over them.  But honestly, they all manage to get fed--even if it's a smoothie and sandwich.  Or a stack of Oreos.  Whatever.

2.  Have "perfect" family home evenings.  We have no cute chart, no singing, and we do it on Sunday night because Monday's just don't work for us.  But..we do get together, discuss a gospel principle, read the scriptures and eat a pan of brownies--the same treat we have every FHE.  (Refer to #1 above.)

3.  Camp as a family.  I don't know why but this one sort of haunts me sometimes.  We have all these boys and yet we have only camped a few times.  This is because I sort of hate it.  It's so much work!  And I'm extremely picky about the bathroom situation.  But I hear these stories of our friends that have these great camping adventures and I feel guilty.  Then I realize we just do things differently--we love Disney and we have been fortunate to be able to make numerous trips there.  For our kids it's like returning to the cabin by the lake--it's familiar and there are so many great memories we have made there.  Also, all the toilets there flush.

4.  Have perfect children.  Our kids do not get perfect grades, play an instrument perfectly, or act perfect.  But they are perfect for us.  They are great children who have their own unique talents and personalities and they help us grow as parents.

I will mess up as a parent--we all will.  Being a mom (or Dad) is HARD.  And if we sit around waiting for all of our ducks to line up in a row to be happy we will never be happy.  That's no way to live our lives and so I am working on finding joy in most of the moments of my life. (I say "most" because those of you with teenagers know that there are just some unhappy moments. Usually followed by a hike in car insurance.)  I'm learning to see our challenges as ways to be better and have my children grow.  I'm looking at difficulties as ways to become more like God--because for heaven's sake look at all his kids!  Some of them are "challenging."   I'm learning to appreciate all the blessings we have been given--particularly our amazing, imperfect kids.

PS--I LOVE this talk--"Grateful in Any Circumstance."  And we love Pres. Uchtdorf.  Take a few minutes to read or watch it.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng

Dare I say this just might be working?

When you last saw me I was whining (like usual) about my inability to stay on track and get things accomplished.  After all, this is one of the main reasons I started blogging almost a year (a year!) ago.  And then a small miracle occurred this week.  You see most days I feel like one of those hamsters on those wheels that's running and running and never gets anywhere. (At least I assume that's what hamsters do--due to my no pet policy and fear of rodents I'm not entirely sure).  I mean I joke about reading people.com and playing Candy Crush (which by the way if anyone has any genius solutions to get me off of level 169 I am ALL EARS because THIS LEVEL STINKS) and checking Facebook but the honest truth is that most days I rarely just sit around being idle.  It's just that I would feel like I was going and going and yet I  would get to the end of each day wondering what I actually did.

Then came the (smallish) miracle.  Most of you know that I work for Weight Watchers.  It's a great, perfect little part time job and I love the members that I work with.  Overall it's extremely rewarding to be pretty intimately involved with helping people get healthy and achieve their goals.  Anyway, each month we work on a new habit and this month that habit happened to be "take 5 minutes every day to replay your day."  At the same time I stumbled upon this little gem on pinterest:

http://justagirlandherblog.com/how-i-organized-my-whole-life/

For whatever reason this little sheet and those 5 minutes has solved a big part of my problem.  Every night while in bed I pull out my planning sheet from the day and cross off what got done/bought/etc and transfer what I didn't have time for to the next day.  Then I plan out my next day.  Yeah--I know what a lot of you are thinking:  duh.  We know that.  Yeah--I knew that too but for whatever reason all the other things I tried (notes on my iphone, to-do lists, planners, etc) just didn't cut it.  Maybe it's those hypnotic circles at the top of the page but for whatever reason THIS is working!  And that 5 minutes is saving me so much stress and feelings of frustration.

I've learned a couple of things:  First, most days I was trying to cram way too much into my day.  No wonder I was feeling like I needed three more hours every day--I actually did.  Secondly, I'm finding that when I actually schedule the important stuff first like exercise and pinterest (just checking to see if you were paying attention) then I feel much more accomplished every day.

Like I said, a small miracle:-)

Monday Morning

It is a beautiful Monday morning and I have a list a mile long of things to do.  Monday is supposed to be my "day where I accomplish everything" but it rarely works out that way.  Because I get so distracted!  Jeesh!  I have laundry to fold, my room to clean, WW work to do, emails to return and about 10 other things that need to be done.  But I also have a really good book I'm reading, a 1/2 done pinterest project, seeds I want to plant, etc etc.

I'm trying to embrace the fact that I don't get that much done.  It's just that I keep thinking I should be able to get more done.  (Dang it, now I'm back to those shoulds…)  Are there people out there that accomplish their entire "to do" list every day?  Like at the end of the day do they get to put check marks next to all the different items and experience that sense of accomplishment?  I don't even make the lists any more.  If I REALLY need to remember something I write it on my hand and then I give it about a 75% chance that I'm going to get that done.

