Is This Is a Mid-Life Crisis?

I'm not sure, but I might be approaching a mid-life crisis.  In the last week I’ve experienced hot flashes, the inability to wear high heels and to top it all off I broke out into some weird hive-like rash which has caused the left half of my body to itch like crazy.  I think it might  be psychosomatic.  Because I just realized that in five years all my children will have left my home.  FIVE YEARS PEOPLE!!  

Five years ago we were just settling in for a cozy fall with all six of our off spring nestled safely in the Morgan Hacienda.  Our oldest was preparing to leave for a mission, two were in high school, two in middle school and we still had an elementary school student.  Recess and hot lunch were daily parts of our vocabulary. We guzzled 13 gallons of milk a week and consumed four boxes of cereal in the same amount of time.  Every night all eight of us knelt down for prayers.  (Ok, who am I kidding, it was more like every other night but still!)  Sunday mornings after some nagging, exasperated sighs, and last minute ironing I could look down our church pew and see six Morgan children attempting (and failing) to stay awake through the service.

Five years was not that long ago.

I can’t help but think that these next five years are going to fly by.  Currently more than half of our children (because I include our daughters in law as children) live outside the home.  Four are in Utah, one serving the Lord in Maine.  The house is quieter—everyone is plugged in listening to Hamilton and I find myself watching a lot more Dateline and pondering next steps.  And itching—what is UP with this itching???

But then I think, this is what life’s about, right?  This is what we have these children for—to raise them up to one day fly the coop.  And give us grandchildren.  Lots and lots of grandchildren.  And so, now I’m spending a lot of my quiet days thinking about what I want my life to look like five years from now.  I don’t have any answers but I do see lots of possibilities.  Traveling with Dave, volunteering, writing, speaking, and snuggling grandkids.  (Did I mention about the grandchildren?)

Some days I miss reading bedtime stories and listening to the sound of Nick Jr.  I miss when parenting made sense to me instead of the constant balancing act of trying to parent teens and young adults.  I miss a full dinner table, nursery rhymes and when the time out chair was all the leverage I needed.  But I also really love now.  I love new daughters in law, and the freedom to go out to lunch every day, and grown up conversations with all of my children and watching the fine people they are becoming.  And let’s not forget the grandchildren possibility.

But the itching?  I’m so over that.

Why "NO" is Not a Dirty Word

When our oldest was two years old we bought a new coffee table for our little student apartment.  For whatever reason, Jordan looked at that and thought "jungle gym" and immediately climbed on top of it and stood proudly in the center.  I looked at him, told him "no, we don't stand on tables" and pulled him off.  And then he climbed up there again.  And I pulled him off again.  This pattern continued ALL DAY.  (Two year olds tend to have a mind of their own.)  After about the 20th time, I was tired of it and started thinking, "what's the big deal?  Maybe I should just let him climb on there because this is exhausting and is it really worth the fight?"  And then clear as day this thought came to me:

"It's a coffee table when he's two, it's dating and drugs and grades when he's 15."

Our kids need limits.  They need to be told "no" and they need us to follow through.  It's a fine line.  My sister in law told us about a family she knows who felt that they spent too much time saying no so they decided to hold "A Day of Yes" which is exactly how it sounds.  All good in theory until after a day of various outings, screen time, treats and gifts it dissolved into a crying frenzy at the local ice cream shop and the family packed up and left before the treats even arrived.  Too much yes, it seems, makes for a big no at the end of the day.

So, how do we know when to say no?  That right there is the magic question.  It's really easy to swing too far in either direction.  Either you become the all powerful dictator (which your kids will eventually resent and probably rebel against) or you become captain of the Permissive Parenting movement and your kids become the holy terror of the neighborhood.  (And admit it--right now you can think of at least one kid you know who fits that description...)  The goal then is to land somewhere in the middle at the corner of Responsible and Appropriate.

I tend to ask myself a couple of questions when faced with the decision of when to say no:

1.  Does saying no benefit BOTH my child and myself?

2.  Will me saying "no" set my child up for making better decisions down the road?

If the answer is yes to both of those, then a no is in order.  See, our kids DO want limits.  They may not know that now, but they want to know where the line is.  That gives them security and stability.  And more security and stability means that they will be more comfortable making their own decisions when appropriate, which leads to resilience, which is basically my personal soap box for what I think our children are lacking.  (But that's another blog post...)