I'm torn between the idea of embracing my scatter brain personality and wanting to change it.  On one hand, there's the voice of my spin instructor Aras who tells us at the end of every session that if we don't like what we see "CHANGE IT!"  (Side note, Aras refers to his "partner" as his "housewife"?  Am I the only one that has never heard of this in regards to a same sex partner???)

What was I talking about?  Right--my inability to stay on track… So there's a part of me that continues to think I should get my act together.  But then there is the part of me that really wants to go upstairs and snuggle under my comforter and read the rest of "Midnight in Austenland."  It's maddening!

There's gotta be a way to figure this out.  I mean it can't be rocket science right?  Maybe if I spend some time on pinterest I'll find the answer...

Digging in the Dark and Other Adventures

First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to read my last blog post.  It's interesting because that post was viewed 3 times as much as any other one I've done and it was viewed in countries like China and Australia and the UK!  So hopefully it helped someone out.  I know it definitely helped me--it's as if once I got that out I had this burden off my shoulders and now I have all this energy to do all sorts of projects around the house.  Lately I've been like the energizer bunny.

First I decided to tackle that giant hill of sawdust and the big empty spot where the tree in the front yard once stood.  Did I mention we cut it down?  Yep--no more leaves for the neighbors to complain about.  However, I decided to go all renegade and planted a square foot garden in the front yard!  Hee, hee--I wonder what they think of that?  A friend mentioned that I should check out the book "Square Foot Gardening."  It looks like this:

I'm super jazzed about this idea--so jazzed that I made my two flower beds MYSELF!  Yep, that's right!  It went swimmingly but when it came time to mix the secret soil together I started right before dusk which explains why Parker, Kennedy and I were mixing and hauling dirt in the front yard at dark with our main illumination being the headlights of the car.  It seriously looked like we were burying dead bodies.  We are kind of ghetto over here.  We especially looked ghetto with head lamps strapped to our foreheads...

(The neighbor actually came out to see if everything was alright)

Also, I've been painting furniture like crazy!  With this awesome invention that I'm sure most of you know about but I just discovered--Chalk Paint!  It's AMAZING!  If I was one of those super cool crafty bloggers I would insert pictures here of my projects along with step by step instructions.  But I'm not.  So just look up homemade chalk paint recipe on pinterest and be prepared to be amazed.  I was sold at the first sentence that said I didn't need to prime or sand and it's done from start to finish in a day.  (Well it CAN be done in a day if you aren't distracted by things like Candy Crush and Facebook and Survivor.)

So that brings me to my next plan that I need everyone's help with.  When I started this blog part of the reason I did it is to help me be accountable for making some changes in my life and I think more or less that has worked.  I have DEFINITELY rethought how I parent and we made some great changes--and also came to the conclusion in the end that the majority of the time when I trust my instincts I do ok.  What HAS fallen a little by the wayside is my good eating and working out habits--which is ironic given that I work for Weight Watchers I know.  But like I teach in my classes, none of us are perfect and while I do ok at managing my weight (thanks in large part that to keep my job I have to maintain my goal weight) I could improve how I eat and the exercise I get.  Oh--and I'm supposedly running a 1/2 marathon this weekend.  Which I have not trained for.  Yikes.  Actually that's not true.  I decided on Tuesday I better see if it was even possible for me to run farther than 6 miles.  It's possible.  It just aint pretty as is witnessed by the Burgerville guy who kindly offered me some water when I ran into his store at mile 7 looking like a crazed, dehydrated woman who had never run that far before.  Oh wait...

Anyway--so as soon as I get over this stomach virus I have I'm making plans to get myself in order.  I figure that the last year was so tied up in my kids that I can afford a little "me" time.  That doesn't involve so much Baja Fresh.  Curse that delicious Baja Fresh...

You are going to either think more or less of me after this one. And I'm Ok with that:-)

Part One:  My Experience

I have probably thought about writing this post hundreds of times.  In fact, I think it's why I originally started blogging because I knew someday this post needed to be written.  I keep waiting for the perfect time or the perfect way to say what I want to say but I decided tonight that it doesn't matter that I do it perfectly, I just need to do it.  (See, I HAVE learned something in this last year!)

First--an apology, particularly to my friends who are not of my faith.  This post will be a little high LDS context and it would take me forever to give all the background to explain everything but feel free to message me with any questions.  And I understand if you want to quit reading--but I hope you won't because out of all the posts I've done so far, this one comes from the most tender parts of my heart.

Almost 13 months to the day our oldest son came home early from a mission.  He had been called to serve in Madgascar ("I like to move it, move it"--admit it you were singing that in your head right now.)   But two days before he left the Missionary Training Center in Provo it was decided he needed to come home.  It's not my place to air all the gory details but it's enough to say that it was in a large part due to issues with anxiety and depression--issues we had no idea existed.  And frankly, neither did Jordan.  Call it a "perfect storm" if you will, of events.  A whole lot of pressure, unknowns and a few other things thrown in and so we received a call that we needed to come right away to get our son.

I don't think there is any way to adequately explain what we felt.  Honestly, unless you've been thru it you aren't going to understand and for those of you that aren't LDS I think it will be harder.  You see we spend our children's whole lives training them and preparing them to serve a 2 year mission for our church.  We consider it a sacred and holy calling and as parents we feel a great responsibility to prepare them for that--and as a mother of 5 boys I don't have to tell you that that's a whole lot of pressure.  And I wasn't all that worried.  I thought I had it (mostly) figured out and then out of the blue this happens--it's like getting hit by a semi truck.  Like really.  A big, giant semi truck.

To be frank, I could go on for pages about how this affected us.  It is the absolute truth that I have never cried so much in my life.  Or been so angry.  Or so lost.  Or overwhelmed, or insecure, or anxious, or worried, or entirely out of my element.  And you know what?  I realized a few things about myself.  (And here is where there is a good chance you are going to think a lot less of me but I promised honesty in this blog so here it is):

I was judgemental.  And proud.  And naive.  And a whole lot of stupid.

You see, I thought that if you do x,y and z that you were guaranteed a certain outcome.  2+2=4.  Except sometimes it equals -1000.  I thought that if I raised my boys a certain way, and taught them certain things, and went to my church meetings, and said my prayers and served and did my calling and loved my husband and the other thousand things I did "right" that my little life would be pretty close to perfect.  I mean I expected a few hiccups along the way, but not this.  Never this.

And so I'm apologizing publicly to any of you that I judged before.  And I don't think most of the time I was consciously "judging" you.  I really wasn't.  But that doesn't make it right.  I'm sorry that I thought that you must be doing something wrong because you had a bad marriage or wayward children or heck bad hair for that matter!  I was wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

And so even though this last year has been what I call the most terrible of my life, it's also been the most wonderful.  (Funny how trials are like that.)  Because here is what I've learned:

We can change.  We can change!  Through the atonement of Jesus Christ we can be better people and overcome our challenges.  I have more compassion now than ever before.  I judge less and love more. I understand my children better.  (I mean as a whole.  They still have me scratching my head a fair amount of the time.) My husband and I are closer and the changes to Jordan over the last year are remarkable.  I've learned that sometimes we can do almost everything right and things still happen.  And sometimes we screw up and we can fix it.  We can learn more, be better and our capacity for love grows even greater.


Part Two:  Some Advice


Whew!  That was a lot and maybe I should end it here but I do have a few pieces of advice for friends and family who have loved ones dealing with a situation like ours.  You see, one of the hardest things for me with having an early returning missionary is that I felt like nobody understood and nobody really knew what to do--and so I'm going to give you some tips.  Now keep in mind that every situation is different but from my perspective (as well as from the perspective of other moms I've talked with who have dealt with this) here are some suggestions:

1.  Understand that this is HARD for the family experiencing it.  I would treat it like a family experiencing any other tragedy like sickness or job loss.  Send a card, drop a treat by or offer to bring a meal.  (I will be forever grateful to the dear friend who offered to bring us dinner the night after we returned home from picking up our son.  It really meant the world.)

2.  Ignoring it is not the answer.  Trust me.  This makes it worse.  But also--don't ask for the details.  Missionaries come home early for all sorts of reasons:  physical health issues, mental health issues, testimony issues, morality issues and more.  If they want you to  know they will tell you.  And I'm going to get on my soap box and say no reason is better or worse than the other.  We have friends whose children came home for morality issues and I think they should be applauded for having the courage to admit their wrongdoings and work towards getting ready to go back out--all while everyone is watching and judging.  That takes guts.  And while I'm at it don't assume anything.  I had very well meaning people say to me, "I'm sure your son didn't come home for_____."  What if they did?  And now I know that you think that's shameful?  Just say I'm sorry and ask if there is anything you can do.  You can't go wrong with that strategy.

3.  Be sensitive.  The #1 lesson I have learned from this experience is that we ALL have trials and things that are hard in our life.  Lots of times others have no idea.  There are some things like illness or death or job loss that are apparent but there is so much more such as marriage issues, wayward children, addiction, depression and that people quietly suffer with.  I hope that I am more sensitive now to those situations--that I don't go on an on about my great marriage or new car or straight A student (well, first I'd have to get a kid that's one of those but you get the idea).  Because maybe the person I'm talking to doesn't have the same.  And there is another apology I need to make--I've done that and I'm sorry.  I was stupid and naive (see my above list.)

4.  Just love a little more.  Don't judge.  Be kind and don't freak out when someone like me starts bawling uncontrollably when you ask, "how are things?"  Because I just might.  And then I might talk to you non-stop for 45 minutes in the Target baking aisle because I just need to unload for heaven's sake.