So tell me, how do YOU decide when a "no" is in order?  I'd love to hear stories from your own life of what worked and especially what didn't.  Because, let's face it, if we are smart we will probably learn more from our mistakes than anything else.  And lest you think that I've done it perfectly (your'e laughing at that suggestion, I know) believe me, I haven't.  Just ask my children...

NUDITY JUST HIJACKED PRIME TIME

I don't watch a lot of prime time TV.  Frankly, I don't watch a lot of TV at all because apparently I have developed some sort of middle age ADD and have the attention span of a gnat, but every once in a while I have a hankering for a new series to watch. A show that I actually look forward to watching every week like X Files back in the 90's or the whole L.O.S.T hoopla.  And since it's that time of the new year when series are making their debut, my FB feed seems to be be full of trailers for the upcoming Prime Time.  Hooray, I thought as I naively clicked on a what looked like a promising series, "This Is Us."

Well hold on to your hats people because apparently it is completely acceptable now to show NUDITY on regular television!! WHAT.THE.HECK????

Here I think I'm going to watch a Prime Time trailer about some sappy series that looks like it contains a whole lot of romance (my favorite) and some sappy crying (comes with the romance), because with a name like "This Is Us," how can it not have all that?

Oh it has all that alright along with an opening shot of some dude's bare backside!  On Prime Time!!  Does this bug anyone else?  This is regular old television that any of my kids can tune into (because I can't just block one show) and bam, naked guy.  I don't want to see a naked guy (except the one I'm married to, and then bring it), I don't want my kids to see any old naked guy (or girl--who knows what else is in this Prime Time show?)  And why?  Why???

Is it that necessary to the plot to show naked dude's rear end?  Like if I don't see his bare tush, am I going to miss some important part of the storyline?  If my eyeballs don't get up close and personal with his hiney, is there going to be some gaping plot hole?

Seriously.  I'm starting a campaign:  "Bring Back a Nudity Free Prime Time."  Because jeesh.  Who's in?

PS:  I'm not really starting a campaign because that would take time, effort and a longer attention span.  So this blog rant will have to suffice.

My Children Come Second in My Life--(and they know it)

Recently a friend gave a great talk in church and she made this comment:  "As children we came second in my family.  And that's the way it should be."  I loved this statement because I think too many couples get it backwards.  It's so easy to let your children come between you and your spouse and that's dangerous territory.

I've written previously about the importance about dating your spouse so I won't rehash that point (although I'm pretty adamant about it.)  Instead here are three different reasons your spouse needs to come before your children:

TO SHOW SOLIDARITY

Nothing undermines your influence as a parent more than having a spouse who doesn't have your back. You know what I'm talking about, right?  One parent makes a decision and then the other one reverses it or even worse, disagrees with the decision in front of the kids.  Yikes.  One of my children recently said that they have never seen Dave or I fight.  Although it's true that we have never yelled at or insulted one another, we don't always see eye to eye.  But we work that out between us so that when we are faced with making family decisions, disciplining the kids or setting boundaries, we are in agreement.  Two people, one united purpose.  The exception--when the kids want to go out for ice cream they go to Dad. (And usually send their sister to do the asking.)

TO PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Dave and I talk often about the need for emotional intimacy in your marriage.  Being able to connect emotionally is probably the biggest marker of a lasting and satisfying marriage.  Unfortunately, sometimes our relationships with our kids creep in and can affect our relationship with our spouse.  It's wonderful to foster an emotionally intimate relationship with your children, but if you find that you are turning to your children more than your spouse to get your emotional needs met then it's time to re-evaluate.

BECAUSE KIDS GROW UP AND LEAVE

Yep, for the majority of us, our children will grow up and leave the nest--and that's exactly what you want.  And then it's you and your spouse.  Together.  Forever.  You don't want to send your final child off to school and turn to look at your spouse and wonder who they are.  Nope.  You want to be able to say, "Finally we have all the time in the world for just the two of us!"  (And then if you're anything like us you'll head straightway for Disneyland.)

The beauty of this is that it's never too late to start making the changes you need to put your spouse first.  Schedule a date.  Send a flirty text.  Make time for each other.  And pretty soon your kids will be in 2nd place.  Right where they belong.