My goodness--this is the longest post ever!  (Like really-- I promise to never post something this wordy again).  But like I said, it's been weighing on my mind.  And now that it's done I can go back to my random musings on my losing battle to get organized.  There's always material ripe for the picking on that subject…

Oh--and as for Jordan.  He is doing well!  He returned to the mission field last month to serve in the Illinois, West Chicago mission.  He loves it and feels like it is exactly where he needs to be.  For those of you who would like to be included on his weekly email list please message me or you can follow him on FB.  We predict things will continue to go well and if for some reason they don't--we know that the Lord has a plan for that as well.

                                    Elder Morgan with his companion 

Good night!

UPDATE!!  I can't believe it's been almost two years since I wrote this post!  Jordan successfully completed his mission and flies home in just 6 days!  We are beyond thrilled at the HUGE changes he has made in his life and the young man he has become.  And we can't wait to hug that kid!  If you are interested in coming and hearing him report on his mission he will be speaking at the Hearthwood Bldg at 300 Hearthwood Blvd in Vancouver at 9:00 am on Dec. 13th.

Someone just give me a list!

I was talking with another mom today about how easy it is to get overwhelmed with the "shoulds" in our life--particularly as it relates to being mothers.  We should spend quality time with our kids.  We should teach them to be self reliant.  We should expect them to get good grades.  We should teach them to work hard.  We should teach them to live the gospel.  We should attend all their events.  We should provide for them but at the same time we don't want them to be spoiled brats. We should teach them to be respectful, hold a job, find a spouse and live a good life.  So many shoulds! It's exhausting! My friend and I were commiserating about how guilty we feel when we can't complete all the shoulds and agreed that what we really need is a list of the absolute shoulds.  Like on a scale of 1-10 how does picking up your socks rank compared to "hold a steady job."  Is eye rolling really  an 8 or 9 like it feels when it happens for the 10th time that day or is that maybe less important than "be a contributing member of society?"  How do we figure out what the bare minimum is we need to be doing when the bare minimum feels like a mountain let alone the thousand more "shoulds" that lurk out there?  And then we pile even more guilt on because we make the mistake of looking around and comparing ourselves to others.


I think this comparing is really the heart of the problem.  I've joked in the past about the dangers of pinterest but maybe it's not a joke.  We see these women with these perfectly organized houses and we think that that must carry over into every aspect of their life.  Or we read these cute little blogs and think that these women with their kids in matching outfits and hair bows must not struggle with self esteem issues or a pile of clothes on their tub.  One lady at church once told me that she was envious of my "perfect mormon life" and I actually laughed out loud.  And then told her she was sadly mistaken if she thought my life is perfect.  Don't get me wrong--I have a great life with so many things to be thankful for, but it is in no way perfect.  And it's not meant to be.

Heres the thing:  I don't have a sparkling clean house, a well manicured or landscaped yard, a perfect track record for family scripture study and prayers or a fool proof system for getting my kids to practice the piano.  I don't cook dinner every (alright most) nights, we eat too much junk food, watch too much TV and stay up too late.  When they tell me at church that now I should be figuring out a way for my kids to be involved in family history work it about pushes me over the edge because the thought of adding one more thing to the list of things I should be doing is just too much.  So I decided today that I'm coming up with my own list of "shoulds"--Heather, here you go:

1.  I should be kinder to myself as a mother.  I may not be perfect but I try my best.  There is no such thing as "super mom" and the title of "mostly mediocre mom" is nothing to be ashamed of.
2.  I should cut my kids some slack--it's ok if they roll their eyes once in a while or are grumpy about seminary, or forget to take the trash out.
3.  I should tell my kids I love them and show it with how I talk to them.

And most importantly:

4.  I should make sure that I read my scriptures every day and pray because without God's help everything is so much harder and frankly at times impossible.  I can honestly say that without divine guidance I think I would have literally lost my mind this last year.  And to be quite frank, if I'm in tune with what the Lord wants me to do, then I'll be okay.  And my family will okay.  Not perfect--but okay.

Spinning out of control

Ever since my oldest was born I've had a gym membership.  This is because I subscribe to the philosophy that if I'm paying for it I'll most likely use it and more or less this has worked out over the years.  There was a brief period of time when I bought a treadmill thinking it would be so much easier to work out at home but instead it just became a really ugly clothes rack in the corner of our bedroom--like the precursor to my tub pile.  So a gym membership works better for me.  For years I have belonged to the local 24 Hour Fitness club and because we joined when they first opened we've had this screaming deal of only $99 a year for our membership fees.  However, it's not really a "family" gym so about 6 years ago we joined the local community center for the track, pool, etc.  That has been my preferred work out place because I'm not gonna lie--I feel pretty tough with the mostly elderly clientele that works out in the mornings.  It's pretty chill there and I can pop in, do my work out and get out of there with minimal fuss.  Plus it doesn't matter what you look or dress like.  I mean some of these older folks are working out in jeans.  Jeans!  I don't even know how that is possible.