Crying In My Diet Coke

This morning (at the crack of dawn after two hours of sleep) we put our third son, McKay on the plane for his two year mission for our church.  It's one of the most bittersweet experiences of being a parent I think.  You're so grateful for the choices they are making, and yet so sad to see them leaving for two years.  He's headed to the New Hampshire, Manchester mission and we are so excited.  New Hampshire doesn't seem that far, and yet, for two years we will get just one email a week and just two phone calls a year.  In this day and age of constant technology, that's pretty meager.  Done are the days of receiving texts asking if I'll pick up milk, or if he can have money for gas.  I can't just pick up the phone and call him at college or even go down and visit for the weekend.

Yep, it's the worst.  But it's also the best.

It's the best because he's doing good things--difficult things.  And he's doing them because he WANTS to do them now, not just because Mom and Dad expect it.

We have several friends and family who are sending children off to college and missions and I've thought about what advice I would give, now that we've been through both three times.  For what it's worth, this is what I've come up with:

THEY ARE IN A GOOD PLACE

Console yourself with the idea that they are in a good place, moving forward with their lives and becoming the adults you want them to be.  And even though you may be crying in your Diet Coke like me, chances are you're extremely proud of the person they are becoming.

THEY WILL LIKE YOU MORE

It's true!  I mean they love you and all that now, but there is nothing like moving away from home to get them to appreciate all you've done for them for the last two decades.  Seriously--all that laundry you did for them, meals you cooked, and family bonding experiences you made them endure are remembered much more fondly.  This may actually be my favorite part of them leaving...

YOUR NEW NORMAL CAN BE A FANTASTIC NORMAL

While I absolutely miss my kids when they leave home, I also really like it.  That sounds callous but I prefer to be a glass is half full type of gal.  I'm annoying that way.  When one leaves home it changes the dynamics--but I've found it to be really enjoyable.  The kids still at home get a chance to shine a little more, you get to eat out a whole lot more cause it gets way cheaper, and we now fit in a regular size car versus the Morgan Mobile.  Plus when Kennedy, our baby, leaves for college Dave and I are planning to head to Hawaii and lounge on a beach for three weeks where we will go to any restaurant we want (never once stopping at Wendy's), watch whatever we want on the hotel TV and only have to  put sunscreen on each other.  I can't wait.

You know what?  I'm feeling better already.  But first, a nap--that Diet Coke is wearing off...

Why Perfectionism is Killing You

Based on the readership and response I've received from my last post:" B- Parenting: When OK is Good Enough" we are stressed out!  Many of us are stuck in the perfectionism track and it's slowly killing us.  Perfectionism is not simply the quest to do something really well.  Perfectionism involves setting unrelenting high expectations of ourselves and then experiencing feelings of inadequacy and even self loathing when we fail to meet those expectations.While at times that idea can serve us, too often it does not.

You Might Be a Perfectionist If...

In case you are not 100% sure that you suffer from perfectionism here are some examples:

*You have a hard time deciding what to wear every morning.
*You obsessively make lists
*You procrastinate assignments or responsibilities because you are afraid of doing them wrong.
*You are afraid to try new things.
*You cannot delegate or trust others with responsibilities because it won't get done "right."
*You feel a need for constant approval or feedback (earning awards and accolades is almost a necessity)
* You hoard items in case you "someday" need them.
*You post a million "selfies".  (Ok, I don't actually know if that's perfectionism but it's super annoying and at least attention seeking, right?  That can't be healthy.)

And in more serious situations perfectionism can look like:

*Anxiety/panic attacks
*Eating disorders
*Self harm
*Depression

So if we know that perfectionism is harming us, what do we do about it?  I think it starts by giving ourselves permission to be imperfect.  It means saying "it's ok that my house isn't clean all the time" or "I am ok with the idea that my children aren't always going to make the right decisions."  I have a wise husband who talks about "unacceptable verses undesirable outcomes."  I love this concept!  When we finally realize that there are very few outcomes in life that are "unacceptable" that frees us!  It means understanding that while I might not like or desire my child to do poorly in school, it isn't unacceptable.  I mean, really, I don't have a whole lot of control over whether or not my son fails math.  It will have it's own natural consequences so after I've done my due diligence I need to let it go.  (And believe me that has been a lesson LONG in the making for me.)  The world is not going to stop turning if my child fails a class!  Life will go on, and will probably even go on pretty happily.