Anyway, that had been good for a while but as the kids have gotten older I'm really the only one using the membership and it seemed silly to pay $70 a month when I have that sweet deal going on over at 24 Hour so this last month I made the switch and went back to my old stomping grounds.  For the most part it's fine--there's a lot more variety there and way more machines but I have to tell you, I don't feel so tough anymore because I'm not 100% sure but I think I might be the "elderly" of that club.  Like I feel old over there.  I mean twenty something girls show up wearing full makeup and hair extensions--at 9 am in the morning!  That is just WRONG!  Meanwhile I literally look like I just rolled out of bed with my hair pulled back in a pony, headband in and the only makeup gracing my face is the mascara smudged under my eyes from the day before.  Seriously, who goes to they gym looking like they have a hot date???

So, there's that.  Also, at the community center the TVs were all set to things like Animal Planet and Wheel of Fortune reruns but at this gym it's MTV.  And the MTV that is on now is nothing like the MTV I remember.  Like call me crazy but didn't it used to show actual music videos?  Because I don't think it does anymore--now it's just scantily dressed women screaming like banshees and rappers with reality shows that are so ridiculous.  I'm missing those Perry Mason episodes with the geriatric crowd...

The other night I was there and I was so not in the mood to listen to the two girls on the treadmills next to me talk about the problems associated with all night bouts of partying and drinking (all discussed while walking about 2 miles an hour and checking their hair in the mirrors) so I decided to be daring and try my first ever spin class.  I have to say, I kind of enjoyed it--it was a dang good workout and it really made me reflect on life.  See in spin class you ride a stationary bike as an instructor leads the class through different levels.  When you are warming up you keep your bike tension at a lower level like 3-4 and then you begin to go thru different "hills" and "valleys", either ramping up the tension or dialing it back depending on the scenario.  The great thing about it is that nobody knows what your tension is at except you--what may be a 3 for one person could be a 9 for another.  It's up to you to push yourself and then know your limits.

I think life is like that--we are all spinning thru this life and sometimes we get to coast by on a 3 where we aren't breathing hard and are just enjoying the little ride.  And then all at once someone yells "10" and before you know it you're pedaling with all your might, your legs screaming in pain, your head bent down, sweat pouring off you and you can barely breathe.  Do you ever feel like that?  I really have the last little while--in fact I did not fully appreciate my easy "3" time of life until the "10" came along and somedays I feel like it's all I can do to just stay on the bike!  But here's the thing about spin class.  Those hills are dang hard--but they are pretty short and then you get to coast along for a while until the next one comes.  And when the next one comes you can usually push yourself harder because your muscles are warmed up and you're feeling stronger--stronger than you would be had you coasted along at a leisurely pace the whole time and when the hour is up you feel amazing--like you've accomplished something great and maybe made yourself just a teeny bit better in the process.

So that's what I'm working on now--learning to love the hills and appreciate them for what they are:  ways to make us stronger, better people.  Looking back over the last year I've realized that life is not predictable.  We can plan and prepare but we can  be coasting along thinking we have it all under control and someone will come by and ramp up that tension to a 10 and suddenly you're not sure you're going to make it over that hill.  But guess what.  We do.  We will.  And when we do we realize we are so much more capable than we thought we were and not only that, we appreciate the valleys even more now.  At least I do.  Most days:-)

Snowmageddon

"Snowmageddon" is here people.  At least that's what the news is calling it.  Or "Snowpocolypse."  I can't decide which I find most mockable.  Whenever the promise of bad weather hits the northwest the news channels take drama to new heights around here--I remember the "Arctic Blast" a few years ago and a few years before that it was the "Deep Freeze."  It doesn't take much snow for panic to set in here  and I started thinking that there's a chance I might be the news channel of parenting.

Now, if you don't now me that well I will explain that I think that a good percentage of the time I'm pretty chill.  I mean things bug me--but mostly in an annoying yet sometimes hilarious sort of way.  I'm not easily offended, I rarely get really mad and if I do it lasts for like 10 minutes because I hate being mad.  Dave and I rarely disagree because neither one of us likes being disagreeable and if there is any contention our code word is "nice."  As in after a tense few moments one of us will look at the other and say, "nice???"  To which the appropriate response is, "I love…."  (So if you happen to hear this exchange you know that we just experienced our version of a fight.  Now you know all my secrets…)  In addition I prefer to think of myself as a pretty positive person who is not prone to a whole lot of drama.  Except where my children are concerned--more importantly my children's future.

I think this is why the teenage years are throwing me for a bit of a loop.  The child who is getting a couple of bad grades mid semester is going to be a college drop out selling fudgesicles out of an ice cream truck for a living (like the actor who plays Ron in ""Harry Potter"), the one who lives like a slob is going to drive his future wife insane with his pile of clothes and books, and whenever one has a streak of grumpiness I worry that they are going to turn into one of those cranky neighbors that complains to the nice mom with six kids about leaves blowing into her yard.