I'm going to tell you something shocking:  you're not perfect.  You're not going to do everything perfectly and chances are if you DID do everything perfect, if you're a perfectionist you're going to think that it wasn't perfect anyway!  I mean, it's exhausting just typing that!  So why not quit that game before you even start?  Does that mean doing a lackluster job--no.  Does it mean that we're destined for a life of mediocrity?  Of course not.  What it does mean is that we give ourselves permission to try--and then fail.  It means that we recognize the growth that comes from trying, not being perfect at it.  A lack of perfection just means opportunity for change.  It means being kind to ourselves when things don't turn out exactly like we planned.

So in the great words of Idina Menzel, "Let it Go."  (And you're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head all day.)  Let go of the idea that you aren't enough.  Because you are.


*This is a great resource on understanding and treating perfectionism:  Perfectionism in Perspective

B-Parenting: When OK is Good Enough

Recently at a family gathering we coined a new phrase, "B- Parenting."  It's the concept that what we are doing as a parent might not be entirely perfect but it's good enough.  Above average in fact if you consider a C grade as average.  Here's some examples of B- Parenting:

*Brushing off a dropped pacifier and sticking it back in your baby's mouth.
*Plopping your toddler down in front of the Disney channel for three hours because you're at the end of your rope
*Letting your teen sleep till noon every day in the summer because at least they're home, right?
*Allowing your five year old to wear jeans underneath her princess costume which is covered with her winter coat and a tutu because, well, you just want to make it out of the house without a fight.
*The Wendy's drive thru for dinner.  Twice this week.
*Cold cereal the other five nights...
*The living room is clean just in case someone stops by, but the kitchen looks like a bomb went off and for heavens sake, don't go upstairs!
*Admitting to your child's teacher that there is no way you can commit to your child doing their kindergarten homework this year because it's kid number 5, you've got a newborn at home and how important is it to learn to color inside the lines anyway?
*Letting every kid be on a device for a 12 hour road trip because this is the longest stretch of silence you've experienced in the last year and you'll take what you can get.

All of those are examples from my own life.

We could spend a whole lot of time worrying about all the "shoulds" in our life:  I should be cooking nutritious meals every night, I should be reading to my children from great works of literature, I should be able to keep a clean house, I should be more patient, more fun, more like so and so down the street.  Right now I could list off about 15 things that I should be doing at this point in my life, but what if what I'm doing is enough?  What if it's ok that cooking is a challenge for me, my kids dig their socks out of a sock basket (or the dirty clothes on a really bad day) and some of my kids dislike reading?  Isn't it more important that we like being together, they are good examples to their friends and they see that Dave and I trust them to keep the house from falling apart while we go away for the weekend?

Here's the thing--as a parent you have to figure out what is REALLY important.  And that answer can be different for each of us--for each of our children even.  It's easy to look at someone else and thing "what in the heck are they doing?" Or even worse, to think "I should be a better parent like so and so." But it's not really our place to judge--parenting our own children is plenty of work.  Because here's a secret:  most of us, probably even all of us, are B-parents.  And the good news is, that's above average:)

5 Steps To A Healthy Marriage

Dave and I are approaching our 25th wedding anniversary!  25 years!!  It seems like such a short time ago we were living in Provo in our tiny run down basement apartment.  This last week we had the privilege of spending time with our entire family, including our son and daughter in law who were married just last month.  (And who were probably completely mortified that they had to share a hotel room with their parents, but handled it with grace.) As I watched them and reflected on the last 25 years of my own marriage I came up with five steps to a healthy marriage:

1.  SPEAK KINDLY

You would think this would go without saying but I can't tell you how many couples we have been around that seem to have missed this memo.  Yelling, arguing, belittling, and sarcasm have no place in a marriage.  I try to always remember this: " If I was being talked to the way I am talking to my spouse at this moment, how would I feel? "  If the answer is discouraged, angry, belittled or demeaned, then I know I need to change how I'm speaking.  I'm telling you--this one strategy can be a game changer.