That's why I'm lucky to have Dave.  He reminds me that the poor student will turn it around (he is) and probably grow up to support us in our old age, the messy one will figure it out when he has a roommate or wife (I hope so for the wife's sake) and the grumpiness is just a phase that most teens go through and does not mean they will turn into curmudgeony old men who shake a fist at the neighbor kids when they ride their bikes in the cul de sac.  (We have some crazy neighbors if you can't tell.)

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't prefer it if we didn't have to hound about grades or cleanliness or put up with the whininess or grunting (again, so much grunting) but I'm also trying to keep a level head about such things because they are short term.  Not to mention the fact that my parenting trials are pretty minor compared to many.  So I'm going to try to quit blowing them up in my mind to the status of "Teenageddon" and instead recognize that it's just a dusting of pre teen/teen angst much like this snow "storm" so far.

Update: I wrote this post when the snow storm was just getting started and I sort of mocked it.  But we did get a good helping of snow and more is on the way today.  I have to say, I'm loving "Snowmageddon" because it's so fun seeing the kids having so much fun together.  Even with the challenges we face as a family we are very blessed that our kids get along very well and genuinely like being together.  And that, is a win in my book.

"State of the Morgans Address"

In honor of President Obama's State of the Union address (which I admit I didn't watch any of and instead sat through two mildly entertaining episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress") I thought it fitting that I should bring you up to date on the State of the Morgans.  In anticipation of this momentous occasion I looked back through my posts to reflect on where we came from.  As you may know, we were drowning under piles of socks and withering away from the lack of home cooked meals.  I was feeling overwhelmed, disorganized and in need of some sort of intervention and so I boldly embarked on this blogging adventure several months ago.

First up I took a look around and realized that I was a big part of the problem.  How could I expect my kids to have clean rooms when the side of the tub was my personal laundry basket and my nightstand was piled a foot high?  If I don't make my bed then why in the world should I expect my kids to?  I'd like to report that the tub problem is solved but it's not completely.  I AM more aware of it and try really hard to put my things away and my nightstand is better and I'd say I make my bed more than half the time now.  (Except--really, why do we need to make the bed when we are just going to sleep in it that night.  Or even better, climb in it later that day for a delicious nap?)  So baby steps there I suppose.

Next we moved onto setting up the new jar allowance system where the kids start out the month with $30 and every day their jobs aren't done or I find their messes around the house they lose a $1.  This has been going remarkably well lately.  Not necessarily because they are cleaning up their things but because I got two kid funded lunches at Baja Fresh this week!  I'm not making that up!  One of the kids asked me how many dollars they had lost so far and I said, "a lot."  But you know what?  He didn't whine or complain but instead seemed to accept it.  And then he cleaned his room.  They also have been doing their weekly jobs but I haven't used the hooks for a while.  Instead what seems to work best is for me to give each kid a Saturday job and post it on the inside of the front door.  So far so good.  I think what works best about this system--the jar one in particular--is that it is easy for me to monitor and  I'm motivated to do it--especially on those days when the taco cravings get bad.

Part 2 of getting organized was making and keeping a large wall calendar with all of our activities posted.  I'd mentioned previously that normally I start that every September and by December the calendar is blank because I've lost the gumption to continue.  Yep--that about sums up my efforts this time and I realized something.  I hate making that calendar!  It hangs over my head like an evil task masker and makes me feel guilty when I look at it.  Besides, in this day and age, all my appointments go in my phone anyway so I threw out the wall calendar and I feel pretty good about it.  Only took me about 10 years to figure that out...

Up next was cooking.  Like meals.  It's a serious flaw in my homemaking skills.  I keep thinking that if I keep "pinning" yummy recipes and trying new things that I'll learn to enjoy it.  Not so much.  But I am trying to cook at least three real meals a week and I've given myself permission to not feel bad when the rest of the nights are leftovers or YOYO nights.  I will say this--I did find a pretty sweet new app that makes finding recipes, planning your meals and making a grocery list super easy and it's free!  Look up "Big Oven" if you are interested.  So yeah--I'm not going to be the next Betty Crocker.

Moles.  Ok--this wasn't really part of the plan but did involve a blog post last summer.  I'm sad to report that a new mole has moved in and is in the process of doing some serious redecorating.  Stinkin' moles...

So as you can see, on all those fronts I haven't made tremendous progress.  I mean, some things are doing better but truth be told, my house doesn't look like it came out of a magazine, my laundry room still looks like a small bomb went off more times than not and instead of goldfish boxes laying around it's now empty packages of Chips Ahoy thanks to a good sale and even better coupon.  But I will say this--the second reason for me starting this blog was to document how I can help my children be more resilient and self reliant.  Most of you know that this last year has been a hard one for our family and honestly, there were days when I felt like I had absolutely no idea what I was doing anymore as a mother.  But with a lot of prayer, and pondering, and reading and learning I can honestly say that we have seen significant changes here.  I've learned to not let my kid's emotions rule my own emotions but instead I concentrate on being their "constant."  I've stepped back and allowed my children the chance to fail--and then watched as they pick themselves up.  We've given them more responsibility and they have risen to the challenge.  They've grown and stretched and made a few mistakes but they've had a whole lot more successes.  We are trusting them more and trusting our Savior more than ever.  And with all that comes what I've been seeking along.  Not a clean house, or family dinner every night, but peace.  The peace that comes from knowing that we're really just doing the best we can--not doing things perfectly, but just our best.