2.  DATE WEEKLY

I did a previous blog post on this concept and you can read it here:  http://morganhouseofmystery.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-1-thing-that-will-make-you-better.html

The bottom line is that a weekly date means you value your relationship with your spouse and that they are a priority.  It doesn't have to be a big production--most of our dates involve dinner and shopping at Target--but it should happen every week.  And I can already hear the excuses:  "We don't have money, we don't have a sitter, our lives are too busy, I don't want to be away from the baby/children/dog"...I don't care.  You need to date every week.  The end.

3.  GET AWAY FOR A WEEKEND AT LEAST TWICE A YEAR

Yeah, yeah, yeah--you are coming up with more excuses at this moment.  Again, I don't care.  If your marriage is a priority you will figure out a way to make it happen.  Money is an issue?  Forego other luxuries and save for the next 6 months.  No sitters?  Surely you have some friends somewhere??  If not, you better start making some quick!  If the friends can't watch the kids, they probably know a good reliable older teenager or young adult that can handle your kids for a night or two.  I'll be honest, this was a step that we didn't figure out until about 10 years into our marriage but when we did, we never looked back.  All those benefits that come from a weekly date are compounded when you have a weekend get away.  It's a time to recharge, reconnect and build intimacy which brings me to step 4:

4.  PHYSICAL INTIMACY

I'm just going to say it--sex is pretty dang important in marriage.  I've heard of people that outside of creating children don't have sex.  I'm going to be blunt--I think that's wrong.  And also probably leads to some really frustrated individuals.  (Or a heck of a lot of children...) Being physically intimate shows you love your spouse and you want to be close to them.  It means you understand that you each have physical needs and you work together to figure out the best way to meet those needs.  Again--I can hear the excuses:  "I don't feel attractive, we are too busy, the kids are at home." If you don't feel attractive, figure out something that will make you feel sexy.  If you're too busy, schedule it.   If the kids are home, lock the bedroom door.  (We take a lot of "naps" in our house.) I'm perfectly comfortable telling you that we actually schedule our sex life (with room for spontaneity).  Navigating the waters of your physical relationship brings you closer together, which leads to the final step:

5.  EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

I could go on and on about this final step.  (Even more than I could go on about step #4).  Emotional intimacy means being able to share your thoughts, dreams, concerns, and basically everything with your spouse.  It means making yourself vulnerable and taking emotional risks.  It means practicing whole hearted listening and it means practicing that on a daily basis.  Have you seen couples that basically live in the same house but have no real relationship?  That's because they haven't developed emotional intimacy.  I can honestly say that Dave is my best friend and biggest confidant.  This didn't happen overnight, but over time because we have made it a priority.  If your child/mother/sister/friend is ranked as your #1 personal confident, you have work to do on being emotionally intimate with your spouse.  Start today--you'll thank me later.

I firmly believe that our relationship with our spouse is the single most important relationship we can have on this earth.  The question to ask yourself is "are the things I'm doing now in my marriage reflecting that?"  If not, it's not too late.  Start now!

*I would love for you to follow us on a regular basis.  Just enter your email in the upper right corner of the page and hit "submit".  Easy peasy!

Daring to Dream

Does fear ever hold you back from what you really want to do?

Dave and I are getting old.  Ok not old, but definitely old-er. (Like some things are sagging that weren't a few years ago old, but we're not so old that we've started eating dinner at 3:30 pm).  Five years from now our youngest will be out of the house and when I think about five years ago it seems like yesterday.  So these next few years are going to fly by and then what?  What do I really want to do with my life--with "our" life.  Like if money were no object and we could just chase our dreams, what would that be?  And when I think of it that way, it's easy--write and speak at events with Dave.

We've been lucky to have been asked to speak together a few times recently and we loved it.  We are no experts, well Dave is an expert, but I'm not. (Unless you count unearthing teenager's lies or finding really good deals on used furniture as being an "expert).  But I keep thinking we have something to contribute--that there is a higher purpose out there for the use of our talents.

So I think we're doing it.  Dave is in the process of publishing a book.  We have our blogs which before too long will probably be condensed into one blog that features both of us.  I think a podcast is in our near future.  (Ya hear that Richie??) Maybe nobody will listen, hopefully some will.  But if we don't start, we'll never know.

Here's to a scary, vulnerable, "Dave and Kristyn Adventure".  We hope you tune in, but even if you don't, at least we tried.

QUESTION:  What topics would you like to see covered on a "Morgan Life Advice" podcast or blog post?