Jen's Advice, Part 2. AKA: Downton Abbey returns.

I am telling you, my friend Jen is a genius!  Do you hear that Jen?  YOU ARE A GENIUS!  In my last post I shared some sage advice Jen gave me regarding how to not beat myself up as a mother.  What I didn't tell you, (but turned out to be amazing) is the advice she gave me on cleaning my house.  We all know that a big part of the reason I started blogging was so that I could get my house in order and teach my kids to be self sufficient too.  And there has been some progress on that front:  kids doing their own laundry, Saturday chores implemented and a new allowance system that so far is working out well.  This is all great but it still didn't change the fact that I ALWAYS feel behind.  At the end of every day there is still a number of things left on my to-do list and I was constantly feeling like I was never going to get caught up.

Here's a secret:  I'm never going to get caught up.  Like really--never.  There will always be laundry to do and shelves to dust and bathrooms to clean and dishes to wash and socks to pick up (so many socks…) and a million other things.  There just will be.  But this week, thanks to Jen I think I finally embraced that concept.

Your dying to know what her solution is aren't you?  Here it is:  she cleans her house once a week.  That's it.  One day a week she does her general cleaning and then the other days she just does kitchen duty.  I know what some of you are thinking:  "duh!"  Now there are a lot of you much smarter than me  who have been doing this for years so there is a tiny part of you that thinks I'm sort of an idiot.  Here's another secret:  I kind of am.  I mean, I've spent so much time researching cleaning strategies and organizing methods (stupid pinterest…) all in the hopes of having this perfect tidy little house.  You know--the kind where you aren't panicked when the doorbell rings unexpectedly or your teenage son brings home a car full of kids.  And so that's why every day I feel guilty when I sit down to read people.com (must keep up on the latest Hollywood gossip) instead of doing more housework.

So for the last two weeks I decided to try Jen's approach and it was so LIBERATING!  Honestly, I have felt so much better.  The beginning of each week I (and the kids as part of their Saturday chore) did all the general stuff:  bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, and general cleaning and straightening.  The rest of the week I just did the kitchen and some very minimal straightening which mostly involved me hounding the boys to pick up their socks and trash. (Obviously I still have not solved the great sock dilemma).  Do you know what I did every day instead of feeling guilty about everything not done on my list?  I exercised more, I cooked actual meals, I did crafts with my daughter, read a book without guilt, redid the hall bathroom and actually sat down and watched the first two episodes of Downton Abbey.  (Side note:  am I the only one that thinks Mrs. Padmore is hilarious?  And Cora is just whiny and annoying?  And please tell me Branson is not going to fall for that annoying Edna?  I mean seriously!  She is SO annoying! )

I have to tell you--this whole approach did wonders for my mood and it's all because of Jen.  So cheers to you Jen!  May you be blessed with an endless supply of Diet Coke and chocolate truffles and anything else your heart desires.  In the meantime I'm off to spend some quality time with Lady Mary and Carson the butler.  Now a butler…that's an idea...

"Thanks for the advice, Jen."

I need an instruction manual.  On teenagers.  Like what are they thinking, or more importantly, what does that grunt mean?

If I am being completely honest, which I hope by now you all know that I'm trying to be, I have been a little out of my element lately in the parenting department.  Being a mom of little kids came very naturally to me--it just "made sense" so to speak.  Getting your kid to sleep thru the night?  Got it.  Potty training--easy.  Bedtime--perfected the 6:30 pm turn in.  Time outs, Love and Logic, lullabies, Family Home Evenings,  joy school, piano lessons, "sassy spray" for talking back, binky rehab, Blues Clues trivia, endless answers to the question; "Why????"  Done.  I mean, it wasn't easy--but it made sense to me.

Teenagers?  Somedays I feel like I'm in a foreign land.  Or maybe outer space.  It's not that I don't enjoy lots of things about having older kids.  I love going to all of their activities and seeing their talents develop.  I love having good gospel and political discussions with them.  They are witty and smart and fabulous and a million other great things.  But sometimes I don't know what in the heck I'm doing as their parent.  Like completely clueless.  Honestly, I've spent way too much time analyzing this as of late.  How do I change my parenting style to reflect these almost adults?  When do I jump in to help and when do I let them navigate their challenges on their own?  Have I taught them too much?  Am I too overprotective, judgmental, or annoying?  Did I not teach them enough and am I slacking in teaching them to be kind, responsible, contributing members of society?  And what's with the grunting? So much grunting...