My Salute to the "Average" not "Exceptional" Graduate

Well it's that time of the year when all the parents start posting all the GREAT things their graduating kids are doing.  End of the year concerts complete with solos, graduating at the top of the class, college scholarships, manning a flight to the moon.  (Ok maybe not that one.)  I'm guilty of it too.  Totally and completely guilty.  I'm not knocking all those great achievements ( I mean props to them for all their hard work) but lately I've been thinking about the "other" kids.

What about the the straight C student who has a learning disability but shows up on time for class every day?  What about the girl who sits in the back of the classroom and quietly does her work but the teacher (or the kids for that matter) don't hardly know her name?  What about the third chair trumpet player who is never going to be awarded "outstanding musician" their senior year but who practices all the same and shows up early to set up for their concert where they will never get a solo?  What about the boy who will always be in the chorus, but never the star of the school musical or the teen who isn't able to do any extra curriculars because they have to babysit their younger siblings?

What about all the kids that because of lack of money or parent involvement or both will never be the "star" because they can't afford private lessons or tutors or "select" sports teams?

What about them?

To them I say--you're the real stars.  Because you are learning that life isn't about how many awards you can rack up.  It's not about what others think of you or what people say about you.  It's not about the type of home you live in, the pile of graduation cords you'll wear, the stars next to your name on the program of whatever concert/play/recital you are currently in.

Sure, those things are nice.  Very nice in fact.  But I'll let you in on a little secret.  Those things go away eventually.  I can't remember the last time someone wanted to know if I was a cheerleader in high school.  Or asked me my GPA or my ACT scores.  My husband was the lead in his high school's production of "The Wiz" but I haven't seen him signing any autographs lately.  I'm pretty sure when I was neck deep in the "joys" of stay at home motherhood and changing my umpteenth diaper my two year old was not impressed that I was crowned Freshman Homecoming Princess.  Nope.  He just asked to watch Barney and threw up on me.

So to all you average, run of the mill, mediocre graduates I say, "Congrats."  You have weathered the high school storm and you are going to do just fine.  Just fine.

WHAT THIS SECTIONAL TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIFE

A few months ago I stumbled upon the deal of a lifetime.  Dave and I had pulled up to the local Goodwill to drop some things off and sitting at the curb was this big beautiful sectional.

It looked fantastic, was exactly what I had been hoping to get for the family room, but we were in a hurry and so we left it there.  However I got home and could not stop thinking about it so a few hours later I headed back there to see if it was for sale.  After talking to the store manager and getting her to let me see it (it was headed out to the warehouse) she told me she would let me have it for the whopping price of $49.99!  It was meant to be!  This thing was beautiful and EXACTLY what I was looking for!  At least I thought it was...

We loaded it up, brought it home and after hauling our old furniture out to the garage and this baby in we settled down to enjoy the new luxury.  And all was well until we got up off the couch--covered in dog hair.  Yikes.  "No big deal," I thought, "I'll just get a lint roller and run it over this couch and all will be well."  After all, you couldn't see the hair at all on the couch, how much could there be?  Well, as it turns out, a whole lot.  

But it got me thinking.  Aren't our lives like that?  On the outside we may look polished and clean and pretty much perfect.  We come into church in our Sunday best or post happy family pictures in front of the Disneyland castle, or our children making the honor roll.  And those are all true--those are all great things.  But what others don't see are the anxieties, concerns, frustrations and trials that life brings.  Because they are there, just under the surface and if we took a lint roller (so to speak) to any of our lives they would be apparent.  

Sometimes I think that if we all were a little more transparent about the hidden "dog hair" of our lives, we wouldn't feel so surprised when the trials come.  We wouldn't waste time comparing ourselves to our neighbors but instead we would recognize it for what it is--real life.  And maybe, we'd all feel a little better.

MOTHERHOOD 101: THREE STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE RESILIENT

MOTHERHOOD 101:  THREE STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE RESILIENT

How do we raise resilient children?  How do we teach them how to deal with anxiety and stress in an anxious and stressful world?  As I've pondered my own experiences I've come up with three strategies that I believe builds resilience.

1.  LET THEM FAIL:  I know, it goes agains every fiber of our mothering beings to allow our kids to blow it.  I think for a better part of my parenting years I've walked behind my children with an imaginary wheelbarrow trying to prevent the falls.  But it's in the failure that resilience is made.  I read once that we should actually give our kids tasks that we know they won't be able to accomplish the first time.  Madness, I thought!  But then I realized the value.  It's when our children learn to pick themselves up and that not succeeding at something is ok that they develop the ability to handle difficult things.

2.  ALLOW FOR MEDIOCRITY:  I think there is an epidemic of parents who think their children should be the best at everything.  Straight A's, class president, lead in the play, star soccer player, favorite of every teacher, friend to all.  Here's the thing--that's not going not happen.  And if it is happening, chances are that's not such a healthy thing.  When our children feel that they have to perform at the top level in everything they undertake, or need constant praise or awards we are setting them up for a really hard fall down the road.  Because I hate to break it to you but your children aren't the smartest, or the prettiest, or the most talented in all the land.  Neither are mine.  And that's ok.

3.  ACCEPT THEY WILL MAKE MISTAKES:  I used to believe that if I just taught my children correct principles and told them how to do everything then I could save them from a lot of grief and pain.  (Naive, I now realize.) Here's the thing--our kids need to make mistakes and more importantly, they need to know that we understand that.  We were not meant to be on this earth to do things perfectly.  In fact, I think it's the opposite.  We were put here to figure out how to pick ourselves up when we fall and make ourselves better.  If we are the type of parents that so closely monitors everything our child does so that they WON'T fail we are in fact, failing as a parent.  I make mistakes, you make mistakes, and our kids need to know that they will make mistakes, and that we are ok with that.

As a parent I want my children to succeed and be happy.  I used to think that meant having them do everything "right" but I've come to believe that's not the case.  The growth comes from accepting that we won't do everything perfectly but that we aren't meant to.  It's in the failures and mistakes that resilience is born.

Today I Will Find Joy

Today I will find joy.  Today I will count my blessings, smile more, appreciate all that is right in my world.  I don't know about you, but lately I've been finding myself worrying too much.  Like Olympic size worrying.  Are my children happy? Will they turn in their homework, will they make good choices, find good friends, learn to iron, for heaven's sake?

Will Dave hear soon about his book, will planning a wedding (!) stress me out, will I be a good booster president/wife/mother/servant of the Lord???  Will my new diet and exercise plan get results, will I learn to be more patient, will my carpets ever get cleaned?

Do I need to be nicer (yes), do I stay up too late (again, yes), do I need more healthy food and less Oreos (sadly, yes)?  How will Davis finish his Eagle Scout stuff, how will our new budget work, how can my children develop confidence,  how will I make "all my wildest dreams come true" (Napoleon Dynamite style)?  What ARE my wildest dreams even???

It's exhausting!  Like crazy making.  I've found it's too easy to let all the anxiety ridden "wills, dos, and hows" creep into my psyche and rob me of all the joy that is in my very, very blessed life.

So today I'll be thankful for my husband who has cleaned the kitchen every day for the last two weeks!  (Seriously, I don't know what to do with myself--it's awesome).  I'll be grateful that my six crazy kids genuinely like each other, in spite of their differences or maybe because of them.  I'll enjoy lunch out, a good book, the chance to serve others, a quiet house, a healthy (not perfect) body, and the sound of the rain on my roof.

Because I am blessed.  You are blessed and God is good.

Why "Diets" Don't Work

Diets don't work.  I'm a firm believer in that.  With the start of the new year there is always a big upswing in the number of FB and Instagram posts about our enthusiasm to make this year, THE year for losing weight.  Often, this involves some sort of extreme grape fruit eating, carb demonizing, burger hating, let's only eat food in it's natural state craziness.  Now I want to be clear--I absolutely believe in being healthy.  I believe that being a healthy weight is a fantastic goal.  I just don't believe we need to be crazy to get there.

I've spent a lot of time reading books. listening to pod casts, doing research and analyzing my own journey for wellness.  Heck, I worked for Weight Watchers for a few years (which I will say, that if you are looking for support, its' a great place to go.)  Here's what I've learned about weight loss:

1.  You need a LIFESTYLE not a DIET.  If you have weight you want to lose and keep off, you've got to find something that you can maintain as a way of life.  An extreme, quick fix rarely will work. If there's one thing I know, AVOID EXTREMES. That's because the majority of people can't maintain an extreme lifestyle long term.  Think about it, can you really never eat processed food for the rest of your life?  I mean, Oreos are delicious.