So Sunday morning as I was pondering why I can't seem to figure it out, I had this truly great idea to message a friend of mine who also has 5 boys and a girl all about the same ages of mine.  We don't know each other extremely well but I was blessed to work with her a few years back on a church committee and I really respected her.  I don't think she would mind me saying that her kids have been a handful (and probably still are sometimes).  I love her FB posts about holes in the wall, the principal's office, the dishes under their beds and so much more and she always seems to be able to laugh about it. She gave me some great advice but here is the best part of all:

"I think the most effective thing I do is keep in mind whatever they're doing or have done that is driving me bonkers will END.  I also have learned not to take personally anything my kids do or say.  It's hormones and they're crazy people.  Really."

Isn't that AWESOME!  Like I knew that.  But I didn't really believe that.  And I've thought and thought about it and it really clicked with me.  Sometimes they are going to be sad and moody and I don't need to "fix" it.  I don't need to add my sadness to their sadness but instead I need to be their constant.  When one of them tells someone off and I want to strangle them, I know that they will figure it out and probably won't be doing that when they are 40.  At least not as much.  When the answer to the question, "how was your day today" is a grunt for the 6th day in a row, I can probably guarantee that at some point in the future they're going to have an actual word for an answer.  Like "fine" or maybe even  "really good!"

I think as moms we are too hard on ourselves.  Some of that comes from worrying about how our children's behavior reflects on us.  (I'd like to say that I'm not vain like that but I promised to be honest and sometimes I do worry about that.)  But mostly, we just want our kids to grow up to be happy, smart, resilient adults.

So, Jen--I owe you.  I've breathed easier this week, tried to let things roll off my back, and when they grunt, I try to remember "this too shall pass."  

"Where is this so-called perfect life?"

I never wanted this blog to be "one more thing" that I had on my to-do list and so I haven't posted in a while because with the holidays life was just crazy busy.  Yet, it was still hanging over my head and so I thought, "if it's hanging over my head, why don't you just sit down and write something for heaven's sake."  It's not like I have a shortage of ideas--in fact I had decided to write a whole post about those dang Christmas letters you receive every year.  You know, the ones that talk about how Johnny gets straight A's and is student body president, Megan plays six instruments and volunteers at the nursing home 5 days a week, Peter just received his Eagle Scout award at the ripe old age of 13 and a half and Mom and Dad led the family to victory in their year long goal to read the scriptures and say family prayers EVERY night!!!  Woohoo for the Johnsons--we are amazing!

I admit it, I think I'm guilty of sending out letters like that before and they are totally fine.  They are fine.  But how come we don't send out letters that say, "Billy broke curfew 6 times in the last month, Abby is pulling straight C's and we're crossing our fingers we don't have to shell out the big bucks for summer school, Caleb plays Minecraft on the computer for 8 hours at a stretch, the gutters need to be cleaned, we can't find matching socks to save our life and quesadillas are a gourmet meal around the place?"  Because, I think that's a little closer to reality people.  Seriously!

Ok--so maybe that's a little extreme (or is it…) but over the last several months I have really thought a lot about how we (meaning me, but I don't think I'm totally alone here) spend so much time worrying about all the things we aren't doing instead of concentrating on what we ARE doing.  It's easy to assume that the Smiths always have a clean house and dinner together as a family every night.  And maybe they do.  But maybe their kids are sassy behind closed doors and maybe Sis. Smith snores really loud.  Or something like that.  It's easy to think that the Stewarts kids are perfect because they are NEVER late to church but maybe that's because Sis. Stewart dresses them in their suits the night before and they sleep in their clothes.  (Honest truth--I know somebody that did that!  Genius I say!)

I mean, it's a fine line--you don't want to air ALL of your dirty laundry--but how about some of it?  I have found that almost without question, when I admit to someone that I have only cooked twice in the last two weeks other moms nod their head in understanding.  Or when I mention that I have 4 baskets of laundry to fold and 5 kids are down to using one towel between them, my friend looks visibly relieved that she's not the only one.

So I'm starting it people--I'm admitting that the Morgan's are not perfect--not even close.  (Shocking I know!)  We go thru probably 6 packages of Oreos and Chips Ahoy every week and if my kids eat more than one vegetable or fruit in that time span we are doing well.  I'm really bad about making my kids do chores.  I don't enforce bedtimes.  My kids all have phones or iPods (they are monitored and the app stores and browsers are locked but I know that's no guarantee.)  The van has not been cleaned out or washed in months, there's a layer of dust on my family room shelves and the sink has not been empty of dirty dishes for a few days now.  (Because once I empty them there are always MORE.  Why????)

This doesn't mean that we shouldn't be striving to be better--this life is all about progression.  But it's not about perfection and the sooner we understand that, the better we will feel.  So my goal this year is to spend less time thinking about what I'm NOT doing and more time thinking about what I AM doing.  I love my kids.  We laugh together and genuinely like being around each other.  They are kind to one another and to me 99% of the time.  We try to do what's right and we succeed more often than not--but far from 100% of the time and that's ok.  We're just going to try to be better.  That's all.  Just a little better:-)