2.  Eat like the weight you want to be.  I actually had a huge "aha" moment with this recently.  Like a lot of us, the holidays had done a number on me (or I had done a number on the holidays--it's all perspective I guess.)  In order to get back on track and get a few pounds off I knew I had to trim the amount of calories I was consuming every day.  However, after a few days of tracking I realized that eating 1200 calories a day (sort of the "norm" to lose weight) just wasn't doable for me long term.  BUT, eating the amount of calories for the weight I want to be IS.  But to be OK with that you have to realize this:

3.  Slow and steady is better than fast and furious.    For most of us that doesn't mean 1200 calories a day and hours in the gym.  Yes, that means the weight will come off more slowly, BUT that means that from day one, you are practicing the strategy that will allow you to be successful for the rest of your life.  Think about that for a minute.

4.  Lists of foods you MUST have or CAN'T have are ridiculous.  (Unless you have a true, honest allergy. Or unless it says to never eat hot dogs. Hot dogs are disgusting). We've all seen lists like "The Top 5 Foods for Fat Loss" or "The Top 5 Foods You Should Never Eat".  Remember what I said?  "AVOID EXTREMES".   Will some foods fill you up more? Yes.  Do some foods have better nutritional quality?  Absolutely.  Will consuming a  Big Mac and fries once in a while kill you?  No.  And it will make me like you a whole lot more.

Because the bottom line is this:

5.  To lose weight you must consume less calories than you expend.  That's it.  You do that, you'll lose weight.  If you want to make the whole "consuming less calorie" thing doable, you'll figure out what foods help you stretch your calorie budget.  Whole foods, particularly those with protein, will fill you up more and make you less hungry.  Occasional treats will make you happy.  Regular exercise of some sort will make you feel better and give you more energy.

And with that sentiment, I'm off to eat a protein rich breakfast and spend a little time at the gym with my sweetheart.  Because I'm making Swig sugar cookies today and you better believe I'm eating one. Or two or three...

A Letter To My Adult Children

Dear Adult Children of Mine,

As your Dad and I dropped you off at the airport the other morning to return to college, I had a slight moment of panic.  What if I haven't taught you everything you need to know?  What if I have failed as a mother because you can only make quesadillas and you still don't separate your whites from your darks?  What if all my words of wisdom are crowded out in your minds due to quotes from "The Simpsons" or internet memes?  I fear I may have missed my chance so with that in mind, here's what I would like you to know as you venture into the world:

Speak Kind Words. 

 To each other, to those around you, and most importantly to yourself.  Words are powerful and can be used to lift and serve or cut and demean.  Always ask yourself:  "Would I like to be talked to the way I am talking now" and you can't go wrong.

Serve Others

Much more joy comes from thinking outside of ourself.  There is always someone you can sit next do, say hello to or help.  Always.  We are literally "God's hands" on this earth, so get to work.

Eat Fruits and Vegetables

I'm begging you. One can only eat so many quesadillas or bowls of ramen and think coherently.  An apple, a carrot.  Something.

Don't Let Fear Sabotage You

Too many people let fear (of failure, discomfort, the unknown, spiders...) keep them from being the person they want to be and God wants them to be.  I've seen too often when people miss out on amazing opportunities and growth because they are afraid.  Embrace your fear and then do what you are afraid of.  Along with that:

Try New Things

We are not meant to be "comfortable".  Growth comes from stepping outside our comfort zones and stretching.  Meet new people, join a club or team, try a new class, ask a girl on a date.  I know it's scary--particularly the girl thing.  Do it anyway.

If You Don't Like Something Change It

You are smart, talented, witty, good looking, spiritual people (thanks to your good genes).  If you don't like the direction you are headed, do something about it.  If you don't like something about yourself or your situation, change it. We are meant to improve--not be stagnant.  There is great power in changing habits, thoughts or actions that we don't like.

I'm Proud Of You

I know I'm not supposed to be proud, but I am.  Who would have thought that little boys who played "Fun Town" and memorized Sponge Bob quotes would grow up to be so amazing?  I did.  I may have worried along the way and nagged, cajoled and cried, but deep down, I knew.  

I love you,

Mom

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